I’m Difficult

I find reasons why I wasn’t able to continue certain relationships with people. I always look for reasons. It’s rare I let a relationship go through an incident to push to towards ending. I look back and see a lot of the guys that “weren’t good enough for me” in serious relationships now, it sometimes upsets me. Not terribly – I’m not regretful or angry. I eventually feel happy for them. I don’t necessarily feel like I am missing out but I get upset at how it comes so easy for some people. The flaws I saw in someone, isn’t a flaw for that new person, or maybe it is and they made it work. I’m sorry, mushy hands aren’t a deal-breaker for you? Although I look for reasons to end the relationship I also rely on guys to make me feel good about myself.

I went on a drink meet a couple days ago. One I didn’t think I would ever agree to go on because it was the snapchat lawyer guy. It had been a while since I last interacted with him, so I basically forgot everything about him. I agreed because I needed a reason to go out again. Get my feet wet with meeting new people and I suppose learning how to communicate in a covid world. When I think back on it, it makes me sick how I yapped the entire night about myself. I didn’t ask him anything important or anything to make him feel like I was interested in him as a person. I had been on a few drink dates in the past where the guy would go on and on about himself and not even ask me ONE thing. I was that guy that night. It hurts me just thinking about it. Even when this snapchat lawyer started with telling me he was one of four siblings and the youngest – I fucken stole the convo and talked more about dumb shit. He had moments talking about movies and comedy so I think that helps. I can’t remember if he said anything else. Also, desperately trying to remember a movie he mentioned I would like and I’m racking my brain. Keywords: Netflix, world war II, JFK. It’s fucking killing me. I basically walked away not knowing a thing about him. I seriously feel sick about how I interacted with him that night. Like, wtf did I think I was doing?! Some interview for a low budget podcast?! What irritates me is looking back on drink meets from the past, I was loaded with top notch questions. Just gems, shit you don’t normally ask on a first meet but I asked it. I loved getting responses to crazy questions. I am so embarrassed about how much I talked about myself because I don’t particularly have anything in my life worth repeating. I am sure his life is far more interesting. He’s a lawyer, that itself is more interesting than any dumb shit I have going on.

Okay, I got that out my system. I don’t want to see certain things about people. I don’t want to look for reasons to end something. Is it too late for me to change? But, do we remember when I decided to be NOT difficult and tried to settle for the Serbian and that backfired on me? I needed this year to really reflect and although I didn’t want to meet anyone, somewhat glad I did, it was a good test and it helped me determine I’m still not ready to involve any type of guy in my life. I was so offended when he didn’t even suggest another meet. I didn’t necessarily feel sparks and I was a complete jerk… But how dare he not even try to ask for another meet? But see, why do I care so much? Why does it offend me if I’m not interested?! My point is, I don’t want to be difficult. Not. Ready. For. Guys.

God, but looking back on that drink meet… He was a champ. Listening to my garbage, he was so incredibly nice, very handsome, great hair, good opinions on comedy, movies, and people. Genuinely a nice guy – not the type of “nice guy” that has to state it in a profile or declare it in real life. Not sure why he’s still on the market. I think he’s gold. Hey, but maybe he’s difficult too.

Peter Pan Syndrome

I always thought I would get married and have kids by a certain age.  I am realizing, considering the pace I’m going and the way my generation is behaving, I most likely won’t have any of that.  As depressing as that may sound, I know it can’t be that bad to be single for the rest of my life.  I still have lots of growing up to do, understanding people (myself included), exploring life outside Houston/Texas, AND there’s always good friends, hobbies, and cats!  It seems to me women are easier and men are more inconsistent than ever.  How do I condition myself to want something different?

Peter Pan syndrome is real.  I’m tired of being disappointed by men; Should I say boys?  Of course not all men.  The last guy I decided to stop seeing was and has been very good towards me.  I just wasn’t super attracted to him and I didn’t want to learn to like/love someone.  I guess I could name a handful of very decent guys, which still gives me some hope.  The ones I always seem to be attracted to are the most inconsistent males ever and their actions make me think or feel like a zilch.

