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New Me, New B(itch)

I’m excited for my new endeavors!

Conversations are pretty good with the guy I met last Monday.  I’m not taking it seriously at all but I realized a few days ago I will need someone to use.  Is that too real for me to mention on a public blog?  It’s the truth.  He’s an excuse to go out, have a light meal with, some drinks, some fun, and that’s just it.  I’m sure he’s not looking for anything more than that.  So we’re on the same page.  I’m gonna see him again Tuesday.  It feels like it’s been a long time feeling this happy and excited!  Ok, I wanna say I’m excited one more time.  Smiling from ear to ear.

I MISS DAY DRINKING SO MUCH.  Sometimes, it would go overboard.  I remember some days I’d drink for 10-12hrs which is a “waste” of a Saturday/Sunday but I was in my mid-20s.  Plus, I’m 27 still so I’m going to fucking live my life.  If I end up as a spinster, that’s fine, I’ve been prepared for that lol.

I am desperate for new friends.  I like my current friends but they’re all dudes.  Like, all of them.  Then the gal pals I have either are in relationships, too far, or just aren’t into the same things I am.  I believe the friendships we make in high school are the friendships we make for life.  Was that queer to say?  Unfortunately, I had a lot of guy friends that are in a relationship, getting married, etc so I’m that female friend their mates don’t like.

I’m excited about pilates, I just haven’t really decided on what studio to commit to.

Thursday, I have this networking/real estate marketing thing to attend during lunch so I’m pretty excited about that too.

Overall, I just feel good.  I’ve been sleeping early and waking up early.  Like 7am on Saturday and Sunday!  Who the fuck does that??  I’ve been reading one of Andy Cohen’s books at night and the format is kind of genius.  It’s basically what I’ve been doing my whole internet life but I’m not interesting nor do I know anyone interesting so it doesn’t go anywhere.  I can’t stop smiling, I feel crazy!  I think it’s a combination of reclaiming my time, doing things I’ve been wanting to do, and talking to someone who is interesting enough but doesn’t absorb all of my time.  I’m seriously so happy right now.

The Glamour and Romance of Oscar de la Renta Exhibit @MFAH | Full Circle

  • The first part of this entry will be about the Oscar de la Renta Exhibit.
  • The second half is my dumb attempt to make something meaningful out of nothing or try to prove a stupid realization that came to me last night.

 

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I didn’t know what to expect from the exhibit.  I didn’t want to do too much googling or looking at other people’s experiences on social media.  I went Saturday morning, in a better than just ok mood with solid spinster vibes.  I did get some odd looks from other couples and families that were also at the museum but I tried to not let it get to me.  I saw some fabulous couples that were much older, cultured, and seemed happy.  Highkey jel.

It was impeccable!  I’m sure the first several days were amazing because towards the end of any exhibit, for whatever reason, there’s this slight lack of quality.  You kind of feel like you’re going through a sale rack at the last days of an exhibit.  I was handed a listening device that I didn’t think I’d need.  I thought it was for old people who were disabled visually and audibly lol.  I was advised to point at the squares and listen to the audio.  Ugh, I was definitely captivated by the first voice I recognized – almost immediately.  Andre Leon Talley.  I wanted to yelp – I was so excited.  It felt like he was leaving ME personal stories.  That was such a great feature.  I remember thinking… There has to be a way to capture all the audio online and just listen but no way.  Here are some more photos I took from my experience.  Unfortunately, my phone decided I had taken enough photos.  It wasn’t even telling me my phone was full – the camera app just simply would not take anymore photos lol.  I even deleted like 5-6 apps and 60+ older pics and nothing.  My phone definitely has a personality.

 

 

The pictures are in no particular order and I don’t think many of you care too much the actual size/detail of each pic.  Eyeroll emoji.

