Getting Tested

For STDs? I hope I don’t have to. Real Estate license? I’m putting that on back-burner. Consistently negative occurrences in my relationship that remind me that I could potentially end up like my mother or alone and that both routes are just positively depressing, abusive, and self-loathing? Bingo, bucko.

I hated taking exams in school. By college time, I seemed to struggle more because more pressure was applied each test I took. Thoughts like “if I don’t pass, I’ll end up taking this course again” or “I don’t remember what this class is even about” and my fav is when I just sit there frazzled, red, moist in the face, and trying not to cry. It seems like getting tested is what life is all about. Getting exams in school tested our knowledge of whatever unit or subject but in real life we’re constantly getting tested on our contentment; who we are/who we thought we were/who we ought to be, testing our tolerance for different emotions tied to certain events with very particular people. It’s exhausting. While the testing we do in institutions prepare us for the next level, I suppose it prepares us for the constant test-taking we do in our lives. Except I’ve never gotten comfortable with it so the lessons I’m learning in life right now aren’t enough to prepare me for these tests I deal with almost daily.

Level: Hard

Question: Do you trust someone you’re in a relationship with on social media?

Short-answer: No.

If not, why?: because social media is part of the problem. It allows people to cheat and give up on relationships easier than a time before social media. Hit “delete”, “block”, or just simply ghost on someone you’ve been seeing for months when you get turned off by the littlest thing because there’s always gonna be a next. It’s a perpetuated, gloried way of living and it’s socially acceptable. New follows lead to new temptations/troubles. It’s simply a gateway to be deviants and it’s an environment where it’s approved – backed by people with the same idea.

In my past relationships, I ended them knowing there would always be someone else. As if there was a line and I was letting it pile up or I had to filter them out. I did that because I didn’t want to settle, I looked for issues to date someone else, because there had to be a better version of the guy I was seeing in that moment. Social media gives us an idea of hope for a possibly better whatever we’re looking for. People don’t wanna work on the relationships they’re in now so when there’s a little pothole, they drive over it or don’t and they abandon vehicle before anything else happens. Their vehicle could’ve been a Mercedes G-wagon or a Ferrari Lafarrari but they had no idea what they were driving. Uhh was this a terrible analogy or what. My point is potentially good relationships end over the littlest things and social media is part of the problem. It tests us daily on how faithful one can be, how tempted we get, and how much will power we have. I’m a 90s baby. I’ve watched social media grow from a helpful marketing tool manifest into an unhealthy chamber for sloppy behavior and awful memes. (The memes used to be better).

Anyway, I won’t get specific but I’m not gonna let social media break my relationship apart… until it finally does, then I failed another test when I knew the answers but I don’t get that many chances to retake this exam considering my age. I guess the idea is how much do I want to put my life on social media. Oops. Too late for that. How much do I wanna be active in social media? Do I let SM define my relationship? Does removing myself from SM leave me in the dark and behind?

I can’t control what he does with his phone. I don’t wanna tell him what to do, I’m not the type. I’m finding it harder to trust him after tonight and as a result it questions the future I thought I had with him. Maybe I’m being dramatic but that’s how I feel right now. Next time I see him, I don’t know if I could be as affectionate. I know I care for him but I’m too upset to really see him at this point. He is sick with the flu, I was so sad for him, all I wanted to do was be near him to help and just hope he’d get better. Now I just hope he lives so I can make him feel what I feel. A lot of hurt and disrespect.

When am I gonna be tested and feel confident? I want something easy and something I know. Lemme eliminate the wrong answers and leave me with the one right answer. I don’t wanna guess. I wanna know the person I’m in a relationship with wants to be in a relationship too.

Feeling Randy

EDIT:  I am leaving a lot of moments out.  Too personal to share for now but he was not a cold person.  He was affectionate, honest, generally positive, and incredibly likable.

I’ve been meaning to get back into my writing.  Not because I think I’m a good writer but it is a good outlet for me to be me.  I can’t always confide in friends because I can be repetitive and they have their own issues too.  If I unload on them that means I have to let them unload on me and that’s just not fair because my issues are real.  (lol) 

This summer I met a boy named… Let’s call him Randy.  Randy was the epitome of what I was looking for in regards to… looks.  He stood at 6’4″, dark and wavy hair, bearded, good nose, good body – played lots of sports, just perfection.  Almost.  Our first meet was meh, forgettable.  I remember thinking at the end of it, “I’ll never see him again”.  I don’t remember if I thought that because I knew I wouldn’t reach out to him or that he wouldn’t reach out to me.  But he seemed very interested in me.  He did ask for 3 hugs by the end of that meet and then later that night he facetimed with me for 2 hours.  He played his guitar and sang for me.  Which was cute at the time but at this point it doesn’t mean much anymore lol.  We started seeing each other often then I noticed the more I learned about him, or tried to, he would stop me and tell me “you ask too many questions” or “this is too heavy, we can talk about this later”.  Which sounds like, to any reasonable person, he just wasn’t that into me.  Not enough to really let me in, at least.  I acknowledged that early on and accepted that because I also knew he wasn’t meant for me.  There were times I was totally comfortable with the idea of something casual because I couldn’t handle anything serious either.  I didn’t have my shit together.  I still don’t.

