Depth of a Car Salesman

As far as I could remember, car salesmen have always had this negative stigma in society. Maybe I learned it from TV originally but I also remember being a kid and hearing grownups badmouth car salesmen. They can’t be trusted, they scam people, low-lives that couldn’t get a real job. Salespeople in general actually. I hope I don’t offend anyone with this post but I’ve probably offended many in my other posts. This is about a particular guy I’ve encountered a couple times.

I think I’ve matched with BJ a handful of times. Sometimes I would let it expire. Other times I continue the convo and just leave him hanging. Sometime in 2018, I apparently gave him my number and we texted for a bit and I left him on read. Anytime I allowed a conversation, he would open with “I just moved here”. It triggered me. It made me want to call him out for it but it seemed like such a childish thing to do. But also, wasn’t that childish of him? He’s been here for 5 years, I would hardly call that recent. He wouldn’t say where he was originally from. He’d mention work a lot and wasn’t great with conversations. Making it hard to connect. Making it less interesting for me to want to meet. Which is why I abandoned those previous attempts.

I decided to give him a real chance recently. After the drink meet with the lawyer, I felt like I needed practice talking again and knowing when to shut up. I was certain I wouldn’t like this car salesman and it sounds bad knowing I would use him as practice but I figured it knocks out a reoccurring match and gets me out there again. Why did I keep matching with him? He was handsome. Most of his pictures sucked and was a bit cringeworthy. Patrick Bateman-esque but not really. He suggested to meet and I told him day and time I was available. Let me tell ya about the meet… because what a meet.

I told him I was coming casual. Especially after meeting the lawyer, I was a bit overdressed. So I decided I would show up… relaxed. Ya know, adidas tracksuit. He said he would change. He did not. He arrived early and lived near the place he suggested. He had the time to change, but didn’t. He showed up in a suit. He looked much better than his photos. I was annoyed. There I was sitting looking all atheleisurely and he looking all professional. It was like a bad sex deal. I instantly didn’t know what to say. He was talking about something I can’t remember and when it came to my turn… I had nothing to say. I was so turned off by what he was saying. I felt so anxious to leave and it was just so early in the meet. I kept nodding and saying “I got nothing”. It was such a challenge for me to want to talk. I didn’t want to tell him anything about me. To kill time, I just kept asking more about him. He kept mentioning work. At some point I asked him if he was even happy because he kept complaining. He couldn’t really look at me after I asked. I felt like maybe I was too brash. He had just told me he was in Florida for 15 years doing this car sales gig and came to houston to continue, then I ask him if he’s even happy doing what he does. Maybe it wasn’t my place to ask that too soon. He answered but I don’t remember lol.

It got to the point where maybe he realized I was done. He would poke fun of me and I would poke fun of him. He mentioned he makes “a lot of money” and how he has to “block a lot of women”. I don’t think he went to college. He painted himself as super successful and planning to retire in 7 years. Had a side hustle with property management on Sundays, his days off. Seemed to resent his parents for moving too often during his childhood. Wasn’t long enough to make life long friendships or a place to call home. We ended up playing with each other’s hands after all the ball busting and he wanted my number. As if he didn’t have it already. Maybe he deleted me. We kissed, he messed up my hair, and we kissed again. It was awkward. I knew I didn’t like him but it felt good to have that type of male interaction again. it made me feel good about myself. Being me, I had to overthink things and while it was nice feeling flirty and feeling wanted I kept thinking “great, car guy is interested and I couldn’t get lawyer interested”.

We texted more often after first meet. In fact, he would text me every morning and pepper the same texts throughout the day. The way he would text was so immature. I failed to mention, this guy is 40. He would text like a 20-something college guy. Confusing “to” and “too” every time. I am so certain he doesn’t know the difference. He starts many statements with “and”. For example; “and good morning”. It began to annoy me. Everyday since the first meet, he would just complain about work. I get it, sales are bad during this time but I… don’t care? He’d work 10 hours days, 6 days a week. He would suggest to meet at odd times. It was never disrespectful because I was also understanding of his work schedule but it would be inconvenient for me. He began to grow upset. I was saying no to a second meet every time. 3 times to be exact.

I made an effort Friday night to actually meet. Let me tell you, that’s me putting in real effort. It rained all day. It was miserable weather. I had to rush home and get ready. I arrived to his place late and he wasn’t too upset but gave me a little bit of shit for it. Playful shit. We hang out and I was turned off by his shirt. It had a distinct mildew smell. I let it go but it was like another person in the room, that smell. I didn’t judge extra hard because I can imagine him throwing in a load in the washer and not remembering or not having the time to throw it in dryer in time. Even now, I keep thinking, why couldn’t he put on a different shirt? Surely he had another shirt. He had to have acknowledged that smell. We didn’t have any conversation that night. Just watching Netflix. It was terrible but do I look forward seeing him again? Not so much. While I was in his house, I observed everything and he had such a bland life. He would spend so much of his time at work, he barely had a life outside work. It was hard to figure out who I was hanging out with. He isn’t boyfriend material. He never asked me anything about myself. He wasn’t interested but he also wasn’t interesting.

I appreciated the kisses and fondling but I think it was confusing for me because I miss intimacy with someone. Not so much that I actually like or want him. We ended the night and he suggested I stay. I insisted on leaving. I’m still doing the no sex thing. I just can’t imagine, besides sex, how he would be useful to me or to any woman. He shows no emotion, passion, or interests. He has nothing to contribute. He is always focused on money and work. When does he get to enjoy life? I can’t and not willing to change up my schedule for him. It’s not worth it.

I want a good reason to feel bad for him, but if you met him, his personality makes it hard to even like him. He has a jerk quality. Part of me understands it was his childhood experiences that molded him this way. He was still holding onto that resentment – blaming his parents. Connection not strong enough for me to want to help or peel back those layers. I’m sure he has decent 20-something yr old prospects to recycle the “I make a lot of money” stuff on. We know it’s a front for something totally unremarkable underneath. I wish some men could just be genuine. Let some walls down and be more likable. Especially if they’re in the car dealership industry. You’re already starting off negative? Can’t you be a better person outside work?!

I’m Difficult

I find reasons why I wasn’t able to continue certain relationships with people. I always look for reasons. It’s rare I let a relationship go through an incident to push to towards ending. I look back and see a lot of the guys that “weren’t good enough for me” in serious relationships now, it sometimes upsets me. Not terribly – I’m not regretful or angry. I eventually feel happy for them. I don’t necessarily feel like I am missing out but I get upset at how it comes so easy for some people. The flaws I saw in someone, isn’t a flaw for that new person, or maybe it is and they made it work. I’m sorry, mushy hands aren’t a deal-breaker for you? Although I look for reasons to end the relationship I also rely on guys to make me feel good about myself.

I went on a drink meet a couple days ago. One I didn’t think I would ever agree to go on because it was the snapchat lawyer guy. It had been a while since I last interacted with him, so I basically forgot everything about him. I agreed because I needed a reason to go out again. Get my feet wet with meeting new people and I suppose learning how to communicate in a covid world. When I think back on it, it makes me sick how I yapped the entire night about myself. I didn’t ask him anything important or anything to make him feel like I was interested in him as a person. I had been on a few drink dates in the past where the guy would go on and on about himself and not even ask me ONE thing. I was that guy that night. It hurts me just thinking about it. Even when this snapchat lawyer started with telling me he was one of four siblings and the youngest – I fucken stole the convo and talked more about dumb shit. He had moments talking about movies and comedy so I think that helps. I can’t remember if he said anything else. Also, desperately trying to remember a movie he mentioned I would like and I’m racking my brain. Keywords: Netflix, world war II, JFK. It’s fucking killing me. I basically walked away not knowing a thing about him. I seriously feel sick about how I interacted with him that night. Like, wtf did I think I was doing?! Some interview for a low budget podcast?! What irritates me is looking back on drink meets from the past, I was loaded with top notch questions. Just gems, shit you don’t normally ask on a first meet but I asked it. I loved getting responses to crazy questions. I am so embarrassed about how much I talked about myself because I don’t particularly have anything in my life worth repeating. I am sure his life is far more interesting. He’s a lawyer, that itself is more interesting than any dumb shit I have going on.

Okay, I got that out my system. I don’t want to see certain things about people. I don’t want to look for reasons to end something. Is it too late for me to change? But, do we remember when I decided to be NOT difficult and tried to settle for the Serbian and that backfired on me? I needed this year to really reflect and although I didn’t want to meet anyone, somewhat glad I did, it was a good test and it helped me determine I’m still not ready to involve any type of guy in my life. I was so offended when he didn’t even suggest another meet. I didn’t necessarily feel sparks and I was a complete jerk… But how dare he not even try to ask for another meet? But see, why do I care so much? Why does it offend me if I’m not interested?! My point is, I don’t want to be difficult. Not. Ready. For. Guys.

God, but looking back on that drink meet… He was a champ. Listening to my garbage, he was so incredibly nice, very handsome, great hair, good opinions on comedy, movies, and people. Genuinely a nice guy – not the type of “nice guy” that has to state it in a profile or declare it in real life. Not sure why he’s still on the market. I think he’s gold. Hey, but maybe he’s difficult too.

Hindsight is “20/20”

What a shitty year. I personally don’t know anyone that got to really accomplish anything. Even friends or family celebrating marriage and births couldn’t do it the way they originally intended. All significant moments rushed and contact-conscious – making experiences less emotional and meaningful. All my interactions lately have been work related. My typical meetings still scheduled in-person but I can’t deliver my impressive handshake that makes men fall on their knees and beg for me to let go. I GET THINGS DONE is what I’m trying to say! Without my handshakes, I feel inadequate and awkward when a meeting ends. Besides that, 2020 has definitely been a year of reflection. I feel like I can say that for most people. Most people with a brain. Sorry stupid brainless/braindead space-wasters. That wasn’t really targeted for anyone so if you’re offended… well. MY POINT IS: I turned 30 this year. I have not tried to end my life – not even once! Life is just the same; melancholy is a shadow that follows me. Oh my god, ew. I’m kidding but just typing that as a joke feels gross. Like, go die already, Kimberly.

I haven’t met with anyone this year. Some friends, yes. No men/boyz. I can’t even see myself on a date anytime soon. The idea sounds miserable. Staring at a stranger’s face, pretending to find interest in their work, pretending I am interested in my own work, lying about how many guys I have to shoo away. Maybe that’s just me. Not really kidding. The less I’ve shown my face on social media, the less I receive date threats. Get it? Not death threats but date threats. I’m on one today, baby!! Jokes all day. I’ve gone so far with the idea of shooing away guys that I’ve blocked almost every guy I’ve interacted with on social media and even their phone numbers. Usually the guys I had negative experiences with and some I just want to pretend never existed. There is a weird pattern of exboyfriends or guys that I trashed, already married or in serious relationships, contacting me about wanting to see me again. Blocked.

I had 2 decent prospects that didn’t escalate to anything. One guy lives in Midland and the distance made me uninterested. His lifestyle intimidates me – I know I’m not his type. He should be repulsed by me, he doesn’t seem to be, which I can’t help but categorize as a flaw. He is interested in me – terrible. Why? He is so fit. His life revolves around fitness and healthy shit and me? Well my life revolves around food and unhealthy shit. He could be only interested in very short-term involvement but I’m not in the mood for that nonsense. It’s not worth it to me. I’m 30 now; I’m better than that. Until I’m 35 and definitely can’t have kids then I’m not better than that and I’m all about that. Lookit me, disinterested in a guy because he’s just too fucking healthy. The other guy, sporty – or used to be, seems normal except for the fact he refuses to elevate the form of communication to real text messaging. It’s straight up only Snapchat – which I have not been very active on. He’s 35, a lawyer/liar and on Snapchat and refuses to share contact info… So why waste my time meeting him? He has something to hide and I don’t care enough to find out. Other than that, he’s actually a pretty good candidate. I can’t bring myself to allow that type of behavior. Zero tolerance for that level of communication. What does that say about how he thinks of me? Boy, bye.

