The Glamour and Romance of Oscar de la Renta Exhibit @MFAH | Full Circle

  • The first part of this entry will be about the Oscar de la Renta Exhibit.
  • The second half is my dumb attempt to make something meaningful out of nothing or try to prove a stupid realization that came to me last night.

 

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I didn’t know what to expect from the exhibit.  I didn’t want to do too much googling or looking at other people’s experiences on social media.  I went Saturday morning, in a better than just ok mood with solid spinster vibes.  I did get some odd looks from other couples and families that were also at the museum but I tried to not let it get to me.  I saw some fabulous couples that were much older, cultured, and seemed happy.  Highkey jel.

It was impeccable!  I’m sure the first several days were amazing because towards the end of any exhibit, for whatever reason, there’s this slight lack of quality.  You kind of feel like you’re going through a sale rack at the last days of an exhibit.  I was handed a listening device that I didn’t think I’d need.  I thought it was for old people who were disabled visually and audibly lol.  I was advised to point at the squares and listen to the audio.  Ugh, I was definitely captivated by the first voice I recognized – almost immediately.  Andre Leon Talley.  I wanted to yelp – I was so excited.  It felt like he was leaving ME personal stories.  That was such a great feature.  I remember thinking… There has to be a way to capture all the audio online and just listen but no way.  Here are some more photos I took from my experience.  Unfortunately, my phone decided I had taken enough photos.  It wasn’t even telling me my phone was full – the camera app just simply would not take anymore photos lol.  I even deleted like 5-6 apps and 60+ older pics and nothing.  My phone definitely has a personality.

 

 

The pictures are in no particular order and I don’t think many of you care too much the actual size/detail of each pic.  Eyeroll emoji.

I entered the other exhibits; honestly the Indian exhibit was cool because of the preserved artifacts and whatnot but I wasn’t eager to know more.  I appreciated the preservation, the bits of facts, and the culture but I did a speedy walk-thru to see the Michelangelo exhibit.  Which was far more interesting to me.  Again, I wish I had photos.

The thing about going to the museum is… if the people you go with aren’t that interested, it either feels like dragging a dog that doesn’t want to walk or trying to keep an anxious dog steady at your pace.  I don’t mean to call people dogs but this is the best analogy I can come up with at the moment.  I’ve gone with people that just want to say they’ve gone to the museum and take pictures to seem cultured?  I don’t really know.  I go because I like taking in all the information, I consider the effort and quality, I get totally enveloped in the exhibit.  When I learned about this Oscar de la Renta exhibit, I knew I wanted to enjoy it with someone who either knew about fashion as much as me, at least knew or wanted to know more about the life of Oscar, and/or would appreciate art.  That would cancel out almost everyone I know.  I need more fashion friends.  Not just people who care about flaunting labels but people who understand style, fashion, art, and the creative people in the industry.

At the very end of the exhibit, the store only had 2 size small Oscar de la Renta shirts that two other girls picked up before I could.  They were at least medium-sized, I don’t know who the fuck they were kidding.  That was so frustrating to me.  They would not be able to fit it, that means they aren’t going to wear it, so it’s just a waste of a shirt.  SO upset about that.  I blame myself for killing time trying to get my camera to work.  I saw those girls throughout the entire exhibit.  They were like a crowd of cows that didn’t know or understand the exhibit.  They would stand in front of the exhibit, blocking other people’s view, and talking about literally their personal lives loudly.  They’d make small comments on the garments on display like they fucking knew a thing or two.  Yeah, I’m not fucking trusting THEIR opinion on style.  Lol, I’m very angry over a shirt.

Overall, very good experience.  I’m glad I went at the time I did.  I liked everything, I was tired of being alone and making comments to myself so I decided to leave.  After that, I went to pick up the little baby-sized items (emergency skincare, makeup, and lady shit) I left at the ex’s.  I literally just picked up my shit and left.  It’s not the kind of goodbye I wanted but he was sweaty from helping his father with yard-work and I am generally kind of cold.