Someone who started following me years ago on Instagram did nothing to make me want to follow him back.  I think it was one mega slow, boring day at work sometime in 2016 when I noticed he liked one of my pics.  I actually acknowledged his likes before but didn’t care enough to check out his account until that particular day.  He was surprisingly attractive in a Tom Cruise mixed with Patrick Bateman/American Psycho kind of way.  I decided to follow back.  Neither of us did shit except like each other’s posts until he decided to take a serious interest in me in March of this year.  Hah, it was actually 1 week or so after my breakup with the ex.  I thought this was a sign.  That’s the asian/Buddhist in me – tryna find a (mis)fortune, karma, or symbolic reason for everything.  He asked me out and I agreed to meet him for drinks.  I honestly put zero effort in appearance because… 1 – I assumed he was going to be 5’10; 2 – I assumed he was probably better looking in pictures than in real life; 3 – I wasn’t looking for anything but time to get away from work and home so I wasn’t consumed of negative thoughts about my breakup.  Anyway, I was wrong about my assumptions and we spent a significant amount of time together.  We met at 7pm on a Monday night; Mostly talking, drinking, and making out at multiple places around downtown until 2:30am.  I remember thinking “I like this guy too much and I don’t feel bad about it”.  He was talking at me and all I could think about was how much I was ready to settle for something I wasn’t even happy in just 1-2 weeks ago when someone who I had better conversations and more things in common with had been following me for years.  I also remember thinking “he’s awfully open and talking a lot about personal stuff, he can’t be looking for something casual, he’s not a fuckboy”.  Well boy was I wrong.

He kept suggesting we go to his place since it was getting late (should that have been a sign?) and I said I couldn’t do that so soon considering I had just gotten out of a relationship and it was our first meet.  He was respectful and we just continued to make out but I guess I brought up the idea of seeing him again.  I mean, I thought that wasn’t too far-fetched from reality.  The amount of making out and talking we did would make even the random hobo who asked us for change assume there’d be a second meet.  He said something along the lines of “we should do a proper date; dinner, drinks, and something” and I agreed.  The amount of making out was kind of ridiculous.  We agreed to see each other in a week because he was going to San Diego or whatever.  He texts me next day in the morning, I try my best to text back (I wasn’t too speedy with my responses because I was working) and then he was dead by 2pm.  I assumed he was consumed by is travel plans and work so I didn’t try to reach out again.  He decided to do the same.  Until a month later he decides to comment on my IG stories.  I never responded.  He commented as if he didn’t owe me any explanation on zero communication for a month.  I understand he doesn’t really owe me anything but he can’t expect me to not be offended by what he did then just be so willingly to communicate again.

Some Peter Pan signs that I should’ve regarded:  35 years old.  I asked him when his last serious relationship was and he said 4 years ago.  Meaning, the last 4 years he’s just been dicking around.  He had just bought a condo; 1 bedroom.  That’s pretty clear he likes his single life and not looking to share space with someone else.  He had a dog for a long time but ended up having his mother take care of it.  That kind of screams “I suddenly don’t have time or energy for this dog I’ve had for many years and I’m giving up”.  Doesn’t that say a lot about how he would be in a long term relationship?  Lol am I being too asian?  He expressed his goals were to find someone to marry and have kids but his actions, not the ones involving me (or lack of actions), seemed to point opposite direction.  Judging from his social life, how he lives minus the social life, and the people he considers as friends, he is certainly Peter Pan-ing.