My general mood lately is just “fine”. Zero drama in my life right now. I’m finding it hard to stay connected with friends simply because I’m not in the mood. I feel unconnected with them even if I tried my hardest to connect. I know a lot of them are lost like me. Even those with established careers and reaching milestones. Why do they do it? They ask themselves that too. I’m lost… but not lost enough to feel like I have to climb narrow, steep, cliffs. I have a number of friends doing this and they all seem to be the same type of person. Not only my personal friends, I understand it’s one of those things to do right now. It’s almost as if they put themselves at risk to feel something new and exciting. But mostly an excuse to post something – anything on social media for the likes. Likes on social media never made me feel particularly accomplished but I think some people need that very temporary acknowledgment even if it’s forgettable. For example, I asked a friend about a mutual friend of ours – why this person wasn’t asking his girlfriend of many years to marry him. Their response: Kim, you liked the engagement pic. There you have it. Liked but not remembered. Anyway, putting myself in dangerous situations… Not my idea of fun lol. To a certain extent. I can appreciate excitement but imagining putting myself in that position, actually climbing and finishing an infamous, deathly hike… would personally make me feel maybe more lost. Why would I be doing it? Because other people are doing it?? Oh my god, it’s almost like the saying “if Karen jumped off a bridge,…” It just seems like constant chase over cliffs, hills, and mountains looking for some sort of meaning – like a goddamn rainbow or a clear blue sky and life suddenly makes sense?? It’s a few degrees away from being one of those skyrise rooftop hanging freaks. Was that mean? What are they called… adrenaline chasing FREAKS. IDK. I suppose everyone has their way of thinking and method of coping with 2020. For me, it has always been writing and pointing out flaws in other people. Lol?

Although I am bored – I’m not bored or lost enough to want to hike and hang off a cliff looking down to a very possible demise. I think too much about the possible consequences like if I die from a hike… god, how embarrassing for my life and family. That’s exactly what I was thinking about when I was robbed at gunpoint a few years ago. While on the floor, head laying flat along the street, waiting to get shot in the back, the only thoughts running through my mind is “maybe holding my breath would make it hurt less” and “this is so embarrassing, my poor family”. I wonder if anyone understands that. I know the holding breath thing sounds weird c’mon. Seconds of silence that feels like eternity, waiting to get shot, you’re gonna think of semi-dumb stuff to help ease the idea of dying. I also thought about not wanting to suffer or survive from getting shot. I didn’t want to live a life restricted and I definitely didn’t want to bleed for 45min on the street, waiting for help, and dying on my way to the hospital. I wanted it to be quick and done. I don’t think I asked my friend what was running through her mind that night. She was pretty hysterical – in a reasonable way. I mean, she thought she was going to die that night. She loves life and has a lot to live for… so she cried. I’m surprised at how calm I was. Not like I was ready to die but if it was supposed to be my last moment in this world… I didn’t want to be crying. How embarrassing. Oh my god, I’m so immature. Can’t even finish a thought without making a joke. I remember thinking if I had regrets. Apparently not. Just kept thinking about my brothers having to identify my body and assuming I was involved in something retarded that got me to this point. My mom whaling like an animal because she is so very dramatic. Like, yeah… she’s crying because I’m dead but more about how tragic it is for her – that this death happened to her.

Other than writing nonsense, I feel like I’m not tapping into my creative side enough. I’m not producing material that reflects me. I have this weird bottled up energy and nowhere to put it. I can’t help but think about Matthew McConaughey. Good segway, I know. He wrote a book recently – a condensed compilation of his diaries from many decades throughout his life. He’s promoting his book hardcore – you can tell by the sudden amount of interviews he’s doing. It’s an awkward time so he’s doing it all from home. You can almost see what days he decided to do certain interviews by the clothes and the location. I’m not a creep at all. My point is… he seems tied to his computer lately looking for instant gratification from the release of his book. As someone who pretends to be a decent writer, I can’t imagine the energy it required from MM to get this product out there. To have people love it, hate, judge the work you cherish so much. Could I ever do something like that?

It’s already the end of the year. I got my eyebrows did, lips did, asshole bleached, totally hairless from the mustache down. JK about the asshole. I feel comfortable to list some of the things I plan on doing in the future/hopefully near future. Buccal fat removal. About to go as blonde as possible – to my liking. Not like trampy, sugar baby, blonde. A respectable blonde. Nose job – has to be done in LA I think. Ugh. BBL in Houston. I don’t think I want anything else done. I know everyone and their moms/transitioning dads have had their boobs done but it was never a real goal of mine. I like small boobs. Not that mine are all that small but I like natural boobs. I’m just against foreign objects implanted into the body. It is so silly to me. That’s my opinion, so don’t be offended. It’s one thing to enhance what you have with cosmetic surgery but when plastics are involved – there’s something silly about it. Like please look at the plastic protuberance I just installed in my body. I trailed off. The work I want done sounds drastic but these are items I crossed off and wrote back in my physical to-do list for many years. Insecurities about my nose since middle school, flat ass since end of high school and early college. I am not doing it for attention, I’m doing to rebuild the confidence I once had. I grew up being told I was the better looking sister (still am) but as I got older and grew less concerned with my appearance and wanting attention, it’s hard to bounce back to a decent looking state. To my standards – not for anyone else. Sometimes we need to readjust to get back to where we left off. Yes I’m still talking about my appearance. Do you think Kim Kardashian looks this good by NOT getting work done. Oh, there’s tweaks, baby! Tiny tweaks needed to look and feel good again. That’s all. In a world were people want to stand out and feel different yet end up all doing the same things – I can say I don’t do that. I am one of the few that don’t have a tattoo, no belly or genital piercing, no boob job. The blonde thing is because I’ve kept my hair virgin for many, many years and wanted to try it out once. Then dying brown for that great ashy brown color that is so hard to achieve with naturally black hair. Finally, at some point, lasik. The fear of doing lasik and this post being called “Hindsight is 20/20” and going blind is like the cherry on top.

Going back to the whole “…not doing it for anyone else – only me”, and growing up regarded as the better looking sister. I think that was probably the foundation of my fixation on appearance. As the youngest and gosh darn cutest sibling, any time I met new people at school (including teachers) and parents’ friends – they all had to mention how cute I was. How I would grow up really pretty. That did not work out lol. I’m not a monster – I guess I’m average and maybe that’s my fault. I’ve been ignoring how much my appearance bothers me but why does it bother me? Am I not living up to my own standards or the standards that manifested within me rooting from opinions of other people. I recall the moment my parent’s friend commented on how the mole under my eye is my only flaw. The one mole on my face was a distraction and “bad luck”. My mom made calls and got my middle school ass in a sketchy spa to get it removed. It worked – only 90%. The bitch botched me and left me with about 5-10% of mole left on my face. I eventually got the rest removed but it left me a little botched still. Maybe I am not doing it for myself – perhaps I feel like I have to prove something. Either way, working with what I have hasn’t gotten me very far. I used to think “I will get all this work done and what happens when I am not as cute as I had hoped? Where does that put me on the scale? What is life if I don’t have the looks because I’m sure as hell not smart”. I still think this. At this point in my life, if I don’t do these things, these things WILL be my only regret in life. Not “wish I hiked that XYZ” or “missed out on swimming with sharks” but I think the tweaks are more than necessary if it means I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I know I don’t particularly like what I see when I look in the mirror. Maybe I can love the tweaked me and someone will love tweaked me enough to bankroll me. I need to feel good about myself again. Until these tweaks don’t work anymore… Then I’ll get some tattoos and a boob job and post pics with showing nips on purpose but acting like it was a mistake.

Country BUMPkin

I took great offense when Erik didn’t try to salvage whatever we had. I couldn’t figure out why I liked him so much at the time and I was honest when I told him whatever we had wasn’t fun anymore and I wanted to quit. In hindsight, I really wanted him to try harder to keep me so I could turn him down again. I’m a child. I don’t know why I do this. I’m terrible. I’m probably repeating a lot of what I mentioned 2 posts ago (which is in draft mode, I hate the way I worded some things) but I’ve still been feeling bad about what happened. Not so much guilt for what I did, (okay there’s a lot of guilt) but also more of a worthless feeling about myself. I may have resolved it!

If he was actually what he presented himself to be; someone refined, worldly, educated, and financially comfortable – his decision to settle for a country broad with 2 kids from a previous marriage to a ginger hick would make any reasonable person (aka me) feel inadequate. I think that is a fair reaction! Wouldn’t a sensible person settle for a young broad, with low self worth, that has room to be… impressionable, and mold-able be more appealing? Or whats more appealing: staying single, dating around, being a lothario. Am I so physically unattractive that I pushed a guy so far away he rather take on a country yellow bleach blonde lump and 2 burdens plus a hick ex-husband?!

So, yesterday I had a small procedure that has tied me to my bed for the next 2-3 days. Bored out of my mind, I decided to look at Erik’s Facebook. I look at his feature photo of him and her plus her kids. The photo was something you’d find as a meme for Florida, Nascar, Ultraconservatism, racism, and what happens when you don’t wear a condom. The lump was carrying a bump!

This is actually good news for me. Here’s why. I feel like Erik had to commit to something he wasn’t totally prepared for but this was one of his goals in life. To be a dad – so he’s pursuing that. I recall a conversation we had about children. I made the statement that I couldn’t focus at work because my boss brought in her kids and their cousins. 6-8 kids ages 3-10 were running around and screaming at the top of their lungs and I couldn’t even think. His response made me seem cold – as if I don’t like or want kids. He expressed he wanted many. Not only did this disgust me, it bothered me because it is so irresponsible to want “many kids” and not feel like you’re compromising the quality of parenting with each kid. Does that make sense? Especially without the financial backing to provide the best life. He mentioned his dad worked a lot, he traveled and didn’t spend enough time at home, and his mom basically sacrificed her life to be a stay-at-home mother. Why is that a life a reasonable thinking person wants to recreate? I find it so selfish! Yes, in an ideal world, I would have at least 2 kids, no trust issues with the father of those kids, and I wouldn’t being writing this dumbass post for this lousy attempt for a blog or whatever. That’s not how life works. While being a parent/mother is fulfilling, I can’t help but think about the missed opportunities these moms missed out on.

The point is: I feel some relief. Finally. Some justification for the actions that transpired during and after the ending of this nonsense I created. But I feel like dating is so scary. You really don’t know who the other person is no matter how much time you spend with that person – it could be a facade. Erik presented himself as someone who had his shit together. I think I wanted to like him so much because he physically looked the part for me, he wasn’t a dunce, seemed lost even at his age – I wanted to help him with that, and I really enjoyed his sense of humor. His humor showcased his outlook on life, his experiences, and his knowledge. He had some shortcomings but was a champ about it and he knew how to adjust accordingly! Erik lacked honesty, self awareness, and had an uncalibrated moral compass. I don’t usually feel this way often… Encountering someone with the right tools to succeed and do better, not use those tools to create something great but instead lead and recreate a life that only perpetuates the idea that the man can work and travel and the woman stays home to raise his kids and have food ready when he comes home. If or when he comes home.

No offense to anyone that has this lifestyle. I’m not actually super progressive but I believe in giving the woman a choice and chance to live her life too. Sometimes that means having children later in life… or not at all and adopting. Also, I could never raise a child in the world we live in now. I could not relive the struggle of being one of many kids – the lack of attention, food, and basic care. It’s not how I personally want to raise my kids. It may not seem like I want kids but I’ve conditioned myself to not expect… expecting. I refuse to want kids and reach a point in my life where it would be impossible or selfishly pressured to have kids.

At work, this guy I was in a meeting with asked me a lot of personal questions. I usually don’t mind because he was one of those types that didn’t grow up in a very diverse area. So any chance he has with a minority, it’s his time to ask questions. He asked a lot of the typical White guy questions but then the conversation trailed into family, kids, blending cultures and religion. Heavy stuff for a meeting about grease/protein removal at a commercial property. I mentioned I didn’t want kids. Mind you, this was days before my little procedure that wouldn’t necessarily determine but directly affect whether I could carry a child or not. That last sentence was stupid. But it would be my second cut. Meaning… I was mentally preparing myself for the worst so I was saying and thinking things that would make me less crazy for potentially bad news after my results. Jesus Christ, kimberly get to the point. This guy mentioned I should want kids and I should want many. I had been looking across a man who I thought was reasonable. Now he was saying things like “you should want many kids. I’m serious…”. I joked and said “oh, I get it. To cancel out all the dumdum people having kids” and he said “well, that too”. It was an interesting meeting. It was more like an interview, which I didn’t mind. I find that happens a lot when I am in meetings with just myself representing the company. Topic trails off into my personal life and people find me interesting for some reason. Asian spectacle?