Full Circle
I want things to be on good terms.  I hope I didn’t tear him down but he seems resilient, I only want the best for him and I don’t think I was that.  Splitting was best scenario for both of us.  This has to be one of the most awkward endings.  I have a problem knowing people don’t like me, for some people that don’t like me – if I don’t respect them, I don’t care to convince them to see me differently but I respect and care for him.  I think that’s why I try to make people laugh and like me.  How desperate of me lol.

I think it’s funny how when I first met him, we talked about the museum that first night and I think he mentioned he hasn’t been in many many years.  That should’ve been a sign for me.  There were other signs that night that I should’ve regarded as warnings but a huge part of me wanted to change/think less and let things flow.  I fucking let shit flow.  What makes this relationship come full circle is the shit we promised each other the first day we met; he’d take me to TopGolf and I’d take him to museum and neither of us did that for the other person.  Ultimately, those two things made us realize how much we actually wanted to be together – nowhere near each other lol.

 

Drink Meet

I call it drink meet, some people call it date.  I suppose it kinda sounds like saying “drink meat” and that is gross.

Song Currently Playing:  Dan Hartman – I can dream about you

Drink-Meet
I met a financier last night and it was just okay.  It’s nice to meet new people.  He wasn’t too try hard although he pulled out his Amex and it seemed staged.  We talked about finance and it made me miss my finance courses.  I had goals of actually doing something in finance and I let my misogynistic professors and father discourage me.  That’s the type of person I am.  As far as I could remember, I always let people’s words influence my decisions and compromise my future.  People I thought had my best interest; family, friends, and even teachers.

Break-up Diet
I haven’t really eaten in over 3 days lol.  I just don’t feel like it?  I chewed on a sandwich for lunch yesterday (Monday) and it was hard to finish so I didn’t finish it.  I had ONE old fashioned last night and it fucked a bitch up.  I knew it was stupid to go meet for drinks on an empty stomach but I did it anyway and when I got back to my car and drank 2 bottles of water before driving.  But before that, guy I met last night wanted me to drive him to his place lol.  I patted him on the back and told him to walk or Uber.  He texted me about 10 minutes later and asked for another date.  I went home and just crashed.  Best sleep ever.  I don’t think I even moved once.

Claiming Back My Time
Now that I have all this free time, I’m going to follow through and enroll in those real estate courses.  I bought an autobiography recently, so I’ll start reading that at night.  I’m going to either sign up for the gym/pilates.  I need to significantly reduce my shopping habits.  I have 2 other dates this week but not sure if I will commit to that.  Not looking to get plowed but just wanting an excuse to leave the house and talk to strangers.  But I need to learn how to enjoy time by myself again.  I need to figure out my meals.  I am SO over fast food.  I ate burgers so often the last few months, I see what its done to my body and it is so upsetting.  Burgers, pizza, and Mexican food is fucking great, ok?!  Don’t get me wrong.  I just don’t think it’s okay to eat it too often.

The Laptop Sitch
I asked a few of my tech friends about their suggestions and most of them were all over the place.  I have a perfectly good iMac at home – I’m going to tie myself to my desk and work on my projects there.  I’ve also decided on a camera so once it comes in, I’ll do my editing on the iMac and start uploading videos again.  Making a list of content but I want to be original.  Watch, my concepts will be so original, when you search for it you will find so many other people have already done it.  I’M SO UNORIGINAL is what I’m trying to say.  But it’s okay.  I’m going to wait for June/July for new Macbook releases.  I was going to get a Lenovo but they’re not good for video editing and any Adobe action?

 

 

Writing More Often

It’s been rough pretending nothing is going on with me while at work.  My boss is being classic dunce and thank goodness Evan is being more than a decent friend the last few days.  I appreciate him being more available via text even though he has a crazy work life.  Instead of unloading all this extra shit I feel, I’m putting it down here.  The loneliness is still nauseating.  So I’m gonna go out and try to feel something else besides that and condition myself to enjoy my free time again.

