New Me, New B(itch)

I’m excited for my new endeavors!

Conversations are pretty good with the guy I met last Monday.  I’m not taking it seriously at all but I realized a few days ago I will need someone to use.  Is that too real for me to mention on a public blog?  It’s the truth.  He’s an excuse to go out, have a light meal with, some drinks, some fun, and that’s just it.  I’m sure he’s not looking for anything more than that.  So we’re on the same page.  I’m gonna see him again Tuesday.  It feels like it’s been a long time feeling this happy and excited!  Ok, I wanna say I’m excited one more time.  Smiling from ear to ear.

I MISS DAY DRINKING SO MUCH.  Sometimes, it would go overboard.  I remember some days I’d drink for 10-12hrs which is a “waste” of a Saturday/Sunday but I was in my mid-20s.  Plus, I’m 27 still so I’m going to fucking live my life.  If I end up as a spinster, that’s fine, I’ve been prepared for that lol.

I am desperate for new friends.  I like my current friends but they’re all dudes.  Like, all of them.  Then the gal pals I have either are in relationships, too far, or just aren’t into the same things I am.  I believe the friendships we make in high school are the friendships we make for life.  Was that queer to say?  Unfortunately, I had a lot of guy friends that are in a relationship, getting married, etc so I’m that female friend their mates don’t like.

I’m excited about pilates, I just haven’t really decided on what studio to commit to.

Thursday, I have this networking/real estate marketing thing to attend during lunch so I’m pretty excited about that too.

Overall, I just feel good.  I’ve been sleeping early and waking up early.  Like 7am on Saturday and Sunday!  Who the fuck does that??  I’ve been reading one of Andy Cohen’s books at night and the format is kind of genius.  It’s basically what I’ve been doing my whole internet life but I’m not interesting nor do I know anyone interesting so it doesn’t go anywhere.  I can’t stop smiling, I feel crazy!  I think it’s a combination of reclaiming my time, doing things I’ve been wanting to do, and talking to someone who is interesting enough but doesn’t absorb all of my time.  I’m seriously so happy right now.

The Glamour and Romance of Oscar de la Renta Exhibit @MFAH | Full Circle

  • The first part of this entry will be about the Oscar de la Renta Exhibit.
  • The second half is my dumb attempt to make something meaningful out of nothing or try to prove a stupid realization that came to me last night.

 

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I didn’t know what to expect from the exhibit.  I didn’t want to do too much googling or looking at other people’s experiences on social media.  I went Saturday morning, in a better than just ok mood with solid spinster vibes.  I did get some odd looks from other couples and families that were also at the museum but I tried to not let it get to me.  I saw some fabulous couples that were much older, cultured, and seemed happy.  Highkey jel.

It was impeccable!  I’m sure the first several days were amazing because towards the end of any exhibit, for whatever reason, there’s this slight lack of quality.  You kind of feel like you’re going through a sale rack at the last days of an exhibit.  I was handed a listening device that I didn’t think I’d need.  I thought it was for old people who were disabled visually and audibly lol.  I was advised to point at the squares and listen to the audio.  Ugh, I was definitely captivated by the first voice I recognized – almost immediately.  Andre Leon Talley.  I wanted to yelp – I was so excited.  It felt like he was leaving ME personal stories.  That was such a great feature.  I remember thinking… There has to be a way to capture all the audio online and just listen but no way.  Here are some more photos I took from my experience.  Unfortunately, my phone decided I had taken enough photos.  It wasn’t even telling me my phone was full – the camera app just simply would not take anymore photos lol.  I even deleted like 5-6 apps and 60+ older pics and nothing.  My phone definitely has a personality.

 

 

The pictures are in no particular order and I don’t think many of you care too much the actual size/detail of each pic.  Eyeroll emoji.

I entered the other exhibits; honestly the Indian exhibit was cool because of the preserved artifacts and whatnot but I wasn’t eager to know more.  I appreciated the preservation, the bits of facts, and the culture but I did a speedy walk-thru to see the Michelangelo exhibit.  Which was far more interesting to me.  Again, I wish I had photos.