Anyway, life goes on. It’s weird how a couple months pass and swift decision making changes the direction of our lives almost completely. For some, like me, not so much. To know what I know, I don’t know how Erik can manage what is going on and what is yet to come. Maybe my childish mind can’t wrap my head around the idea because I’m still in a selfish phase and I rather live for myself right now. I want to close the subject about Erik with the guilt I have. Guilt that has been building up for some months. For a while I knew he had been struggling financially but it wasn’t until after I ended things is when I was sure if it. I had my suspicions during our time together but he seemed so confident about it all. I’m feeling some sort of sadness that’s hard to sum up in one word. He put up a front to keep me around. Whether his intent to keep me long term or short, it doesn’t matter. I never want a guy to pretend to be someone he isn’t to be involved with me. He had been looking at apartments and settled for one that was a new development but not necessarily upscale. It didn’t bother me but I acknowledged that because it was an indicator of how much he could/was willing to spend on living. Look, I would’ve continued seeing him if he decided on living somewhere like… energy corridor, ok? Damnit, even if he settled on Spring. As long as the chemistry and sex was still strong. I’ve done a lot of dating in my life. Not to brag. It’s sad really lol. But with my experience, I typically know what I’m working with. Most of them cheap with food but splurging on their living and travel situation hard. Why not? 30-something, single, smart, financially comfortable, handsome types that also pay attention to designer/trendy must-haves. So when Erik decided on this particular place, I suppose that was one sign. One of a few that I ignored for the sake of not trying to pry or look for reasons to kibosh. Neither here nor there, that doesn’t mean the place was cheap, either. Erik was behind on property taxes every year. I felt partially responsible this year. Had he not felt pressured to rent a place because of me (he had been booking hotels for us and this was getting expensive) maybe he would have 15-18k set aside for his new country bumpkin baby on the way and pay those property taxes on time. Sending a gift is weird and creepy but I feel like I owe him. The guilt I have for all his efforts in the beginning of our… entanglement (that’s cool to say right now, right?) which seemed genuine. Me avoiding spending time with him on his birthday because I didn’t want whatever we had going on to mean more than what it was at the time. He spent that time alone at a resort hotel. I’m a jerk in many ways but he wasn’t honest anyway.

There is a memory that comes up often when I do think about my time with Erik. He made me watch “Dont F*ck With Cats” on Netflix KNOWING IT WOULD MAKE ME CRY. He asked me something along the lines of ever googling someone or wondering if I/myself would be so google-able? God, does that make sense? I went to Alief, forgive me. I wanted to tell him I googled him before and I tell him what I knew about him but instead I told him I wouldn’t be so track-able online because I’m not a total dolt. At the point, I knew a lot. I can’t tell if I would’ve treated him differently knowing what I knew about him. If I had not known it was his birthday when he invited me to go somewhere with him… I may have agreed to see him. Knowing it was his birthday weighed heavy on me because I didn’t want to ruin his future birthdays… knowing I would disappoint him at some point anyway. I’m rambling at this point.

In the financial position I’m in, I’m grateful I can spoil myself and 2 cats. I’m almost 30. That may sound old, they may sound young. I can continue to be selfish, that isn’t wrong. I will fix my face. I will fix my body. 2021, new me – physically lol. I’ll do what makes me happy. If I can find someone that can appreciate that, that would be nice. Meanwhile, I’m sure as hell not settling. I will not be tied down and live a life that is apparently miserable for at least one person in the relationship. That seems to be the trend with all relationships lately. Maybe this will be the reason why I end up alone but if I drink enough I’ll never be alone in my head. Dave Attell, anyone?

Limbo Kimbo

It’s not normal how shallow I can be.
Having said that, it’s confusing how oblivious others can be.
Let’s call this guy Erik.
Erik was someone I met in early 2017.  After having ended another short term relationship with a guy much older than me (some guy in law school who was also bar-tending full time – I felt he was too immature and not man enough), I went on a dating app and matched with Erik.  I agreed to meet him at Edison.  I guess at some point I googled him.  I thought I was finally dealing with a mature guy.  I learned he was some upper management at an oil and gas company my friend was working at, let’s call my friend Brad.  I had actually been on one or two dates with Brad.  Brad was the first guy I had gone on dates with that was my age.  Clearly it didn’t work with Brad, I felt like I was in high school when I was with him.  I’ve always been attracted to older guys.  Not significantly older but old enough to acknowledge I was at a different stage in life – much different than other dumb broads my age were at and this always made relationships difficult. Difficult because older guys seeking younger broads are immature but also under the impression they can get away with more but not with me. I have always been older than my age in many ways. I didn’t have the patience and they didn’t respect my time.  Or vise versa.

Anyway, back to Erik.  I felt like I wasn’t on a date but at a job interview.  He was older looking in person but more handsome – that was distracting.  He was almost the epitome of what I was looking for physically.  Tall, dark full thick hair, can grow a good beard, good build/masculine, good voice, good hands, good face.  I could go on and on about the traits that ultimately don’t matter at all.  I recall feeling small.  As in… dimwitted, ill-mannered, and brash with nothing valuable to share.  I told myself “you got here, it doesn’t have to go anywhere, make the best of it, you’ll never see this guy again” so I decided to just let go and be myself.  I felt like he was out of my league.  He had done so much and seen so much, what could I say that would keep his interest?  Nothing.  I didn’t care, I just wanted to get this job interview over.  He walked me to my car, I put out my hand to give him a business handshake, and he pulled me in for a kiss.  Which was a shock because he seemed so disinterested anytime I talked.  Anyway, it’s not until recently I learned that’s just his regular face.  If you asked him about it, he would blame it on being INTJ I guess.  We continued to text and he had suggested some bar meet at some point.  I felt like a child talking to an adult.  If you can’t pick up the general theme of my posts, I have extremely low self worth.  I wanted him to like me so badly, I thought he was a gem, I had been dating loser after loser after potential serial killer after loser.  When it came time to the day he suggested to meet again… he had some excuse about not having a car or needing to pick up another car and something about his knee/leg injury.  It offended me so badly that he couldn’t tell me beforehand or even suggest another day to meet.  I gave him a sassy text and deleted the entire convo and his contact.  I felt like a zero.  I was so attracted to who I thought he was and to have him reject me filled me with rage and sadness for a couple months.  At that point in my life, I had quit my job that overworked me and didn’t value me.  I was too prideful when they asked me to come back for double the pay.  I didn’t want to work with the same board members that questioned my worth.  Double the pay just wasn’t enough.  I was rejected by a guy who I thought was kinda perfect, I was unemployed, I was living at home.  It felt like I took steps backwards and ended up where I was when I had just graduated college.

Fast forward to late 2018/early 2019, I had been breadcrumbing a Serbian guy for many, many months.  You can read about that in previous posts if I kept them up but I’ll include a summed up version.  Pretty rotten of me but he always had open arms when I needed affection.  Before Serby, I was in a serious relationship with a guy I cared a lot for but was unsure about committing to because we had such different backgrounds.  He was too Southeast?/Pearland/League City and I was too city girl/Southwest/Alief.  That relationship taught me so much about myself, others, and life.  I wasn’t ready to be in another serious thing.  Even if it was meaningless with Serb, I needed to feel adored.  Something that was strongly missing in the serious relationship. I believe Serby genuinely adored me.  I appreciated that but I still didn’t like him.  I wanted to really like him but the physical stuff just wasn’t there for me. We had a lot of the same interests but I wasn’t attracted enough to want to stick around. His accent, commentary during movies, and juuling was all too much for me.  I was dating other guys while still seeing the Serbian.  I wasn’t hiding it but I also wasn’t sharing it either.  Why would I? Too awkward when he treated me so nicely.  This sounds bad but I had dated a lot of guys and I don’t remember what or who made me feel worthless but I was in another small pit.  Work was good, I had changed up jobs and was working longer hours that kept me out of trouble.  However the hours I had to myself, I was drowning in silence and boredom.  I don’t have too many hobbies or friends that share my interests.  I’m too much like a guy sometimes and the guy friends I end up meeting only want to fuck me. The realization I was only getting older, finding myself more lonely, I knew the Serbian was there for me.  Who was I to judge his appearance when I am not all that striking to begin with?  He was actually handsome just not my type.  Height was a deal breaker though.  I was asking for too much when I should have been grateful someone liked me for who I was.  I didn’t have to filter anything about myself.  Long story short, that ended. Badly.  And very immaturely – for both people.  Technically three people.

I met a guy named Jordan who seemed promising.  He was closer to my age.  He was very cute in a Ryan Philippe kind of way.  Not usually my type but I wasn’t in the position to be picky.  He was very superficial and I liked it.  Was in grad school, business program at Rice.  I felt like I met my match in some ways yet at the same time, I wasn’t interested in a relationship in general.  I felt like he was a good replacement for the Serbian.  Jordan asked me out a few times and I cared more about work than seeing him.  I was staying out of trouble but also didn’t care for his method of asking me out.  It was almost always last minute, like the day of.  It came off desperate and as if I was his last resort so I couldn’t allow myself to let him get away with that.  He might argue he is more spontaneous and doesn’t like to plan things.  Which is fair but I need a heads up.  Like 2-3 days lol.  I kept it cordial but made it clear I’m not that down for whatever whenever type of bitch. One of my close friends was getting married end of July and she asked me if I was bringing a date.  Specifically, she laughed and asked me who the next hottie I was gonna bring around.  To be honest, it made me feel like a sleaze, but I was also stupidly flattered.  I asked Jordan to be my plus one and he accepted.  He asked me all the right questions.  He made me feel good and confident.  He texted me late one night to come over and I got offended.  I thought I made it clear I wasn’t that type.  How could he get me so wrong?  I declined nicely and figured he wasn’t the petty type.  After all, he’s supposed to be a man right?  Do men act petty?  Apparently some do!  The time came for my friend’s wedding and I decided to remind him a few days before.  He asked me the time and then nothing.  I didn’t bother following up with other details.  I knew what was going on.  I gave him the chance to communicate until the day of the wedding (specifically, early that morning) I blocked him from my contacts and social media.  It was disrespectful to do what he did.

In the midst of the Jordan shit, I guess I had a drunk evening out with friends the night before my friend’s wedding and DMed Erik – who I noticed was following and watching my stories on Instagram for a while.  I didn’t care and didn’t have any intent to do anything… until I got desperate.  I discovered his account when I noticed his handle kept popping up anytime I looked at my viewers list. He didn’t have any actual pics of his face posted but I watched a video post and realized it was THE Erik that ghosted me during the big pit of my life in 2017.  I think I sent “sup” around 11pm and I got a response early next day.  We agreed to meet up after the wedding.  It was understood we only wanted one thing from each other.  Except it didn’t work out that night.  He passed out early and I didn’t leave the wedding until 1130pm.  I had already planned for a bunch with my friend Stephanie the next day and work after.  While at work, Erik wanted to spontaneously meet up and I agreed.  He booked a room at Hotel Granduca and it was great time.  It felt like two old friends that barely knew each other… catching up.  Except when I deleted his contact from my phone/life in 2017, that date and all those details about him went with it.  I couldn’t remember basic things about him.  Except one conversation when he told me he was out to meet up a friend for drinks and invited me but I declined.  He told me later that night his truck had gotten keyed or scratched.  He asked me if I did it and I laughed and said no.  He said it seemed like a crazy bitch thing to do, that’s why he asked me.  The whole thing was so new, I didn’t know how to react to that.  Naturally, if it were someone I knew for a while I would’ve taken it as a joke and banter back but after 2 weeks of chatting and calling me a crazy bitch seemed… strong.  I let it go at the time because I liked him.  Sitting up in the hotel bed with him, this is the only conversation I could think of.  He was rewinding John Wick 3 and trying to grasp the plot bc we kept missing it during the multiple rounds of sex and I was in my thoughts about what was going on.  I finally had sex with the guy I liked so much and it was great. But why?  I barely knew him.  And the only thing I had on him was when he indirectly called me a crazy bitch and not committing to that second date.  I asked him what type of movies he liked and he mentioned he liked rom-coms.  That surprised me bc that’s a genre of movies I dislike.  I remember looking at him when he said that and didn’t know if I could believe it – if he was even capable of being romantic.