I can’t help but think of the times my exbf was “on one” and would talk to his brother.  It was so uncomfortable for me, I kept thinking his brother might address the issue in front of me, and it would escalate to a fight because it was so obvious.  Lately, I’ve been feeling like I enabled and abandoned someone with a serious problem.

Before we broke up, I watched Clueless for the 3-millionth time.  There was this scene where Cher talks to Tai…

Cher Horowitz: Tai, how old are you?
Tai Fraiser: I’ll be sixteen in May.
Cher Horowitz: My birthday is in April and, as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at a party, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
Dionne Davenport: Do you see the distinction?
Tai Fraiser: (clearly confused) Yeah.

Maybe I was the reason he lit up so much.  I’ll never really know.  I have to meet this new guy tonight and pretend I’m 100% lol.  I have to not mention my last relationship or be very brief, I have to pretend he didn’t mean anything to me, I’m not gonna let someone who didn’t really like or care about me impact a potentially decent thing and make me bitter about men/future relationships.  I’m going to be 28 in August, a good portion of me thought I would celebrate it with the ex but I’ll most likely be single/dating and I just hope the closer I am to 30 – it doesn’t kill my motivation to find a substantial relationship.  Ugh, I fucking think too much.

Feeling better but angry

It’s wrong because it’s so soon but I’m meeting with someone Monday night at Reserve 101 for drinks.  When I dated the ex, I abandoned my friendships, I stopped doing things for me.  We didn’t go out so when this new guy asked me what I like to do for fun, I almost said watching woodworking videos lol.  🙄

I felt like a trapped bird for a while and I’m anxious about going out.  Like looking good and going out.  I’m not interested in dating but I miss being out in the city.  I think the stage I’m at, since I was able to write out what happened and how I feel in the last post, I’m beyond the sadness but now resenting K for saying he felt worn out.  I was fucking worn out!!!  I fucking would’ve loved less time together to actually miss him.  At least he got shit done with me loitering near him.  I hate myself for letting him make me feel like he needed to see me every chance then say I was around too much.  If I recall, the Friday we were supposed to go to topgolf, he wanted me to come sooner rather than later and made me feel like I always arrived to his place too late. As if I would take my time getting to his place every time. Like I couldn’t have an hr after work for myself. Plus it would take 40m to get to him on a Friday after 5pm.  That particular night it took longer.

Before that, the last weekend we spent together, he had the nerve to say my contribution was very low.  Okay.  I’m not that hands-on with the actual project, but it’s not like he was trying to teach me.  What the fuck did he want from me?!  Woodworking wasn’t MY hobby.  I tried to be as useful as possible when I was there.  I cleaned his tub, which was very difficult.  I cleaned and organized the spare bedroom.  I got him a shoe rack and planned on replacing his hangers and have his clothes organized a certain way.  I folded his laundry if it was on his bed.  I even swept the garage anytime there was cutting action to reduce the sweeping he’d have to do at the end of the project.  I did that for him but I did it so I felt like I had some purpose being there.  So him minimizing my contribution felt like a slap in the face and I just remember feeling like a zilch.

I think I deserve a guy that would appreciate what I can offer instead of point out the things I didn’t or couldn’t do.  He thanked me anytime I did do something for him but I don’t know too many bitches that would’ve done what I did.  He kinda made it seem like that shit was worthless.  Smh, white privilege type of shit lol.  Nah, IDK.  He constantly tested my competence which was nice.  Good to feel like your partner makes you feel stupid.  Asking me if I had to take special testing at a kid.  I don’t wanna stay angry so I’m writing this out.  If I’m still angry at him, that means I still haven’t addressed all the problems I had.  I don’t wanna hate him.  I think his intentions were good but it’s odd to me how I had to really complain about the museum for him to say he wanted to end it.  Like wtf.  If I didn’t drunk text him, was he just gonna fucking drag this relationship out for a few more weeks?!  Months?! When was he actually gonna tell me?? 🙄🙄🙄   I guess I took a while to tell him how I felt but I was still sorting out my feelings.  It honestly felt like he couldn’t deal with my nagging about the museum so he decided to kibosh.