I entered the other exhibits; honestly the Indian exhibit was cool because of the preserved artifacts and whatnot but I wasn’t eager to know more.  I appreciated the preservation, the bits of facts, and the culture but I did a speedy walk-thru to see the Michelangelo exhibit.  Which was far more interesting to me.  Again, I wish I had photos.

The thing about going to the museum is… if the people you go with aren’t that interested, it either feels like dragging a dog that doesn’t want to walk or trying to keep an anxious dog steady at your pace.  I don’t mean to call people dogs but this is the best analogy I can come up with at the moment.  I’ve gone with people that just want to say they’ve gone to the museum and take pictures to seem cultured?  I don’t really know.  I go because I like taking in all the information, I consider the effort and quality, I get totally enveloped in the exhibit.  When I learned about this Oscar de la Renta exhibit, I knew I wanted to enjoy it with someone who either knew about fashion as much as me, at least knew or wanted to know more about the life of Oscar, and/or would appreciate art.  That would cancel out almost everyone I know.  I need more fashion friends.  Not just people who care about flaunting labels but people who understand style, fashion, art, and the creative people in the industry.

At the very end of the exhibit, the store only had 2 size small Oscar de la Renta shirts that two other girls picked up before I could.  They were at least medium-sized, I don’t know who the fuck they were kidding.  That was so frustrating to me.  They would not be able to fit it, that means they aren’t going to wear it, so it’s just a waste of a shirt.  SO upset about that.  I blame myself for killing time trying to get my camera to work.  I saw those girls throughout the entire exhibit.  They were like a crowd of cows that didn’t know or understand the exhibit.  They would stand in front of the exhibit, blocking other people’s view, and talking about literally their personal lives loudly.  They’d make small comments on the garments on display like they fucking knew a thing or two.  Yeah, I’m not fucking trusting THEIR opinion on style.  Lol, I’m very angry over a shirt.

Overall, very good experience.  I’m glad I went at the time I did.  I liked everything, I was tired of being alone and making comments to myself so I decided to leave.  After that, I went to pick up the little baby-sized items (emergency skincare, makeup, and lady shit) I left at the ex’s.  I literally just picked up my shit and left.  It’s not the kind of goodbye I wanted but he was sweaty from helping his father with yard-work and I am generally kind of cold.

Full Circle
I want things to be on good terms.  I hope I didn’t tear him down but he seems resilient, I only want the best for him and I don’t think I was that.  Splitting was best scenario for both of us.  This has to be one of the most awkward endings.  I have a problem knowing people don’t like me, for some people that don’t like me – if I don’t respect them, I don’t care to convince them to see me differently but I respect and care for him.  I think that’s why I try to make people laugh and like me.  How desperate of me lol.

I think it’s funny how when I first met him, we talked about the museum that first night and I think he mentioned he hasn’t been in many many years.  That should’ve been a sign for me.  There were other signs that night that I should’ve regarded as warnings but a huge part of me wanted to change/think less and let things flow.  I fucking let shit flow.  What makes this relationship come full circle is the shit we promised each other the first day we met; he’d take me to TopGolf and I’d take him to museum and neither of us did that for the other person.  Ultimately, those two things made us realize how much we actually wanted to be together – nowhere near each other lol.

 

Drink Meet

I call it drink meet, some people call it date.  I suppose it kinda sounds like saying “drink meat” and that is gross.

Song Currently Playing:  Dan Hartman – I can dream about you

Drink-Meet
I met a financier last night and it was just okay.  It’s nice to meet new people.  He wasn’t too try hard although he pulled out his Amex and it seemed staged.  We talked about finance and it made me miss my finance courses.  I had goals of actually doing something in finance and I let my misogynistic professors and father discourage me.  That’s the type of person I am.  As far as I could remember, I always let people’s words influence my decisions and compromise my future.  People I thought had my best interest; family, friends, and even teachers.