I was in the middle of another pit in my life when Erik decided I was finally worth his time.  All my friends were either getting engaged, having weddings, or giving birth.  Reaching milestones and I was having kidney stones.  Just kidding, I just wanted to say that.  I was busy being self absorbed, finding excuses to ruin potentially good relationships bc I have trust issues, and not bettering myself in any way.  Erik had just moved back to Houston after having spent a year or so in Miami working some engineer position at a theme park.  I never wanted to ask too much about his life.  Didn’t want to seem nosy or wanted whatever we had to evolve to anything more than it was.  I wasn’t ready, I had my own issues, I didn’t feel like I deserved knowing.  He was giving me attention and the affection I wanted.  I just wished it was at a time in my life I felt better about myself.  I didn’t want to find myself bending over backwards for someone, changing who I am, to maintain a relationship that wasn’t honest.  So I continued to plan my life without him.  Meaning, if he wanted to see me, I wouldn’t be so available.  If he wanted to do something with me, I’m not available.  He even asked for work dates a couple times, which was so cute and totally doable, but I lied and said I couldn’t.  I wasn’t going to change up my schedule for him until I was more confident and he opened himself to me without me trying to dig.  He tried, I suppose.  He wanted to see me but I was busy.  I went to San Fran and he asked to meet with me and I declined even though it would’ve made me so happy.  Little break from my cousins and some exploring of a new city with a new guy.  But I was stern about not being available for guys just bc they’re handsome and I liked them.  He asked to pick me up from the airport, I declined.  He planned for something to do together once I came back and I dodged the idea.  It was up in the air and I kept it that way.  He even said he felt a certain way about me rejecting him.  I had to reassure him that I was still interested but just busy.  If you know me, I do a good job of googling a person.  A really good job.  I knew it was going to be his birthday around the same time I came back to Houston.  He was planning for something to do together.  I didn’t want to be involved.  I didn’t want the pressure – knowing it was his birthday and things were so new… liking him so much.  I didn’t feel like I was good enough.  I kept him hanging until the day we had tentatively agreed to meet up.  I purposely worked longer that Friday as an excuse to not meet up.  He was great about it considering he had something planned and it was his birthday but clearly unhappy and disappointed that I didn’t make an effort to see him.  He was texting differently.  I didn’t want to care, maybe I was still upset by the way he treated me the first time.  I made plans with friends that weekend and he spent his bday weekend alone at some hotel near/in Galveston.  I wanted to be with him badly but again, I did not like the pressure of knowing it was his bday and he wanted to spend it with me.

He came back to Houston and made passive aggressive conversation to make me feel guilty I guess.  He never told me it was his bday so I really did feel guilty anyway but when he finally told me I had to pretend like I didn’t know.  I felt like a fraud.  I can’t remember what sparked the light argument we had but he said something along the lines of “it shouldn’t have mattered, if you wanted to see me you would’ve. You didn’t want to”.  He doesn’t understand how complicated I am.  I wanted to be with him but it was too serious for me.  Even if he somehow loved me, he still wouldn’t understand me and how I process things.  He’s not the type to understand.  I’m too deep in my feelings and he doesn’t even acknowledge his own.  This was what we did for months until end of January.  He had to deal with my inconsistencies and I was still trying to figure out why I liked him so much.  There were times we’d hang out and I’d come back home either feeling certain it was over or I felt like I was in limbo.  I didn’t dislike him but I didn’t find myself giddy to be with him.  Yet I couldn’t let go of the idea of him not being mine.  I was possessive over a guy I wasn’t even obsessed with.

I thought I could keep him interested as long as I wanted.  I thought I had a good sense of his taste and preferences in women.  I didn’t think he had any prospects or at least good prospects that would threaten my thing with him.  I thought I had time and he could wait for me when I was ready.  I shouldn’t have assumed that and I can’t expect people to wait for me.  Especially when there’s a 9-yr age gap.  I had some idea of what he liked, according to his IG following list.  The common thing were these young girls desperate for attn / IG model types but unremarkable in real life.  Then a different following for raunchy, ass n tits in the air types that clearly had inconsistent father figures in their lives.  Ugh, don’t we all?  This didn’t bother me. He didn’t seem to follow any Asians which made me feel weird.  I guess it’s better than him having an asian fetish and following a shitton of asian girls. That would turn me off 100000%. Anyway, the types he seemed to like were blonde and trashy.  I figured it was a common thing most men like.

Which brings me to the point, he’s officially in a relationship.  Just two months after we stopped talking.  Doesn’t make sense.  It means he was already talking to her when he was tangled in my bullshit I weaved.  I don’t want to hate that lady.  I say lady bc she’s older than me.  She has two kids, recently divorced but could still be legally married, not even cute.  Which is so confusing.  That’s mean of me but it seriously offends me, makes me question my looks, makes me question what he found attractive in me, makes me wanna puke.  But it’s also a relief.  If she was actually really attractive, smarter, and more successful than me, I would be miserable.  That’s something guys wouldn’t understand but females get this.  Considering her background and his background, they would make a better couple.  I was somewhat happy for him and even for her.  I know how tough it is for females in general, especially her age AND she has kids.  It surprises me Erik would be interested in that.  It seems like a big load to suddenly take on.  I couldn’t help but look into her fb and noticed she’s related to Erik’s cousin’s wife or something.  That’s cute I suppose.  She had tons of albums that showcased different stages of her life.  If she was a bright person, she would hide or delete some of those moments.  She still had pictures of her first engagement (low class type of guy), second engagement/marriage she had kids with (who is a ginger country bumpkin), and then now Erik?  Does he realize this makes him look bad??  It seemed all too… Hillbilly-esque.  I can’t help but look at her family and see extended cast of Roseanne.  THIS is what bothers me.  Erik didn’t want to try anymore with me. Which is fair, I didn’t make it easy for him or make him feel valuable.  I didn’t respect his time or his efforts, especially in the beginning.  But to be involved with a mom that comes off unrefined, unaware, and generally underdressed for all occasions screams low self worth.  Erik had signs of it that I didn’t want to acknowledge because I didn’t want to feel like I was involved with an older version of the Peter Pan Symptom types I was so used to dating.  I’ll never do that again. I’ll never deny the signs just to avoid the truth for the sake of pretending like everything is great.  Erik was cynical, relentlessly sarcastic, and had a defeated energy you could feel an arms length away.  I always wanted him to feel comfortable enough to confide in me without me trying to pry it out.  There were clearly things in his life he carried on his back that weighed him down.  There was something he wasn’t saying but who was I to expect him to confide in me, to try and figure it out or help him, when I was rejecting all his efforts.  I wanted to connect with him so badly but maybe I should’ve been the first one to open up.  He doesn’t even know 1/10 of who I am.  He may think I’m some entitled, superficial, uninformed, pseudo-smart millennial.  I’m all that and much more!!  I hate that he’ll never know and I wasted all that time being unclear about my feelings for him. I mean, I still don’t understand my feelings for him. I don’t necessarily see myself with him for many years but I thought we’d share quality time in different ways. Does that make sense?

I am frustrated he doesn’t know me.  I am offended he doesn’t know his own worth and settling for someone who would TOTALLY cheat on him with a dark dude and monster dong.  She seriously seems like that type that would have a side thing with a co-worker.  She also seems like a vet at buttstuff.  Judging from past convos, I’m sure they’re deviants in the sex realm and this is probably what their relationship is based on.  I’m not sensing very cerebral, meaningful, cultural, or erudite convos with this broad.  I’m not trying to be mean but considering her photos and her poor taste in men, she seems like that mom that also wants to drink with her daughters and flirt with their male friends. 

I’m disappointed he doesn’t see that working a little harder on himself could open doors to a better way of living and better class of women.  I mean, that excludes me but I would like to see him with someone better than me.  It would hurt me, the realization that I was passed for someone better but at least she would be better looking, highly educated, good family background, etc.  Seeing a guy with so much potential settle for someone who has no potential feels like a loss in many ways.

He always seemed a bit self conscious about his age.  Not sure if our age difference made him feel that way.  I always tried to make him feel like age didn’t matter.  But in some cases, how could it not matter?  9 years is a lot.  That’s how long my father was in prison/concentration camp when the war ended.  That’s a whole decade gone.  Erik once mentioned he had no faith in humanity, I wanted him to be more optimistic about ppl and life and be less cynical.  I wanted the opportunity to challenge him to be a better version of himself.  I sensed a highly intelligent but defeated (for whatever reason) person under his beard.  I felt like he was hiding behind that beard of his.  Hiding from adulthood and I suppose hiding a double chin.  I was happy he had hobbies in his life to keep his mind occupied.  I am so unimpressed with the person he decided was good enough to make the relationship official with on fb.  Maybe I think too highly of him? Maybe I’m totally wrong about his potential?  Perhaps this is who he is and I should accept this as the truth?  The fact that I’m offended, am I trying to justify the feelings I had for him by painting him as someone better on paper but not in real life because I’m embarrassed by his recent choices?  Am I too serious and particular about who should be classified as a significant other? 

I thought a gf/bf was support but also a reflection of what you value in others and what they can teach you.  I just sensed he is a bit lost in life. Like most of us.  I know I care too much about how others think of me but this means I have standards and I know how to be embarrassed.  I know he had insecurities and being close to 40 probably made him stressed in unnecessary ways.  I hope this lady challenges and motivates him in a good way.  I can’t help but feel he is settling for someone simple to live an easier, less complicated/competitive life, that doesn’t require him to work any harder than he does now.  I don’t wanna be all asian but it makes me think about the stresses of being a parent.  At least, being an asian parent.  Having certain expectations for your kids, knowing their potential, and letting them dissolve that potential has to hurt to witness.  I think too much.  All he needed was the energy to force him in situations to do better, thrive in those challenging environments, and BE better.  He had this general mood as if “this is my life, I’m done”.  I guess he lived up his 20s traveling, worked hard in his 30s, and he wants to plateau in his 40s.  I could be totally wrong and he’s not who I think he should be.  He could be already living as the person he’s supposed to be, genuinely happy, and I’m fucking dramatic as shit.  But sober.

Peter Pan Syndrome

I always thought I would get married and have kids by a certain age.  I am realizing, considering the pace I’m going and the way my generation is behaving, I most likely won’t have any of that.  As depressing as that may sound, I know it can’t be that bad to be single for the rest of my life.  I still have lots of growing up to do, understanding people (myself included), exploring life outside Houston/Texas, AND there’s always good friends, hobbies, and cats!  It seems to me women are easier and men are more inconsistent than ever.  How do I condition myself to want something different?

Peter Pan syndrome is real.  I’m tired of being disappointed by men; Should I say boys?  Of course not all men.  The last guy I decided to stop seeing was and has been very good towards me.  I just wasn’t super attracted to him and I didn’t want to learn to like/love someone.  I guess I could name a handful of very decent guys, which still gives me some hope.  The ones I always seem to be attracted to are the most inconsistent males ever and their actions make me think or feel like a zilch.

Someone who started following me years ago on Instagram did nothing to make me want to follow him back.  I think it was one mega slow, boring day at work sometime in 2016 when I noticed he liked one of my pics.  I actually acknowledged his likes before but didn’t care enough to check out his account until that particular day.  He was surprisingly attractive in a Tom Cruise mixed with Patrick Bateman/American Psycho kind of way.  I decided to follow back.  Neither of us did shit except like each other’s posts until he decided to take a serious interest in me in March of this year.  Hah, it was actually 1 week or so after my breakup with the ex.  I thought this was a sign.  That’s the asian/Buddhist in me – tryna find a (mis)fortune, karma, or symbolic reason for everything.  He asked me out and I agreed to meet him for drinks.  I honestly put zero effort in appearance because… 1 – I assumed he was going to be 5’10; 2 – I assumed he was probably better looking in pictures than in real life; 3 – I wasn’t looking for anything but time to get away from work and home so I wasn’t consumed of negative thoughts about my breakup.  Anyway, I was wrong about my assumptions and we spent a significant amount of time together.  We met at 7pm on a Monday night; Mostly talking, drinking, and making out at multiple places around downtown until 2:30am.  I remember thinking “I like this guy too much and I don’t feel bad about it”.  He was talking at me and all I could think about was how much I was ready to settle for something I wasn’t even happy in just 1-2 weeks ago when someone who I had better conversations and more things in common with had been following me for years.  I also remember thinking “he’s awfully open and talking a lot about personal stuff, he can’t be looking for something casual, he’s not a fuckboy”.  Well boy was I wrong.