Another guy I decided to meet about a month ago from a dating app was someone I had actually matched with before.  When I was still in college!  It was during finals, my last semester.  He obviously did not remember which is fine because I didn’t want to explain my past.  I was surprised to see this guy because I remember thinking he was too handsome to be single but he must be an elite lothario, lol.  That’s how I even remember the guy.  So we met and we did stuff.  I think it was clear there was no sparks.  Next day, after I left his place I realized I never thanked him for the drinks and I could’ve just not cared and gone silent but I hated the idea of someone thinking I was ungrateful, ill-mannered, and so entitled or something.  I thanked him via text and mentioned how someone noticed my pink Chanel boots.  I was genuinely really happy about that bc that was a tough elevator ride.  I looked like upper middle class whore but that elevator lady was so incredibly kind for making me feel less ashamed.  Oh, back to the point.  He said something like I’m welcome to more awkward walks of shame – or something!  It wasn’t something offensive, I mean it could’ve been to most ppl lol but I wasn’t bothered.  Even that, as casual as we set the tone of our connection, he never suggested another time to see me.  Which fucken confuses me because I thought we had decent conversations and I was a decent broad.  I was fully engaged and kept the subjects flowing without getting too deep – no matter how bothered I was by my pimple and how I had very low energy.  I was keeping it real, not fronting but also nothing too obnoxious.  I even drove in my mothers old ass Lexus because my dumbass keeps locking my steering wheel somehow.  Btw, I learned how to unlock it quickly… kind of.

He made zero effort after that night and gave me zero signs of interest.  I was impatient and other prospects were forming a line so I decided he wasn’t going to do anything else with me.  Last weekend, I post some dumb video on my IG story and he finally decides to show some interest.  I could’ve been offended but I wasn’t.  We agreed to meet before his trip to Turkey and he cancels on me the day of our meet.  Clearly I didn’t want anything but to hook up and kind of make up for how uncomfortable I was during… stuff but apparently he just didn’t care enough to even do that with me.  Why even agree to see me if he knew he didn’t want to?!  Why even reach out to me?!!  I remember asking him his goal in relationships when we first met – which is maybe odd to ask.  He responded, not verbatim “someone who I can have fun with…” then my mind just decided to forget everything else he said lol.  I don’t know what that really means.  I feel like he’s inconsistent, flaky, and keeps things ambiguous because maybe he’s talking to multiple broads.

I honestly didn’t think too much about it until yesterday… when I realized the only guys I’ve been talking to lately have been 35-36.  I’m 27, that’s almost a decade difference in age, why would these older guys be interested in me and how young are they willing to date?  What does that say about them and what they’re looking for?  Do men ever get to a point and think “meeting someone with substance would be nice bc dying alone sucks” or do they mentally prepare and look forward to that?  Men don’t seem to work that hard on getting what they want from a girl because we make it so easy for them.  So they don’t have to commit to anything.  I feel like a complete dunce at the end of the night or next day considering some of my actions lately.  Why don’t I know when to properly end the night after 1-2 hours?  What respect do I have for myself letting it drag on for 5-6 hours or the entire night until next day?  Why do I set myself up, set high expectations for people, and allow myself to get disappointed?  I know some female friends that go through the same inconsistencies and/or more complicated situations with guys.  It’s not just me.

I can’t remember a guy basically turning me down.  This is twice now and it’s really upsetting/disappointing.  It’s really got me feeling like a zilch and I know I shouldn’t take it so personally if I’m so firm on the idea of every single man out there having Peter Pan Syndrome.  I can’t be the only one experiencing this.  I’m so down and out about myself I almost considered reaching out to the crazy exbf who probably would’ve beat me and/or eventually killed me lol.  But that’s how much he liked me!  Passion, that’s my point.  And he was consistent!  Joking.

This post is so sloppy, sorry.

I will admit, I do miss the texts and calls from the last relationship.  I don’t necessarily miss the relationship – just the idea of someone concerned or wanting to talk and being available.  During my cardio session today, I thought about how some females could rely on their exes if they ever needed help.  I don’t even think I could consider asking the last exbf.  I don’t know if he really cared for me the way I cared about him.  Even though I wasn’t happy or seriously liked him, I genuinely enjoyed taking care of someone.  I miss that as an option.  Ppl tell me I’m young and there’s time but I’m being realistic about my future and the likelihood of me actually getting what I want.  Meeting someone that you could spend the majority of your life with and raising kids together is probably some of the best things to experience but it doesn’t happen to everyone.