He mentioned our relationship was stagnant and I felt like clapping after reading that.  Yes, so stagnant.  I was talking to his friend Chris about my work and how I felt stagnant but in my head I was acknowledging how my relationship was also at a standstill. So reading that made me feel less guilty.  He went on to say we were too much alike and we didn’t have enough traits to complement each other or bring out the best in us or something.  I don’t remember.  I’ll admit I enabled him and I think part of him wanted me to tell him to quit smoking.  Not sure.  I just knew early on, I liked him so much.  I thought there was gonna be a future.  I even asked him to cut back on soda, as one baby step.  I just wanted him to be healthy and feel better.  But he couldn’t even cut that habit.  He was only 31 but he would exude this 35-37 essence about himself.  It worried me because uhh I’m 27, please have some energy ok.  It had to be the smoking that made him lazy, eat obsessively, and just passing out shortly after.  I have these photos to prove a point (but now it’s just creepy lol) of him being passed out while I was wide awake. 😒😔 I would lay there feeling lonely.  I so badly wanted us to sit through a whole movie and then talk about it afterwards.  Or just nice pillow talk.  Is that stupid?  I did that with the short term dudes I’d end up trashing.  Why couldn’t I do that with him?  Him passing out early forced me to sleep early.  Which I have a hard time doing when I’m at home – I think too much. It’s 330am rn 🙄 I’m done.

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub

Where to begin?

I’m writing this really late on March 15.

 

I never had serious trouble making the guys I dated take me somewhere I wanted but somehow my boyfriend doesn’t want to go anywhere with me unless it’s something he really wants to do.  The guys before him would spontaneously take me to new places and tried to make sure I had a great time.  I think my boyfriend sometimes tries but only to make sure I had a “good enough” time.  All I asked was to go to the museum with me.  He couldn’t even do that.  All I see are couples that do things together in public and it’s usually events the female wants to do and the male is just there. Even in the worst relationships I know of, the guy just does it. It’s been upsetting me for days; I even begged and he doesn’t seem to care.  I’m overwhelmed with the pace of our relationship, the situations that tests/tested our relationship, and how we communicate.

Timing is everything… but mine

I was so confident in our relationship 2-3 weeks ago.  It’s been officially 6 months of dating.  I don’t think he’s noticed.  I’ve been struggling with my personal time – present and future, and just not taking care of myself.  My free time revolves around him.  I drive to him.  I spend my weekends with him.  I talk to him after work and before bed.  We text throughout the whole day.  I appreciate all of that.  I adore it.  But in the midst of all that, I lost the time for myself.  Just time to improve who I am.  That’s not his fault, he’s better with his time than me.  I hope if he’s lost interest in me, he wouldn’t just waste my time.  I don’t know how he sees me.  Speaking of time, I’m very sad at the moment.  I don’t wanna sound dramatic, like this museum thing is the deal breaker but it just shows me how selfish he is.  I don’t know a time we did anything I wanted to do.  We’ve always done what he wanted to do.  I’m actually embarrassed to even mention to anyone my plans to the museum because people will assume he went with me and that’s not the case at all.  He’s supposed to be my boyfriend, he’s gonna let me go on my own?  At this point, I wouldn’t want him to go anyway.  It wouldn’t be genuine and he doesn’t even want to spend the time with me.  He’s perfectly fine with not seeing me this weekend and I feel offended.  I don’t feel like I have a boyfriend.  I learned the 6month mark is when the “honeymoon phase” diminishes and the couple should be left with true, no fluff, unapologetic realness of ones self.  And it’s accepted by other person.  And, if neither is saying “I love you” after 6months, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.  We hardly go anywhere.  Is he ashamed of me?  I’m gonna let some time pad the emotions I’m feeling right now so I’m not saying or doing hasty things.