He kept suggesting we go to his place since it was getting late (should that have been a sign?) and I said I couldn’t do that so soon considering I had just gotten out of a relationship and it was our first meet.  He was respectful and we just continued to make out but I guess I brought up the idea of seeing him again.  I mean, I thought that wasn’t too far-fetched from reality.  The amount of making out and talking we did would make even the random hobo who asked us for change assume there’d be a second meet.  He said something along the lines of “we should do a proper date; dinner, drinks, and something” and I agreed.  The amount of making out was kind of ridiculous.  We agreed to see each other in a week because he was going to San Diego or whatever.  He texts me next day in the morning, I try my best to text back (I wasn’t too speedy with my responses because I was working) and then he was dead by 2pm.  I assumed he was consumed by is travel plans and work so I didn’t try to reach out again.  He decided to do the same.  Until a month later he decides to comment on my IG stories.  I never responded.  He commented as if he didn’t owe me any explanation on zero communication for a month.  I understand he doesn’t really owe me anything but he can’t expect me to not be offended by what he did then just be so willingly to communicate again.

Some Peter Pan signs that I should’ve regarded:  35 years old.  I asked him when his last serious relationship was and he said 4 years ago.  Meaning, the last 4 years he’s just been dicking around.  He had just bought a condo; 1 bedroom.  That’s pretty clear he likes his single life and not looking to share space with someone else.  He had a dog for a long time but ended up having his mother take care of it.  That kind of screams “I suddenly don’t have time or energy for this dog I’ve had for many years and I’m giving up”.  Doesn’t that say a lot about how he would be in a long term relationship?  Lol am I being too asian?  He expressed his goals were to find someone to marry and have kids but his actions, not the ones involving me (or lack of actions), seemed to point opposite direction.  Judging from his social life, how he lives minus the social life, and the people he considers as friends, he is certainly Peter Pan-ing.

Another guy I decided to meet about a month ago from a dating app was someone I had actually matched with before.  When I was still in college!  It was during finals, my last semester.  He obviously did not remember which is fine because I didn’t want to explain my past.  I was surprised to see this guy because I remember thinking he was too handsome to be single but he must be an elite lothario, lol.  That’s how I even remember the guy.  So we met and we did stuff.  I think it was clear there was no sparks.  Next day, after I left his place I realized I never thanked him for the drinks and I could’ve just not cared and gone silent but I hated the idea of someone thinking I was ungrateful, ill-mannered, and so entitled or something.  I thanked him via text and mentioned how someone noticed my pink Chanel boots.  I was genuinely really happy about that bc that was a tough elevator ride.  I looked like upper middle class whore but that elevator lady was so incredibly kind for making me feel less ashamed.  Oh, back to the point.  He said something like I’m welcome to more awkward walks of shame – or something!  It wasn’t something offensive, I mean it could’ve been to most ppl lol but I wasn’t bothered.  Even that, as casual as we set the tone of our connection, he never suggested another time to see me.  Which fucken confuses me because I thought we had decent conversations and I was a decent broad.  I was fully engaged and kept the subjects flowing without getting too deep – no matter how bothered I was by my pimple and how I had very low energy.  I was keeping it real, not fronting but also nothing too obnoxious.  I even drove in my mothers old ass Lexus because my dumbass keeps locking my steering wheel somehow.  Btw, I learned how to unlock it quickly… kind of.

He made zero effort after that night and gave me zero signs of interest.  I was impatient and other prospects were forming a line so I decided he wasn’t going to do anything else with me.  Last weekend, I post some dumb video on my IG story and he finally decides to show some interest.  I could’ve been offended but I wasn’t.  We agreed to meet before his trip to Turkey and he cancels on me the day of our meet.  Clearly I didn’t want anything but to hook up and kind of make up for how uncomfortable I was during… stuff but apparently he just didn’t care enough to even do that with me.  Why even agree to see me if he knew he didn’t want to?!  Why even reach out to me?!!  I remember asking him his goal in relationships when we first met – which is maybe odd to ask.  He responded, not verbatim “someone who I can have fun with…” then my mind just decided to forget everything else he said lol.  I don’t know what that really means.  I feel like he’s inconsistent, flaky, and keeps things ambiguous because maybe he’s talking to multiple broads.

I honestly didn’t think too much about it until yesterday… when I realized the only guys I’ve been talking to lately have been 35-36.  I’m 27, that’s almost a decade difference in age, why would these older guys be interested in me and how young are they willing to date?  What does that say about them and what they’re looking for?  Do men ever get to a point and think “meeting someone with substance would be nice bc dying alone sucks” or do they mentally prepare and look forward to that?  Men don’t seem to work that hard on getting what they want from a girl because we make it so easy for them.  So they don’t have to commit to anything.  I feel like a complete dunce at the end of the night or next day considering some of my actions lately.  Why don’t I know when to properly end the night after 1-2 hours?  What respect do I have for myself letting it drag on for 5-6 hours or the entire night until next day?  Why do I set myself up, set high expectations for people, and allow myself to get disappointed?  I know some female friends that go through the same inconsistencies and/or more complicated situations with guys.  It’s not just me.

I can’t remember a guy basically turning me down.  This is twice now and it’s really upsetting/disappointing.  It’s really got me feeling like a zilch and I know I shouldn’t take it so personally if I’m so firm on the idea of every single man out there having Peter Pan Syndrome.  I can’t be the only one experiencing this.  I’m so down and out about myself I almost considered reaching out to the crazy exbf who probably would’ve beat me and/or eventually killed me lol.  But that’s how much he liked me!  Passion, that’s my point.  And he was consistent!  Joking.

This post is so sloppy, sorry.

I will admit, I do miss the texts and calls from the last relationship.  I don’t necessarily miss the relationship – just the idea of someone concerned or wanting to talk and being available.  During my cardio session today, I thought about how some females could rely on their exes if they ever needed help.  I don’t even think I could consider asking the last exbf.  I don’t know if he really cared for me the way I cared about him.  Even though I wasn’t happy or seriously liked him, I genuinely enjoyed taking care of someone.  I miss that as an option.  Ppl tell me I’m young and there’s time but I’m being realistic about my future and the likelihood of me actually getting what I want.  Meeting someone that you could spend the majority of your life with and raising kids together is probably some of the best things to experience but it doesn’t happen to everyone.

New Guy

He seems to really like me and it makes me so heavy with guilt.  I wasn’t thinking this would escalate to anything.  I’m not ready for anything serious and I hope his interest in me dies down.  I wanna barf about it.  I can’t complain about anything, there’s nothing wrong with him.  I just wished he never expressed how much he likes me.  I seriously can’t breathe.  He will be gone for a week, celebrating his birthday in Hawaii, and he wants to see me again when he’s back.  Ughhhh.  That’s all he talked about towards the end of our last meet.  I think he kind of gets the idea I’m hesitant about dates because my facial expressions are very …exaggerated lol.  Ooh, I’m gonna suggest North Italia and maybe that Deadpool movie.  Except, when I think of the possibilities of romance and couple-y stuff… it literally makes me sick.

Side Note:
Whenever I’ve come into work after the fat white bitch, I ALWAYS make the effort to say hello.  Never in a way that is too forced, always as genuine as possible.  Today, she came in after me and said NOTHING.  Rude.  I get saying hello every morning gets tiring or annoying but she shows zero signs of liking me.  Whatever.  She’s not worth it.

Since I’ve been single, a lot of the same guys have been bothering me and it’s reminding me I need new people in my life.  Perhaps a good purge/blocking from social media.  Some of these guys have too much to say about my last relationship as if they were part of it.  They want to judge ME for the way I pick mates, obviously upset that I didn’t pick them and trying to make me feel like I missed out on something.  (I definitely did not miss out.)  They want to judge my last boyfriend when they don’t know anything about him.  It’s just flat out rude and pathetic.  I didn’t pick you, get over it.  Don’t be mean and talk shit.  It’s so unattractive… to take MY relationship, break it down, trying to make it seem worthless.  If that’s how they react to my break-up, they have a terrible way of dealing with rejection and saying whatever they can to make themselves sane.  This makes me hate “men” that don’t act like men.

Back to new guy.  He honestly is so sweet.  I don’t think he has any selfish/secretly bad intentions.  His accent is very cute.  Endearing now but I’m afraid it’ll be one of those things that turn into something extremely annoying.  I want to be open-minded and give people honest chances.  If he impresses me next time I see him then I might be more open to idea of doing couple shit.  He already wants to see me every weekend and asked me to stay with him over each weekend.  (How stupid sounding was that sentence?)  It gives me goosebumps just thinking about the idea.  I just got out of something like that, why would I get myself back into that with someone else?  Hell no.

Commercial Real Estate | Networking

2 weeks ago, I went to a real estate networking/workshop thing.  It was interesting.  I looked kind of sloppy.  I would’ve put more effort into my appearance, had I known, hm… should’ve known.  I dress a little down for work; no make up, neutral colors, and hair undone to avoid sexual harassment.  Which works!  When I first started, I made an effort to look decent but I noticed it would draw too much attention so I toned everything down.  Wardrobe can’t be too feminine, attitude is salty, and apparently I look sick or really tired without a little bit of makeup.  After adjusting all that, suddenly the comments stopped.  I don’t miss it, I don’t like attention, especially that way.  Anyway, everyone at the meeting knew each other and were a lot older than me.  I sat down to connect to internet so I could follow the workshop – it was also a workshop for some commercial information and marketing service.  The worst person there (I always point that person out in my head) was a yappy, wasp-y, 30-something female that was holding up the lunch line.  She had to announce to everyone she had trouble shoveling a mountain of sour cream onto her plate.  She’s that bitch at the checkout counter that makes long short-convos and theres a line of people just waiting and forced to have to listen to the shitty convo.  Are these people aware they are attn whores?  It’s kind of subtle but when you break it down… it’s attention seeking behavior.  There’s things people do that does not require extra action/comments.  For example, someone who is honestly busy is at their desk actually working trying to get as many tasks done while someone who is not busy will announce it multiple times a day.  Another example is when someone has to announce what they’re doing.  Let’s say sweeping.  They will do it and announce to the people nearby they’re sweeping.  I can’t help but think about animals when they make a noise to announce they’re around or alive.  I mean, babies do it.  When babies are born, they come out crying – declaring their health and shit.  A quiet baby is a concern.  Omg, where the fuck is this going.

Okay, attn girl insisted on helping me with the sour cream, which was nice, but honestly I wasn’t interested in her making small talk with me.  She was there with some chump – they work together, she kept hitting him in the arm because she obviously likes the guy.  He didn’t seem to show any signs of interest.  Like at all.  He had my exbf’s name.  It annoyed me.  My phone prompted me to login to a wifi and then I saw that name again – who keeps their hotspot thing on??

An older lady that shared the elevator ride with me to the meeting decided to sit near me and make small talk.  It was nice, I didn’t mind it.  She was very motherly.  She gave me napkins, offered to get me a drink, gave me mints, gave me paper to write notes on.  She was a gem.  I felt like a fraud there because I don’t have my license yet and everyone was talking about deals.  We all had to introduce ourselves and I was really out of place but no one made a big deal about it.  I mean, who would?  The attn girl and almost everyone else didn’t know how to log on to the wifi.  So that was 10m of time wasted.  It’s shit like that, that gets me.  How do these people function?  Who is putting their clothes on for them?  I noticed one of the younger dudes taking notes vigorously and I almost lol’d.  He didn’t look up too often, too busy jotting down every word the instructor was saying.  It was a visual thing!  Something you watch to learn.  You look at where to navigate and observe the interface… what the fuck is there to write?!  I looked at his notes and it was retarded.  Again, how do these people function in life?  My notes?  I dated my paper and wrote the instructor’s name and contact down.  That was it.  If you asked me how to pull a report, I’m not fucking referring to my notes.  Strange how some people learn.


New Me, New B(itch)

I’m excited for my new endeavors!

Conversations are pretty good with the guy I met last Monday.  I’m not taking it seriously at all but I realized a few days ago I will need someone to use.  Is that too real for me to mention on a public blog?  It’s the truth.  He’s an excuse to go out, have a light meal with, some drinks, some fun, and that’s just it.  I’m sure he’s not looking for anything more than that.  So we’re on the same page.  I’m gonna see him again Tuesday.  It feels like it’s been a long time feeling this happy and excited!  Ok, I wanna say I’m excited one more time.  Smiling from ear to ear.

I MISS DAY DRINKING SO MUCH.  Sometimes, it would go overboard.  I remember some days I’d drink for 10-12hrs which is a “waste” of a Saturday/Sunday but I was in my mid-20s.  Plus, I’m 27 still so I’m going to fucking live my life.  If I end up as a spinster, that’s fine, I’ve been prepared for that lol.