The thing about going to the museum is… if the people you go with aren’t that interested, it either feels like dragging a dog that doesn’t want to walk or trying to keep an anxious dog steady at your pace.  I don’t mean to call people dogs but this is the best analogy I can come up with at the moment.  I’ve gone with people that just want to say they’ve gone to the museum and take pictures to seem cultured?  I don’t really know.  I go because I like taking in all the information, I consider the effort and quality, I get totally enveloped in the exhibit.  When I learned about this Oscar de la Renta exhibit, I knew I wanted to enjoy it with someone who either knew about fashion as much as me, at least knew or wanted to know more about the life of Oscar, and/or would appreciate art.  That would cancel out almost everyone I know.  I need more fashion friends.  Not just people who care about flaunting labels but people who understand style, fashion, art, and the creative people in the industry.

At the very end of the exhibit, the store only had 2 size small Oscar de la Renta shirts that two other girls picked up before I could.  They were at least medium-sized, I don’t know who the fuck they were kidding.  That was so frustrating to me.  They would not be able to fit it, that means they aren’t going to wear it, so it’s just a waste of a shirt.  SO upset about that.  I blame myself for killing time trying to get my camera to work.  I saw those girls throughout the entire exhibit.  They were like a crowd of cows that didn’t know or understand the exhibit.  They would stand in front of the exhibit, blocking other people’s view, and talking about literally their personal lives loudly.  They’d make small comments on the garments on display like they fucking knew a thing or two.  Yeah, I’m not fucking trusting THEIR opinion on style.  Lol, I’m very angry over a shirt.

Overall, very good experience.  I’m glad I went at the time I did.  I liked everything, I was tired of being alone and making comments to myself so I decided to leave.  After that, I went to pick up the little baby-sized items (emergency skincare, makeup, and lady shit) I left at the ex’s.  I literally just picked up my shit and left.  It’s not the kind of goodbye I wanted but he was sweaty from helping his father with yard-work and I am generally kind of cold.

Full Circle
I want things to be on good terms.  I hope I didn’t tear him down but he seems resilient, I only want the best for him and I don’t think I was that.  Splitting was best scenario for both of us.  This has to be one of the most awkward endings.  I have a problem knowing people don’t like me, for some people that don’t like me – if I don’t respect them, I don’t care to convince them to see me differently but I respect and care for him.  I think that’s why I try to make people laugh and like me.  How desperate of me lol.

I think it’s funny how when I first met him, we talked about the museum that first night and I think he mentioned he hasn’t been in many many years.  That should’ve been a sign for me.  There were other signs that night that I should’ve regarded as warnings but a huge part of me wanted to change/think less and let things flow.  I fucking let shit flow.  What makes this relationship come full circle is the shit we promised each other the first day we met; he’d take me to TopGolf and I’d take him to museum and neither of us did that for the other person.  Ultimately, those two things made us realize how much we actually wanted to be together – nowhere near each other lol.

 

Feeling Randy

EDIT:  I am leaving a lot of moments out.  Too personal to share for now but he was not a cold person.  He was affectionate, honest, generally positive, and incredibly likable.

I’ve been meaning to get back into my writing.  Not because I think I’m a good writer but it is a good outlet for me to be me.  I can’t always confide in friends because I can be repetitive and they have their own issues too.  If I unload on them that means I have to let them unload on me and that’s just not fair because my issues are real.  (lol) 

This summer I met a boy named… Let’s call him Randy.  Randy was the epitome of what I was looking for in regards to… looks.  He stood at 6’4″, dark and wavy hair, bearded, good nose, good body – played lots of sports, just perfection.  Almost.  Our first meet was meh, forgettable.  I remember thinking at the end of it, “I’ll never see him again”.  I don’t remember if I thought that because I knew I wouldn’t reach out to him or that he wouldn’t reach out to me.  But he seemed very interested in me.  He did ask for 3 hugs by the end of that meet and then later that night he facetimed with me for 2 hours.  He played his guitar and sang for me.  Which was cute at the time but at this point it doesn’t mean much anymore lol.  We started seeing each other often then I noticed the more I learned about him, or tried to, he would stop me and tell me “you ask too many questions” or “this is too heavy, we can talk about this later”.  Which sounds like, to any reasonable person, he just wasn’t that into me.  Not enough to really let me in, at least.  I acknowledged that early on and accepted that because I also knew he wasn’t meant for me.  There were times I was totally comfortable with the idea of something casual because I couldn’t handle anything serious either.  I didn’t have my shit together.  I still don’t.