If I work my way back to when things started to change, I could see where I messed up.  What I don’t appreciate is the tit-for-tat behavior, if that is the game he is playing.  I’m not ready to see his mom.  I’m not ready for him to see my mom.  Why do moms have to even be involved?!  Am I completely terrible for not wanting that??  He told me his father’s mother was sick and the family decided to go visit the grandma in Louisiana.  He went on to say how it would be nice to have me accompany him on his road trip to Louisiana and I could finally meet his mother.  I remember being flattered but also feeling it would be odd timing to introduce me when visiting a sick grandparent.  Plus he didn’t sound very serious on the idea.  When the time came for him to go, he told me his brother’s girlfriend was also going. I felt ill in that moment. I felt like he definitely doesn’t want me to meet his family and I was offended.  I didn’t think much of it bc I didn’t want to feel more offended. I remember rushing to leave and I tried not to hug him, I guess out of spite, but he opened his arms and waited for me to do the same. So I did.

After that, Friday was coming up and he suggested TopGolf. Something that’s been on our minds since we started talking. I had no problem with going because I genuinely wanted to go. Friday morning he told me he invited his brother and his gf. Any other time, I would’ve been okay with that, but it was the first time he ever suggested a real date situation and now it’s turned into a competitive double date situation. I only wanted to be with him and not invite other people. I felt like he didn’t want to be stuck alone with me. I felt like if I followed through with his plans for that evening, it would’ve been just a competitive match between him and his brother while I have awkward, forced conversations with his brothers gf. On top of that, I had a flood of intense emotions from pms but for whatever reason I kept thinking about not seeing him and the idea was intensely exciting.  The idea of just doing my own thing, not feeling like I was tied to him and I had to do everything he wanted to do.  Traffic was hectic because the rodeo and spring break. I wasn’t in the mood to be competitive and have politically correct conversations in case his bro’s gf was the type to be easily offended. As I mentioned earlier about not following through, I told him on my way there via text I wasn’t in the mood but would be down to go except I won’t be talking much. He called me upset and cancelled the plans. I actually cried 3 times while driving. *insert eyeroll emoji* Once I got there, it was the most uncomfortable atmosphere. He didn’t touch me or anything. Just cold and I felt abandoned while with him. I put my hand out multiple times and he didn’t. It was very hurtful. He took me to Galveston to eat and see his old residence then we met up with his work friends at a bar.  Once we started drinking, things felt semi-normal again.

EDIT:  I started this post but didn’t finish on Thursday, March 15 – picked up Sunday, March 18.

Except I wasn’t happy.  I think I let all the issues I had with him pile up to the point where I couldn’t stand being around him.  I had no idea how he felt about me or about the relationship but I knew that Friday morning he was excited about TopGolf, so I felt guilty the entire night.  Thinking back, that car ride to Galveston was killing me.  I wanted to be with him but I also didn’t.  All the smoking, the junk food, we never went anywhere, we could never really fully enjoy the time in bed because he would just fucking pass out.  I was enabling his bad habits but I was scared to tell him.  I can’t help but think if I had just been more vocal about how I felt and proactive in helping him then we wouldn’t have broken up this Saturday morning.