I am desperate for new friends.  I like my current friends but they’re all dudes.  Like, all of them.  Then the gal pals I have either are in relationships, too far, or just aren’t into the same things I am.  I believe the friendships we make in high school are the friendships we make for life.  Was that queer to say?  Unfortunately, I had a lot of guy friends that are in a relationship, getting married, etc so I’m that female friend their mates don’t like.

I’m excited about pilates, I just haven’t really decided on what studio to commit to.

Thursday, I have this networking/real estate marketing thing to attend during lunch so I’m pretty excited about that too.

Overall, I just feel good.  I’ve been sleeping early and waking up early.  Like 7am on Saturday and Sunday!  Who the fuck does that??  I’ve been reading one of Andy Cohen’s books at night and the format is kind of genius.  It’s basically what I’ve been doing my whole internet life but I’m not interesting nor do I know anyone interesting so it doesn’t go anywhere.  I can’t stop smiling, I feel crazy!  I think it’s a combination of reclaiming my time, doing things I’ve been wanting to do, and talking to someone who is interesting enough but doesn’t absorb all of my time.  I’m seriously so happy right now.

The Glamour and Romance of Oscar de la Renta Exhibit @MFAH | Full Circle

  • The first part of this entry will be about the Oscar de la Renta Exhibit.
  • The second half is my dumb attempt to make something meaningful out of nothing or try to prove a stupid realization that came to me last night.



I didn’t know what to expect from the exhibit.  I didn’t want to do too much googling or looking at other people’s experiences on social media.  I went Saturday morning, in a better than just ok mood with solid spinster vibes.  I did get some odd looks from other couples and families that were also at the museum but I tried to not let it get to me.  I saw some fabulous couples that were much older, cultured, and seemed happy.  Highkey jel.

It was impeccable!  I’m sure the first several days were amazing because towards the end of any exhibit, for whatever reason, there’s this slight lack of quality.  You kind of feel like you’re going through a sale rack at the last days of an exhibit.  I was handed a listening device that I didn’t think I’d need.  I thought it was for old people who were disabled visually and audibly lol.  I was advised to point at the squares and listen to the audio.  Ugh, I was definitely captivated by the first voice I recognized – almost immediately.  Andre Leon Talley.  I wanted to yelp – I was so excited.  It felt like he was leaving ME personal stories.  That was such a great feature.  I remember thinking… There has to be a way to capture all the audio online and just listen but no way.  Here are some more photos I took from my experience.  Unfortunately, my phone decided I had taken enough photos.  It wasn’t even telling me my phone was full – the camera app just simply would not take anymore photos lol.  I even deleted like 5-6 apps and 60+ older pics and nothing.  My phone definitely has a personality.



The pictures are in no particular order and I don’t think many of you care too much the actual size/detail of each pic.  Eyeroll emoji.

I entered the other exhibits; honestly the Indian exhibit was cool because of the preserved artifacts and whatnot but I wasn’t eager to know more.  I appreciated the preservation, the bits of facts, and the culture but I did a speedy walk-thru to see the Michelangelo exhibit.  Which was far more interesting to me.  Again, I wish I had photos.

The thing about going to the museum is… if the people you go with aren’t that interested, it either feels like dragging a dog that doesn’t want to walk or trying to keep an anxious dog steady at your pace.  I don’t mean to call people dogs but this is the best analogy I can come up with at the moment.  I’ve gone with people that just want to say they’ve gone to the museum and take pictures to seem cultured?  I don’t really know.  I go because I like taking in all the information, I consider the effort and quality, I get totally enveloped in the exhibit.  When I learned about this Oscar de la Renta exhibit, I knew I wanted to enjoy it with someone who either knew about fashion as much as me, at least knew or wanted to know more about the life of Oscar, and/or would appreciate art.  That would cancel out almost everyone I know.  I need more fashion friends.  Not just people who care about flaunting labels but people who understand style, fashion, art, and the creative people in the industry.

At the very end of the exhibit, the store only had 2 size small Oscar de la Renta shirts that two other girls picked up before I could.  They were at least medium-sized, I don’t know who the fuck they were kidding.  That was so frustrating to me.  They would not be able to fit it, that means they aren’t going to wear it, so it’s just a waste of a shirt.  SO upset about that.  I blame myself for killing time trying to get my camera to work.  I saw those girls throughout the entire exhibit.  They were like a crowd of cows that didn’t know or understand the exhibit.  They would stand in front of the exhibit, blocking other people’s view, and talking about literally their personal lives loudly.  They’d make small comments on the garments on display like they fucking knew a thing or two.  Yeah, I’m not fucking trusting THEIR opinion on style.  Lol, I’m very angry over a shirt.

Overall, very good experience.  I’m glad I went at the time I did.  I liked everything, I was tired of being alone and making comments to myself so I decided to leave.  After that, I went to pick up the little baby-sized items (emergency skincare, makeup, and lady shit) I left at the ex’s.  I literally just picked up my shit and left.  It’s not the kind of goodbye I wanted but he was sweaty from helping his father with yard-work and I am generally kind of cold.

Full Circle
I want things to be on good terms.  I hope I didn’t tear him down but he seems resilient, I only want the best for him and I don’t think I was that.  Splitting was best scenario for both of us.  This has to be one of the most awkward endings.  I have a problem knowing people don’t like me, for some people that don’t like me – if I don’t respect them, I don’t care to convince them to see me differently but I respect and care for him.  I think that’s why I try to make people laugh and like me.  How desperate of me lol.

I think it’s funny how when I first met him, we talked about the museum that first night and I think he mentioned he hasn’t been in many many years.  That should’ve been a sign for me.  There were other signs that night that I should’ve regarded as warnings but a huge part of me wanted to change/think less and let things flow.  I fucking let shit flow.  What makes this relationship come full circle is the shit we promised each other the first day we met; he’d take me to TopGolf and I’d take him to museum and neither of us did that for the other person.  Ultimately, those two things made us realize how much we actually wanted to be together – nowhere near each other lol.


Drink Meet

I call it drink meet, some people call it date.  I suppose it kinda sounds like saying “drink meat” and that is gross.

Song Currently Playing:  Dan Hartman – I can dream about you

I met a financier last night and it was just okay.  It’s nice to meet new people.  He wasn’t too try hard although he pulled out his Amex and it seemed staged.  We talked about finance and it made me miss my finance courses.  I had goals of actually doing something in finance and I let my misogynistic professors and father discourage me.  That’s the type of person I am.  As far as I could remember, I always let people’s words influence my decisions and compromise my future.  People I thought had my best interest; family, friends, and even teachers.

Break-up Diet
I haven’t really eaten in over 3 days lol.  I just don’t feel like it?  I chewed on a sandwich for lunch yesterday (Monday) and it was hard to finish so I didn’t finish it.  I had ONE old fashioned last night and it fucked a bitch up.  I knew it was stupid to go meet for drinks on an empty stomach but I did it anyway and when I got back to my car and drank 2 bottles of water before driving.  But before that, guy I met last night wanted me to drive him to his place lol.  I patted him on the back and told him to walk or Uber.  He texted me about 10 minutes later and asked for another date.  I went home and just crashed.  Best sleep ever.  I don’t think I even moved once.

Claiming Back My Time
Now that I have all this free time, I’m going to follow through and enroll in those real estate courses.  I bought an autobiography recently, so I’ll start reading that at night.  I’m going to either sign up for the gym/pilates.  I need to significantly reduce my shopping habits.  I have 2 other dates this week but not sure if I will commit to that.  Not looking to get plowed but just wanting an excuse to leave the house and talk to strangers.  But I need to learn how to enjoy time by myself again.  I need to figure out my meals.  I am SO over fast food.  I ate burgers so often the last few months, I see what its done to my body and it is so upsetting.  Burgers, pizza, and Mexican food is fucking great, ok?!  Don’t get me wrong.  I just don’t think it’s okay to eat it too often.

The Laptop Sitch
I asked a few of my tech friends about their suggestions and most of them were all over the place.  I have a perfectly good iMac at home – I’m going to tie myself to my desk and work on my projects there.  I’ve also decided on a camera so once it comes in, I’ll do my editing on the iMac and start uploading videos again.  Making a list of content but I want to be original.  Watch, my concepts will be so original, when you search for it you will find so many other people have already done it.  I’M SO UNORIGINAL is what I’m trying to say.  But it’s okay.  I’m going to wait for June/July for new Macbook releases.  I was going to get a Lenovo but they’re not good for video editing and any Adobe action?



Writing More Often

It’s been rough pretending nothing is going on with me while at work.  My boss is being classic dunce and thank goodness Evan is being more than a decent friend the last few days.  I appreciate him being more available via text even though he has a crazy work life.  Instead of unloading all this extra shit I feel, I’m putting it down here.  The loneliness is still nauseating.  So I’m gonna go out and try to feel something else besides that and condition myself to enjoy my free time again.

I can’t help but think of the times my exbf was “on one” and would talk to his brother.  It was so uncomfortable for me, I kept thinking his brother might address the issue in front of me, and it would escalate to a fight because it was so obvious.  Lately, I’ve been feeling like I enabled and abandoned someone with a serious problem.

Before we broke up, I watched Clueless for the 3-millionth time.  There was this scene where Cher talks to Tai…

Cher Horowitz: Tai, how old are you?
Tai Fraiser: I’ll be sixteen in May.
Cher Horowitz: My birthday is in April and, as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at a party, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
Dionne Davenport: Do you see the distinction?
Tai Fraiser: (clearly confused) Yeah.

Maybe I was the reason he lit up so much.  I’ll never really know.  I have to meet this new guy tonight and pretend I’m 100% lol.  I have to not mention my last relationship or be very brief, I have to pretend he didn’t mean anything to me, I’m not gonna let someone who didn’t really like or care about me impact a potentially decent thing and make me bitter about men/future relationships.  I’m going to be 28 in August, a good portion of me thought I would celebrate it with the ex but I’ll most likely be single/dating and I just hope the closer I am to 30 – it doesn’t kill my motivation to find a substantial relationship.  Ugh, I fucking think too much.

Feeling better but angry

It’s wrong because it’s so soon but I’m meeting with someone Monday night at Reserve 101 for drinks.  When I dated the ex, I abandoned my friendships, I stopped doing things for me.  We didn’t go out so when this new guy asked me what I like to do for fun, I almost said watching woodworking videos lol.  🙄

I felt like a trapped bird for a while and I’m anxious about going out.  Like looking good and going out.  I’m not interested in dating but I miss being out in the city.  I think the stage I’m at, since I was able to write out what happened and how I feel in the last post, I’m beyond the sadness but now resenting K for saying he felt worn out.  I was fucking worn out!!!  I fucking would’ve loved less time together to actually miss him.  At least he got shit done with me loitering near him.  I hate myself for letting him make me feel like he needed to see me every chance then say I was around too much.  If I recall, the Friday we were supposed to go to topgolf, he wanted me to come sooner rather than later and made me feel like I always arrived to his place too late. As if I would take my time getting to his place every time. Like I couldn’t have an hr after work for myself. Plus it would take 40m to get to him on a Friday after 5pm.  That particular night it took longer.

Before that, the last weekend we spent together, he had the nerve to say my contribution was very low.  Okay.  I’m not that hands-on with the actual project, but it’s not like he was trying to teach me.  What the fuck did he want from me?!  Woodworking wasn’t MY hobby.  I tried to be as useful as possible when I was there.  I cleaned his tub, which was very difficult.  I cleaned and organized the spare bedroom.  I got him a shoe rack and planned on replacing his hangers and have his clothes organized a certain way.  I folded his laundry if it was on his bed.  I even swept the garage anytime there was cutting action to reduce the sweeping he’d have to do at the end of the project.  I did that for him but I did it so I felt like I had some purpose being there.  So him minimizing my contribution felt like a slap in the face and I just remember feeling like a zilch.

I think I deserve a guy that would appreciate what I can offer instead of point out the things I didn’t or couldn’t do.  He thanked me anytime I did do something for him but I don’t know too many bitches that would’ve done what I did.  He kinda made it seem like that shit was worthless.  Smh, white privilege type of shit lol.  Nah, IDK.  He constantly tested my competence which was nice.  Good to feel like your partner makes you feel stupid.  Asking me if I had to take special testing at a kid.  I don’t wanna stay angry so I’m writing this out.  If I’m still angry at him, that means I still haven’t addressed all the problems I had.  I don’t wanna hate him.  I think his intentions were good but it’s odd to me how I had to really complain about the museum for him to say he wanted to end it.  Like wtf.  If I didn’t drunk text him, was he just gonna fucking drag this relationship out for a few more weeks?!  Months?! When was he actually gonna tell me?? 🙄🙄🙄   I guess I took a while to tell him how I felt but I was still sorting out my feelings.  It honestly felt like he couldn’t deal with my nagging about the museum so he decided to kibosh.