New Guy

He seems to really like me and it makes me so heavy with guilt.  I wasn’t thinking this would escalate to anything.  I’m not ready for anything serious and I hope his interest in me dies down.  I wanna barf about it.  I can’t complain about anything, there’s nothing wrong with him.  I just wished he never expressed how much he likes me.  I seriously can’t breathe.  He will be gone for a week, celebrating his birthday in Hawaii, and he wants to see me again when he’s back.  Ughhhh.  That’s all he talked about towards the end of our last meet.  I think he kind of gets the idea I’m hesitant about dates because my facial expressions are very …exaggerated lol.  Ooh, I’m gonna suggest North Italia and maybe that Deadpool movie.  Except, when I think of the possibilities of romance and couple-y stuff… it literally makes me sick.

Side Note:
Whenever I’ve come into work after the fat white bitch, I ALWAYS make the effort to say hello.  Never in a way that is too forced, always as genuine as possible.  Today, she came in after me and said NOTHING.  Rude.  I get saying hello every morning gets tiring or annoying but she shows zero signs of liking me.  Whatever.  She’s not worth it.

Since I’ve been single, a lot of the same guys have been bothering me and it’s reminding me I need new people in my life.  Perhaps a good purge/blocking from social media.  Some of these guys have too much to say about my last relationship as if they were part of it.  They want to judge ME for the way I pick mates, obviously upset that I didn’t pick them and trying to make me feel like I missed out on something.  (I definitely did not miss out.)  They want to judge my last boyfriend when they don’t know anything about him.  It’s just flat out rude and pathetic.  I didn’t pick you, get over it.  Don’t be mean and talk shit.  It’s so unattractive… to take MY relationship, break it down, trying to make it seem worthless.  If that’s how they react to my break-up, they have a terrible way of dealing with rejection and saying whatever they can to make themselves sane.  This makes me hate “men” that don’t act like men.

Back to new guy.  He honestly is so sweet.  I don’t think he has any selfish/secretly bad intentions.  His accent is very cute.  Endearing now but I’m afraid it’ll be one of those things that turn into something extremely annoying.  I want to be open-minded and give people honest chances.  If he impresses me next time I see him then I might be more open to idea of doing couple shit.  He already wants to see me every weekend and asked me to stay with him over each weekend.  (How stupid sounding was that sentence?)  It gives me goosebumps just thinking about the idea.  I just got out of something like that, why would I get myself back into that with someone else?  Hell no.

Hurts To Walk

Is that too much info?  Lol

So I met a guy last Friday night.  I was not looking my best but I decided to go through with the drink-meet because I’m notorious for canceling then never following-up with next meet.  I’ve canceled so much on one of the prospects that he’s stopped trying, which I don’t feel too bad about.  We met once and he asked me out about 2-3 other times for 2nd drink-meet/date but it was mostly bad timing each time he suggested a date/time.  It’s actually a relief.  One other prospect I actually thought was more than decent decided to fall off the grid.  I find that odd after the 5-6hrs we spent together on the first meet.  I recall trying to end it early 2 times but he was the one dragging it out, texted me next day, then nothing for weeks.  Eyeroll emoji.  The guy from Friday night was very nice, handsome, and likable.  Will I see him again?  Who knows.  I want to say the ball is in his court.  Btw, I’ve been really wanting to go to a sportsball game!  Even baseball!!  I just wanna go for some odd reason.

I think he understood he was a rebound but I wouldn’t mind seeing him again.  He mentioned something about rules and feelings but I didn’t understand and didn’t feel like asking him to explain or repeat.  Lol.  I’m just keeping it simple.  I’m not looking for anything serious – I don’t think he cares as long as I don’t catch feelings.  I think that was what he was trying to say in an uber nice way.  I’m not too worried about catching feelings; I don’t know how I am so confident about saying that.  I am attracted to him but I guess I’m not getting certain vibes from him so my brain isn’t letting me feel extra shit.  I needed that night with someone else to boost my self esteem.