This past Friday night, I had dinner with Ammar to celebrate his birthday because I couldn’t make it to the main event Saturday morning.  Ammar planned on go-karts and I thought what a perfect time to invite my boyf with me because he had just mentioned it the past weekend.  I asked and he didn’t want to go so I changed up my plans for him.  This was my attempt to save something I felt was slipping.  My original plan for Friday night, my boyf would meet me at North Italia (as he said he would Wednesday night on the phone), I would have a room at Hotel Zaza for us, it was near the museum and that way the next day we wouldn’t have to travel far at all to MFAH.  The hotel thing was a chance for us to not have other distractions, to really connect, and to see if I could pinpoint the solution for us.  I was planning this at work on Thursday and walked away to do actual work.  When I came back to my desk, I felt overwhelmingly desperate because I wanted so badly for this idea to work – to prove our relationship could surpass this weird knot I had been feeling for weeks.  Much like the bump on the road before turning into his house.  That lousy bump I had to strategically avoid while turning always resonated to me in a weird way.  Like it was a reminder there was an issue I was avoiding.  I told him we should just see each other the next weekend and he could have time for himself.  I think I wanted him to be upset but knowing him I think he wanted some time too.  I decided to let the museum thing go but when I was peeing (where I do the best thinking) I thought about the other times I went to the museum with guys that barely knew me and I thought about other couples at the museum.  A friend of his, lets call him Tick, went with his psycho gf, lets call her Nobody, to the exhibit with the stupid light installations hanging from the ceiling.  It hit me, in these shitty relationships, the guys were still willing to go with girlfriends they barely liked or respected.  I was also factoring in my friend’s and their pseudo love relationships.  All the guys just fucking went.  How much does my own boyfriend not like/respect me?  It became the theme of the night.  I didn’t even want to talk to him on the phone that Thursday night and he didn’t seem to notice I was in a mood or he just didn’t care at all.  I went to sleep crying because I think I knew this was over and I was jealous of the obviously wrong/bad relationships still going strong.  I was very distant Friday and he still wasn’t saying things I wanted him to say.  The entire day, I kept thinking how did our relationship go so bad and is there a way to salvage it?  Time came to eat and drink with Ammar.  He was going on about school and work but in my dumb head I was getting tipsy and thinking about ways my boyf could surprise me.  I thought:  Okay, he can’t hate me, I’m not sure if he’s lost interest in me, maybe he will surprise me by being at the museum – he’ll look for me and I’ll see him at the corner of my eye, we embrace and things go right again.  I didn’t want to keep thinking that because I knew he didn’t have a romantic bone in his body and I knew he would never really go out of his way for me.

I decided to text him how I felt after 2 drinks in me.  He didn’t respond the rest of the night.  I got home at 11pm, I think, and I sat in my car thinking about how I wanted out.  I wrote out a text about ending it and how I’d pick up my little things I left at his place.  I sent the text to Evan first, in case I was being dramatic.  While I was waiting for Evan to review and make a decision, I made a list of things I wanted to do that he never committed to and I felt so upset like my ideas were trash.  Then I would think about all the times he mentioned how we should do this/do that and he didn’t commit to that either.  I reflected on the things we did when we were together and it was things he wanted to do.  As much as I respected his woodworking, I didn’t feel useful I don’t think I needed to be there every weekend.  He didn’t really include me or teach me.  I was just there to observe and I would’ve loved that time for myself.  I recall a time I wanted a weekend to myself and he immediately tried to guilt trip me as if I didn’t wanna spend time with him.  I felt obligated every week to see him and to spend the entire weekend with him.  So when he finally texted back early Saturday morning (I don’t know what time, my phone died so when I charged it – the texts were already there), he mentioned something along the lines of feeling drained or suffocated by the amount of time we spent together and that he didn’t see us as long term.  I felt relief.  I immediately texted back I’d pick up my things and we’d be done.  I didn’t feel anger or hurt.  I was confused because I was sacrificing my free time for him because he made me feel like I had to but this text… he made it seem like I was the one loitering and wouldn’t leave.  I agree about the part where he mentioned me not having my own space made it hard for him or whatever.  I would’ve looked for a place if it really bothered him.  I was saving a retarded amount of money for a Gucci or Chanel bag, and I was buying unnecessary things like the Chanel shoes, the Gucci shoes, Fendi Bag and other shit.  He could’ve told me to use it towards rent.  I could afford and manage my own place.  He never made it seem like it was an issue.  He’d bring up meeting my mom a few times that made me uncomfortable because I’m scared of that interaction.  If he thought I was mean, my mother was much worse.  My mom is 70! – very traditional/old-school Viet, was a teenager during the war, expected certain things from a male, and very superficial.  I did not want my mother making my boyf feel like he wasn’t good enough or judge him in any other way.

