I’m Difficult

I find reasons why I wasn’t able to continue certain relationships with people. I always look for reasons. It’s rare I let a relationship go through an incident to push to towards ending. I look back and see a lot of the guys that “weren’t good enough for me” in serious relationships now, it sometimes upsets me. Not terribly – I’m not regretful or angry. I eventually feel happy for them. I don’t necessarily feel like I am missing out but I get upset at how it comes so easy for some people. The flaws I saw in someone, isn’t a flaw for that new person, or maybe it is and they made it work. I’m sorry, mushy hands aren’t a deal-breaker for you? Although I look for reasons to end the relationship I also rely on guys to make me feel good about myself.

I went on a drink meet a couple days ago. One I didn’t think I would ever agree to go on because it was the snapchat lawyer guy. It had been a while since I last interacted with him, so I basically forgot everything about him. I agreed because I needed a reason to go out again. Get my feet wet with meeting new people and I suppose learning how to communicate in a covid world. When I think back on it, it makes me sick how I yapped the entire night about myself. I didn’t ask him anything important or anything to make him feel like I was interested in him as a person. I had been on a few drink dates in the past where the guy would go on and on about himself and not even ask me ONE thing. I was that guy that night. It hurts me just thinking about it. Even when this snapchat lawyer started with telling me he was one of four siblings and the youngest – I fucken stole the convo and talked more about dumb shit. He had moments talking about movies and comedy so I think that helps. I can’t remember if he said anything else. Also, desperately trying to remember a movie he mentioned I would like and I’m racking my brain. Keywords: Netflix, world war II, JFK. It’s fucking killing me. I basically walked away not knowing a thing about him. I seriously feel sick about how I interacted with him that night. Like, wtf did I think I was doing?! Some interview for a low budget podcast?! What irritates me is looking back on drink meets from the past, I was loaded with top notch questions. Just gems, shit you don’t normally ask on a first meet but I asked it. I loved getting responses to crazy questions. I am so embarrassed about how much I talked about myself because I don’t particularly have anything in my life worth repeating. I am sure his life is far more interesting. He’s a lawyer, that itself is more interesting than any dumb shit I have going on.

Okay, I got that out my system. I don’t want to see certain things about people. I don’t want to look for reasons to end something. Is it too late for me to change? But, do we remember when I decided to be NOT difficult and tried to settle for the Serbian and that backfired on me? I needed this year to really reflect and although I didn’t want to meet anyone, somewhat glad I did, it was a good test and it helped me determine I’m still not ready to involve any type of guy in my life. I was so offended when he didn’t even suggest another meet. I didn’t necessarily feel sparks and I was a complete jerk… But how dare he not even try to ask for another meet? But see, why do I care so much? Why does it offend me if I’m not interested?! My point is, I don’t want to be difficult. Not. Ready. For. Guys.

God, but looking back on that drink meet… He was a champ. Listening to my garbage, he was so incredibly nice, very handsome, great hair, good opinions on comedy, movies, and people. Genuinely a nice guy – not the type of “nice guy” that has to state it in a profile or declare it in real life. Not sure why he’s still on the market. I think he’s gold. Hey, but maybe he’s difficult too.

Country BUMPkin

I took great offense when Erik didn’t try to salvage whatever we had. I couldn’t figure out why I liked him so much at the time and I was honest when I told him whatever we had wasn’t fun anymore and I wanted to quit. In hindsight, I really wanted him to try harder to keep me so I could turn him down again. I’m a child. I don’t know why I do this. I’m terrible. I’m probably repeating a lot of what I mentioned 2 posts ago (which is in draft mode, I hate the way I worded some things) but I’ve still been feeling bad about what happened. Not so much guilt for what I did, (okay there’s a lot of guilt) but also more of a worthless feeling about myself. I may have resolved it!

If he was actually what he presented himself to be; someone refined, worldly, educated, and financially comfortable – his decision to settle for a country broad with 2 kids from a previous marriage to a ginger hick would make any reasonable person (aka me) feel inadequate. I think that is a fair reaction! Wouldn’t a sensible person settle for a young broad, with low self worth, that has room to be… impressionable, and mold-able be more appealing? Or whats more appealing: staying single, dating around, being a lothario. Am I so physically unattractive that I pushed a guy so far away he rather take on a country yellow bleach blonde lump and 2 burdens plus a hick ex-husband?!

So, yesterday I had a small procedure that has tied me to my bed for the next 2-3 days. Bored out of my mind, I decided to look at Erik’s Facebook. I look at his feature photo of him and her plus her kids. The photo was something you’d find as a meme for Florida, Nascar, Ultraconservatism, racism, and what happens when you don’t wear a condom. The lump was carrying a bump!