An area I knew that would’ve been a rough obstacle for us was religion.  He was raised Christian and still based a lot of his life on Christianity.  I was not raised to follow anything in particular and was allowed to believe my own honest beliefs – whatever the media tells me to… kidding.  That’s truly a tough one to compromise with if our relationship ever escalated to anything serious.  Another nugget was how generally uninformed he was on national news, world news, or any news really!  This bothers me because it tells me that he doesn’t read a lot.  I even asked him when he last read a book.  He said high school.  I get that, kind of.  Except he’s 30 and that kind of answer would’ve worked if he were 19.  However, a 19 yr old enrolled in college would’ve at least said “I opened a textbook for…” – which brings me to nugget 3.  He didn’t go to college.  I think he is the only person I’ve dated/mingled with that did not go.  I honestly didn’t care for this too much at the time because I know so many amazing, talented, intelligent people that do not have their college degree.  Time in college was either holding them back from some incredible opportunity or they just couldn’t learn/evolve in that way.  I would love to say that’s where Randy falls under but I would be lying.  As much as he was sweet, he was a dunce.  I hate myself for saying this.  I really do.  But I am writing this for a reason.  Which will take a lot of patience and reading because the point is at the very end.  He actually never brought up school.  I did enough cyber stalking to know his real situation and to not have to ask.  The other nuggets I don’t care to really drag on about is how his dad basically supports him and how he doesn’t intend on growing up anytime soon.  Maybe not as straight forward but let’s say Randy’s job is secure as long as Randy is alive and he isn’t even really investing his money properly – maybe.  Whatever.  I recall many moments of desperately wanting to have a solid conversation about something that mattered.  A lot of serious things came up and they were always brief conversations.  Sometimes he would just look expressionless at me while I talked.  Almost afraid to say something.  Which brings me to the one time I joked about myself – because that’s what I do, I make fun of myself!  He got offended by it.  Eyeroll.  Our humor was off, for sure.

Obviously, I could make a short book about how wrong he was for me.  Not reasons he is a bad person because he wasn’t a bad egg at all – just not suitable for me.  He has to be the sweetest boy I’ve been with.  That was basically all he was – a boy.  He was not ready to be a man.  I tried to end it 3 times but ya know… when a girl gets lonely… I’m only human, ok?!  (For the record, he asked for a second chance, other times we were just horny.)  He actually ended it completely and I wasn’t going to fight it.  He said he met someone else and things “skyrocketed” during their first meet.  I’m not going to pretend like that didn’t hurt me or offend me.  “Skyrocketed”?!  C’mon, how remarkable was this broad?  I really doubt if she was top-notch in every area that counts, that she would settle for Randy.  So I’m going to assume things skyrocketed because they were most likely very sexual their first interaction.  But after all the reasoning and acceptance of the situation, it still hurt.  I think my friend Jamie was right.  He said I was mostly feeling like trash because I was the one getting dumped.  A lot of you (all 3 of you) are reading this and you’re shocked that I do the dumping.  It’s true, I’ve always been quick to go to the next but this time I was trashed and dealing with it differently.  It’s not like I don’t have prospects after Randy but I’m not as resilient as I thought.  I started to think about Randy’s potential.  I knew he was a boy but I also felt like he would change, evolve, man-up to the right occasion or person.  I wanted to be that person that influenced him.  He was such a genuinely kind and likable person with amazing physical features – I didn’t want to let that go.  I’ll be damned if he changes for this unremarkable lump of a lady he’s with now.  Ugh, she probably supports Joel Osteen.  Anyway, if that were to come true, that he changed for this new female, it would be impossible but also he would eventually resent her for making him change.  If he improves his way of life, he’d have to be doing it for him.

I learned a few things about myself from this experience.  I’m very superficial; to the point of settling for someone that can’t be the type of partner I would need him to be.  A friend told me that I don’t know my worth.  Lol.  I don’t even know how to break that one down.  I explained this entire relationship to another friend and he said Randy seemed insecure/intimidated by me and that’s why he could never have lengthy conversations.  That honestly sounds true.  Randy loved music and he would always be surprised when I spat out a fact but he would quickly change the subject.  Lastly, I learned more about Sugarland than I wanted to know.  I could never live over there.