Break-up Diet
I haven’t really eaten in over 3 days lol.  I just don’t feel like it?  I chewed on a sandwich for lunch yesterday (Monday) and it was hard to finish so I didn’t finish it.  I had ONE old fashioned last night and it fucked a bitch up.  I knew it was stupid to go meet for drinks on an empty stomach but I did it anyway and when I got back to my car and drank 2 bottles of water before driving.  But before that, guy I met last night wanted me to drive him to his place lol.  I patted him on the back and told him to walk or Uber.  He texted me about 10 minutes later and asked for another date.  I went home and just crashed.  Best sleep ever.  I don’t think I even moved once.

Claiming Back My Time
Now that I have all this free time, I’m going to follow through and enroll in those real estate courses.  I bought an autobiography recently, so I’ll start reading that at night.  I’m going to either sign up for the gym/pilates.  I need to significantly reduce my shopping habits.  I have 2 other dates this week but not sure if I will commit to that.  Not looking to get plowed but just wanting an excuse to leave the house and talk to strangers.  But I need to learn how to enjoy time by myself again.  I need to figure out my meals.  I am SO over fast food.  I ate burgers so often the last few months, I see what its done to my body and it is so upsetting.  Burgers, pizza, and Mexican food is fucking great, ok?!  Don’t get me wrong.  I just don’t think it’s okay to eat it too often.

The Laptop Sitch
I asked a few of my tech friends about their suggestions and most of them were all over the place.  I have a perfectly good iMac at home – I’m going to tie myself to my desk and work on my projects there.  I’ve also decided on a camera so once it comes in, I’ll do my editing on the iMac and start uploading videos again.  Making a list of content but I want to be original.  Watch, my concepts will be so original, when you search for it you will find so many other people have already done it.  I’M SO UNORIGINAL is what I’m trying to say.  But it’s okay.  I’m going to wait for June/July for new Macbook releases.  I was going to get a Lenovo but they’re not good for video editing and any Adobe action?

 

 

Writing More Often

It’s been rough pretending nothing is going on with me while at work.  My boss is being classic dunce and thank goodness Evan is being more than a decent friend the last few days.  I appreciate him being more available via text even though he has a crazy work life.  Instead of unloading all this extra shit I feel, I’m putting it down here.  The loneliness is still nauseating.  So I’m gonna go out and try to feel something else besides that and condition myself to enjoy my free time again.

I can’t help but think of the times my exbf was “on one” and would talk to his brother.  It was so uncomfortable for me, I kept thinking his brother might address the issue in front of me, and it would escalate to a fight because it was so obvious.  Lately, I’ve been feeling like I enabled and abandoned someone with a serious problem.

Before we broke up, I watched Clueless for the 3-millionth time.  There was this scene where Cher talks to Tai…

Cher Horowitz: Tai, how old are you?
Tai Fraiser: I’ll be sixteen in May.
Cher Horowitz: My birthday is in April and, as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at a party, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
Dionne Davenport: Do you see the distinction?
Tai Fraiser: (clearly confused) Yeah.

Maybe I was the reason he lit up so much.  I’ll never really know.  I have to meet this new guy tonight and pretend I’m 100% lol.  I have to not mention my last relationship or be very brief, I have to pretend he didn’t mean anything to me, I’m not gonna let someone who didn’t really like or care about me impact a potentially decent thing and make me bitter about men/future relationships.  I’m going to be 28 in August, a good portion of me thought I would celebrate it with the ex but I’ll most likely be single/dating and I just hope the closer I am to 30 – it doesn’t kill my motivation to find a substantial relationship.  Ugh, I fucking think too much.