This is actually good news for me. Here’s why. I feel like Erik had to commit to something he wasn’t totally prepared for but this was one of his goals in life. To be a dad – so he’s pursuing that. I recall a conversation we had about children. I made the statement that I couldn’t focus at work because my boss brought in her kids and their cousins. 6-8 kids ages 3-10 were running around and screaming at the top of their lungs and I couldn’t even think. His response made me seem cold – as if I don’t like or want kids. He expressed he wanted many. Not only did this disgust me, it bothered me because it is so irresponsible to want “many kids” and not feel like you’re compromising the quality of parenting with each kid. Does that make sense? Especially without the financial backing to provide the best life. He mentioned his dad worked a lot, he traveled and didn’t spend enough time at home, and his mom basically sacrificed her life to be a stay-at-home mother. Why is that a life a reasonable thinking person wants to recreate? I find it so selfish! Yes, in an ideal world, I would have at least 2 kids, no trust issues with the father of those kids, and I wouldn’t being writing this dumbass post for this lousy attempt for a blog or whatever. That’s not how life works. While being a parent/mother is fulfilling, I can’t help but think about the missed opportunities these moms missed out on.

The point is: I feel some relief. Finally. Some justification for the actions that transpired during and after the ending of this nonsense I created. But I feel like dating is so scary. You really don’t know who the other person is no matter how much time you spend with that person – it could be a facade. Erik presented himself as someone who had his shit together. I think I wanted to like him so much because he physically looked the part for me, he wasn’t a dunce, seemed lost even at his age – I wanted to help him with that, and I really enjoyed his sense of humor. His humor showcased his outlook on life, his experiences, and his knowledge. He had some shortcomings but was a champ about it and he knew how to adjust accordingly! Erik lacked honesty, self awareness, and had an uncalibrated moral compass. I don’t usually feel this way often… Encountering someone with the right tools to succeed and do better, not use those tools to create something great but instead lead and recreate a life that only perpetuates the idea that the man can work and travel and the woman stays home to raise his kids and have food ready when he comes home. If or when he comes home.

No offense to anyone that has this lifestyle. I’m not actually super progressive but I believe in giving the woman a choice and chance to live her life too. Sometimes that means having children later in life… or not at all and adopting. Also, I could never raise a child in the world we live in now. I could not relive the struggle of being one of many kids – the lack of attention, food, and basic care. It’s not how I personally want to raise my kids. It may not seem like I want kids but I’ve conditioned myself to not expect… expecting. I refuse to want kids and reach a point in my life where it would be impossible or selfishly pressured to have kids.

At work, this guy I was in a meeting with asked me a lot of personal questions. I usually don’t mind because he was one of those types that didn’t grow up in a very diverse area. So any chance he has with a minority, it’s his time to ask questions. He asked a lot of the typical White guy questions but then the conversation trailed into family, kids, blending cultures and religion. Heavy stuff for a meeting about grease/protein removal at a commercial property. I mentioned I didn’t want kids. Mind you, this was days before my little procedure that wouldn’t necessarily determine but directly affect whether I could carry a child or not. That last sentence was stupid. But it would be my second cut. Meaning… I was mentally preparing myself for the worst so I was saying and thinking things that would make me less crazy for potentially bad news after my results. Jesus Christ, kimberly get to the point. This guy mentioned I should want kids and I should want many. I had been looking across a man who I thought was reasonable. Now he was saying things like “you should want many kids. I’m serious…”. I joked and said “oh, I get it. To cancel out all the dumdum people having kids” and he said “well, that too”. It was an interesting meeting. It was more like an interview, which I didn’t mind. I find that happens a lot when I am in meetings with just myself representing the company. Topic trails off into my personal life and people find me interesting for some reason. Asian spectacle?