An area I knew that would’ve been a rough obstacle for us was religion.  He was raised Christian and still based a lot of his life on Christianity.  I was not raised to follow anything in particular and was allowed to believe my own honest beliefs – whatever the media tells me to… kidding.  That’s truly a tough one to compromise with if our relationship ever escalated to anything serious.  Another nugget was how generally uninformed he was on national news, world news, or any news really!  This bothers me because it tells me that he doesn’t read a lot.  I even asked him when he last read a book.  He said high school.  I get that, kind of.  Except he’s 30 and that kind of answer would’ve worked if he were 19.  However, a 19 yr old enrolled in college would’ve at least said “I opened a textbook for…” – which brings me to nugget 3.  He didn’t go to college.  I think he is the only person I’ve dated/mingled with that did not go.  I honestly didn’t care for this too much at the time because I know so many amazing, talented, intelligent people that do not have their college degree.  Time in college was either holding them back from some incredible opportunity or they just couldn’t learn/evolve in that way.  I would love to say that’s where Randy falls under but I would be lying.  As much as he was sweet, he was a dunce.  I hate myself for saying this.  I really do.  But I am writing this for a reason.  Which will take a lot of patience and reading because the point is at the very end.  He actually never brought up school.  I did enough cyber stalking to know his real situation and to not have to ask.  The other nuggets I don’t care to really drag on about is how his dad basically supports him and how he doesn’t intend on growing up anytime soon.  Maybe not as straight forward but let’s say Randy’s job is secure as long as Randy is alive and he isn’t even really investing his money properly – maybe.  Whatever.  I recall many moments of desperately wanting to have a solid conversation about something that mattered.  A lot of serious things came up and they were always brief conversations.  Sometimes he would just look expressionless at me while I talked.  Almost afraid to say something.  Which brings me to the one time I joked about myself – because that’s what I do, I make fun of myself!  He got offended by it.  Eyeroll.  Our humor was off, for sure.

Obviously, I could make a short book about how wrong he was for me.  Not reasons he is a bad person because he wasn’t a bad egg at all – just not suitable for me.  He has to be the sweetest boy I’ve been with.  That was basically all he was – a boy.  He was not ready to be a man.  I tried to end it 3 times but ya know… when a girl gets lonely… I’m only human, ok?!  (For the record, he asked for a second chance, other times we were just horny.)  He actually ended it completely and I wasn’t going to fight it.  He said he met someone else and things “skyrocketed” during their first meet.  I’m not going to pretend like that didn’t hurt me or offend me.  “Skyrocketed”?!  C’mon, how remarkable was this broad?  I really doubt if she was top-notch in every area that counts, that she would settle for Randy.  So I’m going to assume things skyrocketed because they were most likely very sexual their first interaction.  But after all the reasoning and acceptance of the situation, it still hurt.  I think my friend Jamie was right.  He said I was mostly feeling like trash because I was the one getting dumped.  A lot of you (all 3 of you) are reading this and you’re shocked that I do the dumping.  It’s true, I’ve always been quick to go to the next but this time I was trashed and dealing with it differently.  It’s not like I don’t have prospects after Randy but I’m not as resilient as I thought.  I started to think about Randy’s potential.  I knew he was a boy but I also felt like he would change, evolve, man-up to the right occasion or person.  I wanted to be that person that influenced him.  He was such a genuinely kind and likable person with amazing physical features – I didn’t want to let that go.  I’ll be damned if he changes for this unremarkable lump of a lady he’s with now.  Ugh, she probably supports Joel Osteen.  Anyway, if that were to come true, that he changed for this new female, it would be impossible but also he would eventually resent her for making him change.  If he improves his way of life, he’d have to be doing it for him.

I learned a few things about myself from this experience.  I’m very superficial; to the point of settling for someone that can’t be the type of partner I would need him to be.  A friend told me that I don’t know my worth.  Lol.  I don’t even know how to break that one down.  I explained this entire relationship to another friend and he said Randy seemed insecure/intimidated by me and that’s why he could never have lengthy conversations.  That honestly sounds true.  Randy loved music and he would always be surprised when I spat out a fact but he would quickly change the subject.  Lastly, I learned more about Sugarland than I wanted to know.  I could never live over there.


I was coordinating a little event called Asian Night at the Rodeo during March in Houston.  It was very successful however these shoes in the featured photo weren’t the best choice to wear since I would be in them all day.  BUT!  I received many, many compliments so I think it was worth it.