He mentioned our relationship was stagnant and I felt like clapping after reading that.  Yes, so stagnant.  I was talking to his friend Chris about my work and how I felt stagnant but in my head I was acknowledging how my relationship was also at a standstill. So reading that made me feel less guilty.  He went on to say we were too much alike and we didn’t have enough traits to complement each other or bring out the best in us or something.  I don’t remember.  I’ll admit I enabled him and I think part of him wanted me to tell him to quit smoking.  Not sure.  I just knew early on, I liked him so much.  I thought there was gonna be a future.  I even asked him to cut back on soda, as one baby step.  I just wanted him to be healthy and feel better.  But he couldn’t even cut that habit.  He was only 31 but he would exude this 35-37 essence about himself.  It worried me because uhh I’m 27, please have some energy ok.  It had to be the smoking that made him lazy, eat obsessively, and just passing out shortly after.  I have these photos to prove a point (but now it’s just creepy lol) of him being passed out while I was wide awake. 😒😔 I would lay there feeling lonely.  I so badly wanted us to sit through a whole movie and then talk about it afterwards.  Or just nice pillow talk.  Is that stupid?  I did that with the short term dudes I’d end up trashing.  Why couldn’t I do that with him?  Him passing out early forced me to sleep early.  Which I have a hard time doing when I’m at home – I think too much. It’s 330am rn 🙄 I’m done.

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub

Where to begin?

I’m writing this really late on March 15.


I never had serious trouble making the guys I dated take me somewhere I wanted but somehow my boyfriend doesn’t want to go anywhere with me unless it’s something he really wants to do.  The guys before him would spontaneously take me to new places and tried to make sure I had a great time.  I think my boyfriend sometimes tries but only to make sure I had a “good enough” time.  All I asked was to go to the museum with me.  He couldn’t even do that.  All I see are couples that do things together in public and it’s usually events the female wants to do and the male is just there. Even in the worst relationships I know of, the guy just does it. It’s been upsetting me for days; I even begged and he doesn’t seem to care.  I’m overwhelmed with the pace of our relationship, the situations that tests/tested our relationship, and how we communicate.

Timing is everything… but mine

I was so confident in our relationship 2-3 weeks ago.  It’s been officially 6 months of dating.  I don’t think he’s noticed.  I’ve been struggling with my personal time – present and future, and just not taking care of myself.  My free time revolves around him.  I drive to him.  I spend my weekends with him.  I talk to him after work and before bed.  We text throughout the whole day.  I appreciate all of that.  I adore it.  But in the midst of all that, I lost the time for myself.  Just time to improve who I am.  That’s not his fault, he’s better with his time than me.  I hope if he’s lost interest in me, he wouldn’t just waste my time.  I don’t know how he sees me.  Speaking of time, I’m very sad at the moment.  I don’t wanna sound dramatic, like this museum thing is the deal breaker but it just shows me how selfish he is.  I don’t know a time we did anything I wanted to do.  We’ve always done what he wanted to do.  I’m actually embarrassed to even mention to anyone my plans to the museum because people will assume he went with me and that’s not the case at all.  He’s supposed to be my boyfriend, he’s gonna let me go on my own?  At this point, I wouldn’t want him to go anyway.  It wouldn’t be genuine and he doesn’t even want to spend the time with me.  He’s perfectly fine with not seeing me this weekend and I feel offended.  I don’t feel like I have a boyfriend.  I learned the 6month mark is when the “honeymoon phase” diminishes and the couple should be left with true, no fluff, unapologetic realness of ones self.  And it’s accepted by other person.  And, if neither is saying “I love you” after 6months, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.  We hardly go anywhere.  Is he ashamed of me?  I’m gonna let some time pad the emotions I’m feeling right now so I’m not saying or doing hasty things.

If I work my way back to when things started to change, I could see where I messed up.  What I don’t appreciate is the tit-for-tat behavior, if that is the game he is playing.  I’m not ready to see his mom.  I’m not ready for him to see my mom.  Why do moms have to even be involved?!  Am I completely terrible for not wanting that??  He told me his father’s mother was sick and the family decided to go visit the grandma in Louisiana.  He went on to say how it would be nice to have me accompany him on his road trip to Louisiana and I could finally meet his mother.  I remember being flattered but also feeling it would be odd timing to introduce me when visiting a sick grandparent.  Plus he didn’t sound very serious on the idea.  When the time came for him to go, he told me his brother’s girlfriend was also going. I felt ill in that moment. I felt like he definitely doesn’t want me to meet his family and I was offended.  I didn’t think much of it bc I didn’t want to feel more offended. I remember rushing to leave and I tried not to hug him, I guess out of spite, but he opened his arms and waited for me to do the same. So I did.

After that, Friday was coming up and he suggested TopGolf. Something that’s been on our minds since we started talking. I had no problem with going because I genuinely wanted to go. Friday morning he told me he invited his brother and his gf. Any other time, I would’ve been okay with that, but it was the first time he ever suggested a real date situation and now it’s turned into a competitive double date situation. I only wanted to be with him and not invite other people. I felt like he didn’t want to be stuck alone with me. I felt like if I followed through with his plans for that evening, it would’ve been just a competitive match between him and his brother while I have awkward, forced conversations with his brothers gf. On top of that, I had a flood of intense emotions from pms but for whatever reason I kept thinking about not seeing him and the idea was intensely exciting.  The idea of just doing my own thing, not feeling like I was tied to him and I had to do everything he wanted to do.  Traffic was hectic because the rodeo and spring break. I wasn’t in the mood to be competitive and have politically correct conversations in case his bro’s gf was the type to be easily offended. As I mentioned earlier about not following through, I told him on my way there via text I wasn’t in the mood but would be down to go except I won’t be talking much. He called me upset and cancelled the plans. I actually cried 3 times while driving. *insert eyeroll emoji* Once I got there, it was the most uncomfortable atmosphere. He didn’t touch me or anything. Just cold and I felt abandoned while with him. I put my hand out multiple times and he didn’t. It was very hurtful. He took me to Galveston to eat and see his old residence then we met up with his work friends at a bar.  Once we started drinking, things felt semi-normal again.

EDIT:  I started this post but didn’t finish on Thursday, March 15 – picked up Sunday, March 18.

Except I wasn’t happy.  I think I let all the issues I had with him pile up to the point where I couldn’t stand being around him.  I had no idea how he felt about me or about the relationship but I knew that Friday morning he was excited about TopGolf, so I felt guilty the entire night.  Thinking back, that car ride to Galveston was killing me.  I wanted to be with him but I also didn’t.  All the smoking, the junk food, we never went anywhere, we could never really fully enjoy the time in bed because he would just fucking pass out.  I was enabling his bad habits but I was scared to tell him.  I can’t help but think if I had just been more vocal about how I felt and proactive in helping him then we wouldn’t have broken up this Saturday morning.

This past Friday night, I had dinner with Ammar to celebrate his birthday because I couldn’t make it to the main event Saturday morning.  Ammar planned on go-karts and I thought what a perfect time to invite my boyf with me because he had just mentioned it the past weekend.  I asked and he didn’t want to go so I changed up my plans for him.  This was my attempt to save something I felt was slipping.  My original plan for Friday night, my boyf would meet me at North Italia (as he said he would Wednesday night on the phone), I would have a room at Hotel Zaza for us, it was near the museum and that way the next day we wouldn’t have to travel far at all to MFAH.  The hotel thing was a chance for us to not have other distractions, to really connect, and to see if I could pinpoint the solution for us.  I was planning this at work on Thursday and walked away to do actual work.  When I came back to my desk, I felt overwhelmingly desperate because I wanted so badly for this idea to work – to prove our relationship could surpass this weird knot I had been feeling for weeks.  Much like the bump on the road before turning into his house.  That lousy bump I had to strategically avoid while turning always resonated to me in a weird way.  Like it was a reminder there was an issue I was avoiding.  I told him we should just see each other the next weekend and he could have time for himself.  I think I wanted him to be upset but knowing him I think he wanted some time too.  I decided to let the museum thing go but when I was peeing (where I do the best thinking) I thought about the other times I went to the museum with guys that barely knew me and I thought about other couples at the museum.  A friend of his, lets call him Tick, went with his psycho gf, lets call her Nobody, to the exhibit with the stupid light installations hanging from the ceiling.  It hit me, in these shitty relationships, the guys were still willing to go with girlfriends they barely liked or respected.  I was also factoring in my friend’s and their pseudo love relationships.  All the guys just fucking went.  How much does my own boyfriend not like/respect me?  It became the theme of the night.  I didn’t even want to talk to him on the phone that Thursday night and he didn’t seem to notice I was in a mood or he just didn’t care at all.  I went to sleep crying because I think I knew this was over and I was jealous of the obviously wrong/bad relationships still going strong.  I was very distant Friday and he still wasn’t saying things I wanted him to say.  The entire day, I kept thinking how did our relationship go so bad and is there a way to salvage it?  Time came to eat and drink with Ammar.  He was going on about school and work but in my dumb head I was getting tipsy and thinking about ways my boyf could surprise me.  I thought:  Okay, he can’t hate me, I’m not sure if he’s lost interest in me, maybe he will surprise me by being at the museum – he’ll look for me and I’ll see him at the corner of my eye, we embrace and things go right again.  I didn’t want to keep thinking that because I knew he didn’t have a romantic bone in his body and I knew he would never really go out of his way for me.

I decided to text him how I felt after 2 drinks in me.  He didn’t respond the rest of the night.  I got home at 11pm, I think, and I sat in my car thinking about how I wanted out.  I wrote out a text about ending it and how I’d pick up my little things I left at his place.  I sent the text to Evan first, in case I was being dramatic.  While I was waiting for Evan to review and make a decision, I made a list of things I wanted to do that he never committed to and I felt so upset like my ideas were trash.  Then I would think about all the times he mentioned how we should do this/do that and he didn’t commit to that either.  I reflected on the things we did when we were together and it was things he wanted to do.  As much as I respected his woodworking, I didn’t feel useful I don’t think I needed to be there every weekend.  He didn’t really include me or teach me.  I was just there to observe and I would’ve loved that time for myself.  I recall a time I wanted a weekend to myself and he immediately tried to guilt trip me as if I didn’t wanna spend time with him.  I felt obligated every week to see him and to spend the entire weekend with him.  So when he finally texted back early Saturday morning (I don’t know what time, my phone died so when I charged it – the texts were already there), he mentioned something along the lines of feeling drained or suffocated by the amount of time we spent together and that he didn’t see us as long term.  I felt relief.  I immediately texted back I’d pick up my things and we’d be done.  I didn’t feel anger or hurt.  I was confused because I was sacrificing my free time for him because he made me feel like I had to but this text… he made it seem like I was the one loitering and wouldn’t leave.  I agree about the part where he mentioned me not having my own space made it hard for him or whatever.  I would’ve looked for a place if it really bothered him.  I was saving a retarded amount of money for a Gucci or Chanel bag, and I was buying unnecessary things like the Chanel shoes, the Gucci shoes, Fendi Bag and other shit.  He could’ve told me to use it towards rent.  I could afford and manage my own place.  He never made it seem like it was an issue.  He’d bring up meeting my mom a few times that made me uncomfortable because I’m scared of that interaction.  If he thought I was mean, my mother was much worse.  My mom is 70! – very traditional/old-school Viet, was a teenager during the war, expected certain things from a male, and very superficial.  I did not want my mother making my boyf feel like he wasn’t good enough or judge him in any other way.

