I’m Difficult

I find reasons why I wasn’t able to continue certain relationships with people. I always look for reasons. It’s rare I let a relationship go through an incident to push to towards ending. I look back and see a lot of the guys that “weren’t good enough for me” in serious relationships now, it sometimes upsets me. Not terribly – I’m not regretful or angry. I eventually feel happy for them. I don’t necessarily feel like I am missing out but I get upset at how it comes so easy for some people. The flaws I saw in someone, isn’t a flaw for that new person, or maybe it is and they made it work. I’m sorry, mushy hands aren’t a deal-breaker for you? Although I look for reasons to end the relationship I also rely on guys to make me feel good about myself.

I went on a drink meet a couple days ago. One I didn’t think I would ever agree to go on because it was the snapchat lawyer guy. It had been a while since I last interacted with him, so I basically forgot everything about him. I agreed because I needed a reason to go out again. Get my feet wet with meeting new people and I suppose learning how to communicate in a covid world. When I think back on it, it makes me sick how I yapped the entire night about myself. I didn’t ask him anything important or anything to make him feel like I was interested in him as a person. I had been on a few drink dates in the past where the guy would go on and on about himself and not even ask me ONE thing. I was that guy that night. It hurts me just thinking about it. Even when this snapchat lawyer started with telling me he was one of four siblings and the youngest – I fucken stole the convo and talked more about dumb shit. He had moments talking about movies and comedy so I think that helps. I can’t remember if he said anything else. Also, desperately trying to remember a movie he mentioned I would like and I’m racking my brain. Keywords: Netflix, world war II, JFK. It’s fucking killing me. I basically walked away not knowing a thing about him. I seriously feel sick about how I interacted with him that night. Like, wtf did I think I was doing?! Some interview for a low budget podcast?! What irritates me is looking back on drink meets from the past, I was loaded with top notch questions. Just gems, shit you don’t normally ask on a first meet but I asked it. I loved getting responses to crazy questions. I am so embarrassed about how much I talked about myself because I don’t particularly have anything in my life worth repeating. I am sure his life is far more interesting. He’s a lawyer, that itself is more interesting than any dumb shit I have going on.

Okay, I got that out my system. I don’t want to see certain things about people. I don’t want to look for reasons to end something. Is it too late for me to change? But, do we remember when I decided to be NOT difficult and tried to settle for the Serbian and that backfired on me? I needed this year to really reflect and although I didn’t want to meet anyone, somewhat glad I did, it was a good test and it helped me determine I’m still not ready to involve any type of guy in my life. I was so offended when he didn’t even suggest another meet. I didn’t necessarily feel sparks and I was a complete jerk… But how dare he not even try to ask for another meet? But see, why do I care so much? Why does it offend me if I’m not interested?! My point is, I don’t want to be difficult. Not. Ready. For. Guys.

God, but looking back on that drink meet… He was a champ. Listening to my garbage, he was so incredibly nice, very handsome, great hair, good opinions on comedy, movies, and people. Genuinely a nice guy – not the type of “nice guy” that has to state it in a profile or declare it in real life. Not sure why he’s still on the market. I think he’s gold. Hey, but maybe he’s difficult too.