I read a lot about relationships and how people in my age range give up easily over the littlest things.  Our generation refuses to commit, even if they’ve been together for years, some couples can’t even talk about their future.  I thought about my future a lot in this last relationship.  I never did that before but I don’t know how realistic I was being.  Considering the person I am, how I put other people before me, and how badly I wanted to change to be the best version of me, I would’ve stayed in this relationship if he wanted to and I was unhappy.  That’s what I learned about myself.  Evan was too late when he told me to not send that break-up text that Friday night.  Evan was surprised my boyf basically broke up with me.  I mean, telling me he didn’t see us being long-term is like a euphemism for “bitch, this is done”.  I wasn’t really trying to figure out what we could do to fix it.  I could look for a place right now, I could be more honest and open with him, we could plan our schedules properly so neither of us would feel like time was being wasted.  But he also had, what I would categorize as addiction/attachment to smoking which made me so incredibly unhappy and a shitty girlfriend.  As an outsider, he definitely had an issue and he had been smoking for 10 years at that point.  The smoking after work, before bed, and throughout the day on weekends disappointed me.  I feel guilty for not telling him how concerned I was for him.  Work people had to know, even if he wasn’t smoking before work, he smoked with people from work and that gets spread around.  I don’t know if it interfered with a promotion he felt like he deserved but was given to someone else at his level.  His room would smell like it, his clothes sometimes, his car.  How could people at work not know?  But I knew and it changed the way I felt about him and our future.  He quit for two weeks, without me even suggesting it – I was so proud because I wanted him to quit for himself, and he went back to smoking because of stress.  I’m pretty sure it was the stress from not smoking that he just needed to learn to avoid.  So, do I think we could’ve lasted longer if he weren’t so dependent on smoking?  Yes.  I definitely would’ve been more talkative and let some walls down.  I hated repeated myself and thinking “whats the point in this? He’s not going to remember this moment.  He’s physically here but not mentally.  If I put all my energy in this, I’m going to end up feeling disappointed or getting hurt.”

Anyway, my mom witnessed me crying and having absolutely nothing to eat in 2 days.  I seriously haven’t chewed a thing in 2 days!  I tried to stay hydrated at least, so I don’t die.  Break-up diets, man.  They work.  I am finally unbloated and my belly is flat!  *hands praising or whatever emoji*  My mom felt bad for both people; me and him.  Which made me see her in a different light but today she kept saying he was a waste of time which made me more emotional.  I liked him a lot and I really wanted it to work.  It was 6months, half a year… but no, not a total waste of time.  I learned a few things about woodworking, I learned I can’t keep putting other people before myself because no one is looking after me.  I wanted to start my real estate courses for my license since the beginning of the year but when was I supposed to study?  He was taking up my weekends and he wasn’t suggesting we see each other every other weekend.  I didn’t want to offend him again by asking.  I learned I would’ve settled for something that wasn’t making me happy, I learned I was scared to voice my opinion, I learned this loneliness since the break-up has been fucking nauseating.  I felt free and happy Saturday morning then by night time it was just painful.  I liked missing someone, I liked caring for someone, I liked doing things for someone.  Which is a huge change from the person I was before.  Someone who would just use guys and trash after 2weeks/2months.  This guy taught me I could possibly love someone if I put down my walls and really fight for it.  Not sure if this was worth fighting for since he was smiling when I picked up my things lol.  Today I realized work from now on is going to seem a lot longer and I have this creepy boss that always makes me feel uncomfortable.  When I was in a relationship, for some reason, I felt safe and like I had a layer of protection.  Now I just feel unprotected and like a target.  I’m trying to remember the time before 6months ago, but I was unemployed lol so yeah.  I’ll just learn to deal with it.