Anyway, life goes on. It’s weird how a couple months pass and swift decision making changes the direction of our lives almost completely. For some, like me, not so much. To know what I know, I don’t know how Erik can manage what is going on and what is yet to come. Maybe my childish mind can’t wrap my head around the idea because I’m still in a selfish phase and I rather live for myself right now. I want to close the subject about Erik with the guilt I have. Guilt that has been building up for some months. For a while I knew he had been struggling financially but it wasn’t until after I ended things is when I was sure if it. I had my suspicions during our time together but he seemed so confident about it all. I’m feeling some sort of sadness that’s hard to sum up in one word. He put up a front to keep me around. Whether his intent to keep me long term or short, it doesn’t matter. I never want a guy to pretend to be someone he isn’t to be involved with me. He had been looking at apartments and settled for one that was a new development but not necessarily upscale. It didn’t bother me but I acknowledged that because it was an indicator of how much he could/was willing to spend on living. Look, I would’ve continued seeing him if he decided on living somewhere like… energy corridor, ok? Damnit, even if he settled on Spring. As long as the chemistry and sex was still strong. I’ve done a lot of dating in my life. Not to brag. It’s sad really lol. But with my experience, I typically know what I’m working with. Most of them cheap with food but splurging on their living and travel situation hard. Why not? 30-something, single, smart, financially comfortable, handsome types that also pay attention to designer/trendy must-haves. So when Erik decided on this particular place, I suppose that was one sign. One of a few that I ignored for the sake of not trying to pry or look for reasons to kibosh. Neither here nor there, that doesn’t mean the place was cheap, either. Erik was behind on property taxes every year. I felt partially responsible this year. Had he not felt pressured to rent a place because of me (he had been booking hotels for us and this was getting expensive) maybe he would have 15-18k set aside for his new country bumpkin baby on the way and pay those property taxes on time. Sending a gift is weird and creepy but I feel like I owe him. The guilt I have for all his efforts in the beginning of our… entanglement (that’s cool to say right now, right?) which seemed genuine. Me avoiding spending time with him on his birthday because I didn’t want whatever we had going on to mean more than what it was at the time. He spent that time alone at a resort hotel. I’m a jerk in many ways but he wasn’t honest anyway.

There is a memory that comes up often when I do think about my time with Erik. He made me watch “Dont F*ck With Cats” on Netflix KNOWING IT WOULD MAKE ME CRY. He asked me something along the lines of ever googling someone or wondering if I/myself would be so google-able? God, does that make sense? I went to Alief, forgive me. I wanted to tell him I googled him before and I tell him what I knew about him but instead I told him I wouldn’t be so track-able online because I’m not a total dolt. At the point, I knew a lot. I can’t tell if I would’ve treated him differently knowing what I knew about him. If I had not known it was his birthday when he invited me to go somewhere with him… I may have agreed to see him. Knowing it was his birthday weighed heavy on me because I didn’t want to ruin his future birthdays… knowing I would disappoint him at some point anyway. I’m rambling at this point.

In the financial position I’m in, I’m grateful I can spoil myself and 2 cats. I’m almost 30. That may sound old, they may sound young. I can continue to be selfish, that isn’t wrong. I will fix my face. I will fix my body. 2021, new me – physically lol. I’ll do what makes me happy. If I can find someone that can appreciate that, that would be nice. Meanwhile, I’m sure as hell not settling. I will not be tied down and live a life that is apparently miserable for at least one person in the relationship. That seems to be the trend with all relationships lately. Maybe this will be the reason why I end up alone but if I drink enough I’ll never be alone in my head. Dave Attell, anyone?

Limbo Kimbo

It’s not normal how shallow I can be.
Having said that, it’s confusing how oblivious others can be.
Let’s call this guy Erik.
Erik was someone I met in early 2017.  After having ended another short term relationship with a guy much older than me (some guy in law school who was also bar-tending full time – I felt he was too immature and not man enough), I went on a dating app and matched with Erik.  I agreed to meet him at Edison.  I guess at some point I googled him.  I thought I was finally dealing with a mature guy.  I learned he was some upper management at an oil and gas company my friend was working at, let’s call my friend Brad.  I had actually been on one or two dates with Brad.  Brad was the first guy I had gone on dates with that was my age.  Clearly it didn’t work with Brad, I felt like I was in high school when I was with him.  I’ve always been attracted to older guys.  Not significantly older but old enough to acknowledge I was at a different stage in life – much different than other dumb broads my age were at and this always made relationships difficult. Difficult because older guys seeking younger broads are immature but also under the impression they can get away with more but not with me. I have always been older than my age in many ways. I didn’t have the patience and they didn’t respect my time.  Or vise versa.