I read a lot about relationships and how people in my age range give up easily over the littlest things.  Our generation refuses to commit, even if they’ve been together for years, some couples can’t even talk about their future.  I thought about my future a lot in this last relationship.  I never did that before but I don’t know how realistic I was being.  Considering the person I am, how I put other people before me, and how badly I wanted to change to be the best version of me, I would’ve stayed in this relationship if he wanted to and I was unhappy.  That’s what I learned about myself.  Evan was too late when he told me to not send that break-up text that Friday night.  Evan was surprised my boyf basically broke up with me.  I mean, telling me he didn’t see us being long-term is like a euphemism for “bitch, this is done”.  I wasn’t really trying to figure out what we could do to fix it.  I could look for a place right now, I could be more honest and open with him, we could plan our schedules properly so neither of us would feel like time was being wasted.  But he also had, what I would categorize as addiction/attachment to smoking which made me so incredibly unhappy and a shitty girlfriend.  As an outsider, he definitely had an issue and he had been smoking for 10 years at that point.  The smoking after work, before bed, and throughout the day on weekends disappointed me.  I feel guilty for not telling him how concerned I was for him.  Work people had to know, even if he wasn’t smoking before work, he smoked with people from work and that gets spread around.  I don’t know if it interfered with a promotion he felt like he deserved but was given to someone else at his level.  His room would smell like it, his clothes sometimes, his car.  How could people at work not know?  But I knew and it changed the way I felt about him and our future.  He quit for two weeks, without me even suggesting it – I was so proud because I wanted him to quit for himself, and he went back to smoking because of stress.  I’m pretty sure it was the stress from not smoking that he just needed to learn to avoid.  So, do I think we could’ve lasted longer if he weren’t so dependent on smoking?  Yes.  I definitely would’ve been more talkative and let some walls down.  I hated repeated myself and thinking “whats the point in this? He’s not going to remember this moment.  He’s physically here but not mentally.  If I put all my energy in this, I’m going to end up feeling disappointed or getting hurt.”

Anyway, my mom witnessed me crying and having absolutely nothing to eat in 2 days.  I seriously haven’t chewed a thing in 2 days!  I tried to stay hydrated at least, so I don’t die.  Break-up diets, man.  They work.  I am finally unbloated and my belly is flat!  *hands praising or whatever emoji*  My mom felt bad for both people; me and him.  Which made me see her in a different light but today she kept saying he was a waste of time which made me more emotional.  I liked him a lot and I really wanted it to work.  It was 6months, half a year… but no, not a total waste of time.  I learned a few things about woodworking, I learned I can’t keep putting other people before myself because no one is looking after me.  I wanted to start my real estate courses for my license since the beginning of the year but when was I supposed to study?  He was taking up my weekends and he wasn’t suggesting we see each other every other weekend.  I didn’t want to offend him again by asking.  I learned I would’ve settled for something that wasn’t making me happy, I learned I was scared to voice my opinion, I learned this loneliness since the break-up has been fucking nauseating.  I felt free and happy Saturday morning then by night time it was just painful.  I liked missing someone, I liked caring for someone, I liked doing things for someone.  Which is a huge change from the person I was before.  Someone who would just use guys and trash after 2weeks/2months.  This guy taught me I could possibly love someone if I put down my walls and really fight for it.  Not sure if this was worth fighting for since he was smiling when I picked up my things lol.  Today I realized work from now on is going to seem a lot longer and I have this creepy boss that always makes me feel uncomfortable.  When I was in a relationship, for some reason, I felt safe and like I had a layer of protection.  Now I just feel unprotected and like a target.  I’m trying to remember the time before 6months ago, but I was unemployed lol so yeah.  I’ll just learn to deal with it.

Getting Tested

For STDs? I hope I don’t have to. Real Estate license? I’m putting that on back-burner. Consistently negative occurrences in my relationship that remind me that I could potentially end up like my mother or alone and that both routes are just positively depressing, abusive, and self-loathing? Bingo, bucko.

I hated taking exams in school. By college time, I seemed to struggle more because more pressure was applied each test I took. Thoughts like “if I don’t pass, I’ll end up taking this course again” or “I don’t remember what this class is even about” and my fav is when I just sit there frazzled, red, moist in the face, and trying not to cry. It seems like getting tested is what life is all about. Getting exams in school tested our knowledge of whatever unit or subject but in real life we’re constantly getting tested on our contentment; who we are/who we thought we were/who we ought to be, testing our tolerance for different emotions tied to certain events with very particular people. It’s exhausting. While the testing we do in institutions prepare us for the next level, I suppose it prepares us for the constant test-taking we do in our lives. Except I’ve never gotten comfortable with it so the lessons I’m learning in life right now aren’t enough to prepare me for these tests I deal with almost daily.

Level: Hard

Question: Do you trust someone you’re in a relationship with on social media?

Short-answer: No.

If not, why?: because social media is part of the problem. It allows people to cheat and give up on relationships easier than a time before social media. Hit “delete”, “block”, or just simply ghost on someone you’ve been seeing for months when you get turned off by the littlest thing because there’s always gonna be a next. It’s a perpetuated, gloried way of living and it’s socially acceptable. New follows lead to new temptations/troubles. It’s simply a gateway to be deviants and it’s an environment where it’s approved – backed by people with the same idea.

In my past relationships, I ended them knowing there would always be someone else. As if there was a line and I was letting it pile up or I had to filter them out. I did that because I didn’t want to settle, I looked for issues to date someone else, because there had to be a better version of the guy I was seeing in that moment. Social media gives us an idea of hope for a possibly better whatever we’re looking for. People don’t wanna work on the relationships they’re in now so when there’s a little pothole, they drive over it or don’t and they abandon vehicle before anything else happens. Their vehicle could’ve been a Mercedes G-wagon or a Ferrari Lafarrari but they had no idea what they were driving. Uhh was this a terrible analogy or what. My point is potentially good relationships end over the littlest things and social media is part of the problem. It tests us daily on how faithful one can be, how tempted we get, and how much will power we have. I’m a 90s baby. I’ve watched social media grow from a helpful marketing tool manifest into an unhealthy chamber for sloppy behavior and awful memes. (The memes used to be better).

Anyway, I won’t get specific but I’m not gonna let social media break my relationship apart… until it finally does, then I failed another test when I knew the answers but I don’t get that many chances to retake this exam considering my age. I guess the idea is how much do I want to put my life on social media. Oops. Too late for that. How much do I wanna be active in social media? Do I let SM define my relationship? Does removing myself from SM leave me in the dark and behind?

I can’t control what he does with his phone. I don’t wanna tell him what to do, I’m not the type. I’m finding it harder to trust him after tonight and as a result it questions the future I thought I had with him. Maybe I’m being dramatic but that’s how I feel right now. Next time I see him, I don’t know if I could be as affectionate. I know I care for him but I’m too upset to really see him at this point. He is sick with the flu, I was so sad for him, all I wanted to do was be near him to help and just hope he’d get better. Now I just hope he lives so I can make him feel what I feel. A lot of hurt and disrespect.

When am I gonna be tested and feel confident? I want something easy and something I know. Lemme eliminate the wrong answers and leave me with the one right answer. I don’t wanna guess. I wanna know the person I’m in a relationship with wants to be in a relationship too.

Feeling Randy

EDIT:  I am leaving a lot of moments out.  Too personal to share for now but he was not a cold person.  He was affectionate, honest, generally positive, and incredibly likable.

I’ve been meaning to get back into my writing.  Not because I think I’m a good writer but it is a good outlet for me to be me.  I can’t always confide in friends because I can be repetitive and they have their own issues too.  If I unload on them that means I have to let them unload on me and that’s just not fair because my issues are real.  (lol) 

This summer I met a boy named… Let’s call him Randy.  Randy was the epitome of what I was looking for in regards to… looks.  He stood at 6’4″, dark and wavy hair, bearded, good nose, good body – played lots of sports, just perfection.  Almost.  Our first meet was meh, forgettable.  I remember thinking at the end of it, “I’ll never see him again”.  I don’t remember if I thought that because I knew I wouldn’t reach out to him or that he wouldn’t reach out to me.  But he seemed very interested in me.  He did ask for 3 hugs by the end of that meet and then later that night he facetimed with me for 2 hours.  He played his guitar and sang for me.  Which was cute at the time but at this point it doesn’t mean much anymore lol.  We started seeing each other often then I noticed the more I learned about him, or tried to, he would stop me and tell me “you ask too many questions” or “this is too heavy, we can talk about this later”.  Which sounds like, to any reasonable person, he just wasn’t that into me.  Not enough to really let me in, at least.  I acknowledged that early on and accepted that because I also knew he wasn’t meant for me.  There were times I was totally comfortable with the idea of something casual because I couldn’t handle anything serious either.  I didn’t have my shit together.  I still don’t.

An area I knew that would’ve been a rough obstacle for us was religion.  He was raised Christian and still based a lot of his life on Christianity.  I was not raised to follow anything in particular and was allowed to believe my own honest beliefs – whatever the media tells me to… kidding.  That’s truly a tough one to compromise with if our relationship ever escalated to anything serious.  Another nugget was how generally uninformed he was on national news, world news, or any news really!  This bothers me because it tells me that he doesn’t read a lot.  I even asked him when he last read a book.  He said high school.  I get that, kind of.  Except he’s 30 and that kind of answer would’ve worked if he were 19.  However, a 19 yr old enrolled in college would’ve at least said “I opened a textbook for…” – which brings me to nugget 3.  He didn’t go to college.  I think he is the only person I’ve dated/mingled with that did not go.  I honestly didn’t care for this too much at the time because I know so many amazing, talented, intelligent people that do not have their college degree.  Time in college was either holding them back from some incredible opportunity or they just couldn’t learn/evolve in that way.  I would love to say that’s where Randy falls under but I would be lying.  As much as he was sweet, he was a dunce.  I hate myself for saying this.  I really do.  But I am writing this for a reason.  Which will take a lot of patience and reading because the point is at the very end.  He actually never brought up school.  I did enough cyber stalking to know his real situation and to not have to ask.  The other nuggets I don’t care to really drag on about is how his dad basically supports him and how he doesn’t intend on growing up anytime soon.  Maybe not as straight forward but let’s say Randy’s job is secure as long as Randy is alive and he isn’t even really investing his money properly – maybe.  Whatever.  I recall many moments of desperately wanting to have a solid conversation about something that mattered.  A lot of serious things came up and they were always brief conversations.  Sometimes he would just look expressionless at me while I talked.  Almost afraid to say something.  Which brings me to the one time I joked about myself – because that’s what I do, I make fun of myself!  He got offended by it.  Eyeroll.  Our humor was off, for sure.

Obviously, I could make a short book about how wrong he was for me.  Not reasons he is a bad person because he wasn’t a bad egg at all – just not suitable for me.  He has to be the sweetest boy I’ve been with.  That was basically all he was – a boy.  He was not ready to be a man.  I tried to end it 3 times but ya know… when a girl gets lonely… I’m only human, ok?!  (For the record, he asked for a second chance, other times we were just horny.)  He actually ended it completely and I wasn’t going to fight it.  He said he met someone else and things “skyrocketed” during their first meet.  I’m not going to pretend like that didn’t hurt me or offend me.  “Skyrocketed”?!  C’mon, how remarkable was this broad?  I really doubt if she was top-notch in every area that counts, that she would settle for Randy.  So I’m going to assume things skyrocketed because they were most likely very sexual their first interaction.  But after all the reasoning and acceptance of the situation, it still hurt.  I think my friend Jamie was right.  He said I was mostly feeling like trash because I was the one getting dumped.  A lot of you (all 3 of you) are reading this and you’re shocked that I do the dumping.  It’s true, I’ve always been quick to go to the next but this time I was trashed and dealing with it differently.  It’s not like I don’t have prospects after Randy but I’m not as resilient as I thought.  I started to think about Randy’s potential.  I knew he was a boy but I also felt like he would change, evolve, man-up to the right occasion or person.  I wanted to be that person that influenced him.  He was such a genuinely kind and likable person with amazing physical features – I didn’t want to let that go.  I’ll be damned if he changes for this unremarkable lump of a lady he’s with now.  Ugh, she probably supports Joel Osteen.  Anyway, if that were to come true, that he changed for this new female, it would be impossible but also he would eventually resent her for making him change.  If he improves his way of life, he’d have to be doing it for him.

I learned a few things about myself from this experience.  I’m very superficial; to the point of settling for someone that can’t be the type of partner I would need him to be.  A friend told me that I don’t know my worth.  Lol.  I don’t even know how to break that one down.  I explained this entire relationship to another friend and he said Randy seemed insecure/intimidated by me and that’s why he could never have lengthy conversations.  That honestly sounds true.  Randy loved music and he would always be surprised when I spat out a fact but he would quickly change the subject.  Lastly, I learned more about Sugarland than I wanted to know.  I could never live over there.