Feeling better but angry

It’s wrong because it’s so soon but I’m meeting with someone Monday night at Reserve 101 for drinks.  When I dated the ex, I abandoned my friendships, I stopped doing things for me.  We didn’t go out so when this new guy asked me what I like to do for fun, I almost said watching woodworking videos lol.  🙄

I felt like a trapped bird for a while and I’m anxious about going out.  Like looking good and going out.  I’m not interested in dating but I miss being out in the city.  I think the stage I’m at, since I was able to write out what happened and how I feel in the last post, I’m beyond the sadness but now resenting K for saying he felt worn out.  I was fucking worn out!!!  I fucking would’ve loved less time together to actually miss him.  At least he got shit done with me loitering near him.  I hate myself for letting him make me feel like he needed to see me every chance then say I was around too much.  If I recall, the Friday we were supposed to go to topgolf, he wanted me to come sooner rather than later and made me feel like I always arrived to his place too late. As if I would take my time getting to his place every time. Like I couldn’t have an hr after work for myself. Plus it would take 40m to get to him on a Friday after 5pm.  That particular night it took longer.

Before that, the last weekend we spent together, he had the nerve to say my contribution was very low.  Okay.  I’m not that hands-on with the actual project, but it’s not like he was trying to teach me.  What the fuck did he want from me?!  Woodworking wasn’t MY hobby.  I tried to be as useful as possible when I was there.  I cleaned his tub, which was very difficult.  I cleaned and organized the spare bedroom.  I got him a shoe rack and planned on replacing his hangers and have his clothes organized a certain way.  I folded his laundry if it was on his bed.  I even swept the garage anytime there was cutting action to reduce the sweeping he’d have to do at the end of the project.  I did that for him but I did it so I felt like I had some purpose being there.  So him minimizing my contribution felt like a slap in the face and I just remember feeling like a zilch.

I think I deserve a guy that would appreciate what I can offer instead of point out the things I didn’t or couldn’t do.  He thanked me anytime I did do something for him but I don’t know too many bitches that would’ve done what I did.  He kinda made it seem like that shit was worthless.  Smh, white privilege type of shit lol.  Nah, IDK.  He constantly tested my competence which was nice.  Good to feel like your partner makes you feel stupid.  Asking me if I had to take special testing at a kid.  I don’t wanna stay angry so I’m writing this out.  If I’m still angry at him, that means I still haven’t addressed all the problems I had.  I don’t wanna hate him.  I think his intentions were good but it’s odd to me how I had to really complain about the museum for him to say he wanted to end it.  Like wtf.  If I didn’t drunk text him, was he just gonna fucking drag this relationship out for a few more weeks?!  Months?! When was he actually gonna tell me?? 🙄🙄🙄   I guess I took a while to tell him how I felt but I was still sorting out my feelings.  It honestly felt like he couldn’t deal with my nagging about the museum so he decided to kibosh.

He mentioned our relationship was stagnant and I felt like clapping after reading that.  Yes, so stagnant.  I was talking to his friend Chris about my work and how I felt stagnant but in my head I was acknowledging how my relationship was also at a standstill. So reading that made me feel less guilty.  He went on to say we were too much alike and we didn’t have enough traits to complement each other or bring out the best in us or something.  I don’t remember.  I’ll admit I enabled him and I think part of him wanted me to tell him to quit smoking.  Not sure.  I just knew early on, I liked him so much.  I thought there was gonna be a future.  I even asked him to cut back on soda, as one baby step.  I just wanted him to be healthy and feel better.  But he couldn’t even cut that habit.  He was only 31 but he would exude this 35-37 essence about himself.  It worried me because uhh I’m 27, please have some energy ok.  It had to be the smoking that made him lazy, eat obsessively, and just passing out shortly after.  I have these photos to prove a point (but now it’s just creepy lol) of him being passed out while I was wide awake. 😒😔 I would lay there feeling lonely.  I so badly wanted us to sit through a whole movie and then talk about it afterwards.  Or just nice pillow talk.  Is that stupid?  I did that with the short term dudes I’d end up trashing.  Why couldn’t I do that with him?  Him passing out early forced me to sleep early.  Which I have a hard time doing when I’m at home – I think too much. It’s 330am rn 🙄 I’m done.