I was struggling with a huge pimple on my nose, which was contributing to my low self-worth.  I didn’t treat it immediately because I thought I was going to cancel on Friday Guy.  I decided to commit to the meet sometime midday and try not to let the pimple consume my head.  It fucking made me feel gross all night.  Whenever the guy was talking, I kept thinking “he’s looking at my pimple, he’s talking to my pimple, he’s judging me and my pimple.  He probably thinks I have a terrible diet, I don’t take care of myself/skin, he is grossed out by me”.  I’ve never been a huge acne person.  What I mean is, I don’t have these pimple issues too often.  They’re far and few.  I don’t know how to properly deal!  I always end up attacking and relentless picking.

I definitely had some walls up that night.  He was a good time.  I appreciate him treating me the way he did.  I hope I didn’t seem rude the way I left.  I got dressed fast, didn’t even pee, I didn’t want to be that bitch that loitered around too long.  I have nothing negative to say.  Except!  Lol.  I’m in pain.  I only had a salad for lunch and didn’t eat dinner Friday.  I didn’t want to look bloated in the face.  Knowing I didn’t have enough to eat, I knew my drinking limit for the night.  I don’t remember too much but I remember I was embarrassed about my legs fucking trembling!!  Never in my life, during uhh… that, have my legs trembled.  He didn’t seem bothered and it eventually stopped.  It was as if my lower half was going through a seizure.  I’m letting my body recover.

I still miss relationship-y things like hugging, cuddling, and hand holding.  That’s too much to ask for with someone new and when it’s clearly not serious.  I don’t think it would escalate things but whatever.  I’m starting to understand that weird cuddling service but not really because ew.  I’m hoping the pilates classes I signed up for recently will help me feel less lonely, improve my self esteem, enforce a routine, just overall make me feel some sort of positive feelz.

New Me, New B(itch)

I’m excited for my new endeavors!

Conversations are pretty good with the guy I met last Monday.  I’m not taking it seriously at all but I realized a few days ago I will need someone to use.  Is that too real for me to mention on a public blog?  It’s the truth.  He’s an excuse to go out, have a light meal with, some drinks, some fun, and that’s just it.  I’m sure he’s not looking for anything more than that.  So we’re on the same page.  I’m gonna see him again Tuesday.  It feels like it’s been a long time feeling this happy and excited!  Ok, I wanna say I’m excited one more time.  Smiling from ear to ear.

I MISS DAY DRINKING SO MUCH.  Sometimes, it would go overboard.  I remember some days I’d drink for 10-12hrs which is a “waste” of a Saturday/Sunday but I was in my mid-20s.  Plus, I’m 27 still so I’m going to fucking live my life.  If I end up as a spinster, that’s fine, I’ve been prepared for that lol.

I am desperate for new friends.  I like my current friends but they’re all dudes.  Like, all of them.  Then the gal pals I have either are in relationships, too far, or just aren’t into the same things I am.  I believe the friendships we make in high school are the friendships we make for life.  Was that queer to say?  Unfortunately, I had a lot of guy friends that are in a relationship, getting married, etc so I’m that female friend their mates don’t like.

I’m excited about pilates, I just haven’t really decided on what studio to commit to.

Thursday, I have this networking/real estate marketing thing to attend during lunch so I’m pretty excited about that too.

Overall, I just feel good.  I’ve been sleeping early and waking up early.  Like 7am on Saturday and Sunday!  Who the fuck does that??  I’ve been reading one of Andy Cohen’s books at night and the format is kind of genius.  It’s basically what I’ve been doing my whole internet life but I’m not interesting nor do I know anyone interesting so it doesn’t go anywhere.  I can’t stop smiling, I feel crazy!  I think it’s a combination of reclaiming my time, doing things I’ve been wanting to do, and talking to someone who is interesting enough but doesn’t absorb all of my time.  I’m seriously so happy right now.