Anyway, back to Erik.  I felt like I wasn’t on a date but at a job interview.  He was older looking in person but more handsome – that was distracting.  He was almost the epitome of what I was looking for physically.  Tall, dark full thick hair, can grow a good beard, good build/masculine, good voice, good hands, good face.  I could go on and on about the traits that ultimately don’t matter at all.  I recall feeling small.  As in… dimwitted, ill-mannered, and brash with nothing valuable to share.  I told myself “you got here, it doesn’t have to go anywhere, make the best of it, you’ll never see this guy again” so I decided to just let go and be myself.  I felt like he was out of my league.  He had done so much and seen so much, what could I say that would keep his interest?  Nothing.  I didn’t care, I just wanted to get this job interview over.  He walked me to my car, I put out my hand to give him a business handshake, and he pulled me in for a kiss.  Which was a shock because he seemed so disinterested anytime I talked.  Anyway, it’s not until recently I learned that’s just his regular face.  If you asked him about it, he would blame it on being INTJ I guess.  We continued to text and he had suggested some bar meet at some point.  I felt like a child talking to an adult.  If you can’t pick up the general theme of my posts, I have extremely low self worth.  I wanted him to like me so badly, I thought he was a gem, I had been dating loser after loser after potential serial killer after loser.  When it came time to the day he suggested to meet again… he had some excuse about not having a car or needing to pick up another car and something about his knee/leg injury.  It offended me so badly that he couldn’t tell me beforehand or even suggest another day to meet.  I gave him a sassy text and deleted the entire convo and his contact.  I felt like a zero.  I was so attracted to who I thought he was and to have him reject me filled me with rage and sadness for a couple months.  At that point in my life, I had quit my job that overworked me and didn’t value me.  I was too prideful when they asked me to come back for double the pay.  I didn’t want to work with the same board members that questioned my worth.  Double the pay just wasn’t enough.  I was rejected by a guy who I thought was kinda perfect, I was unemployed, I was living at home.  It felt like I took steps backwards and ended up where I was when I had just graduated college.

Fast forward to late 2018/early 2019, I had been breadcrumbing a Serbian guy for many, many months.  You can read about that in previous posts if I kept them up but I’ll include a summed up version.  Pretty rotten of me but he always had open arms when I needed affection.  Before Serby, I was in a serious relationship with a guy I cared a lot for but was unsure about committing to because we had such different backgrounds.  He was too Southeast?/Pearland/League City and I was too city girl/Southwest/Alief.  That relationship taught me so much about myself, others, and life.  I wasn’t ready to be in another serious thing.  Even if it was meaningless with Serb, I needed to feel adored.  Something that was strongly missing in the serious relationship. I believe Serby genuinely adored me.  I appreciated that but I still didn’t like him.  I wanted to really like him but the physical stuff just wasn’t there for me. We had a lot of the same interests but I wasn’t attracted enough to want to stick around. His accent, commentary during movies, and juuling was all too much for me.  I was dating other guys while still seeing the Serbian.  I wasn’t hiding it but I also wasn’t sharing it either.  Why would I? Too awkward when he treated me so nicely.  This sounds bad but I had dated a lot of guys and I don’t remember what or who made me feel worthless but I was in another small pit.  Work was good, I had changed up jobs and was working longer hours that kept me out of trouble.  However the hours I had to myself, I was drowning in silence and boredom.  I don’t have too many hobbies or friends that share my interests.  I’m too much like a guy sometimes and the guy friends I end up meeting only want to fuck me. The realization I was only getting older, finding myself more lonely, I knew the Serbian was there for me.  Who was I to judge his appearance when I am not all that striking to begin with?  He was actually handsome just not my type.  Height was a deal breaker though.  I was asking for too much when I should have been grateful someone liked me for who I was.  I didn’t have to filter anything about myself.  Long story short, that ended. Badly.  And very immaturely – for both people.  Technically three people.

I met a guy named Jordan who seemed promising.  He was closer to my age.  He was very cute in a Ryan Philippe kind of way.  Not usually my type but I wasn’t in the position to be picky.  He was very superficial and I liked it.  Was in grad school, business program at Rice.  I felt like I met my match in some ways yet at the same time, I wasn’t interested in a relationship in general.  I felt like he was a good replacement for the Serbian.  Jordan asked me out a few times and I cared more about work than seeing him.  I was staying out of trouble but also didn’t care for his method of asking me out.  It was almost always last minute, like the day of.  It came off desperate and as if I was his last resort so I couldn’t allow myself to let him get away with that.  He might argue he is more spontaneous and doesn’t like to plan things.  Which is fair but I need a heads up.  Like 2-3 days lol.  I kept it cordial but made it clear I’m not that down for whatever whenever type of bitch. One of my close friends was getting married end of July and she asked me if I was bringing a date.  Specifically, she laughed and asked me who the next hottie I was gonna bring around.  To be honest, it made me feel like a sleaze, but I was also stupidly flattered.  I asked Jordan to be my plus one and he accepted.  He asked me all the right questions.  He made me feel good and confident.  He texted me late one night to come over and I got offended.  I thought I made it clear I wasn’t that type.  How could he get me so wrong?  I declined nicely and figured he wasn’t the petty type.  After all, he’s supposed to be a man right?  Do men act petty?  Apparently some do!  The time came for my friend’s wedding and I decided to remind him a few days before.  He asked me the time and then nothing.  I didn’t bother following up with other details.  I knew what was going on.  I gave him the chance to communicate until the day of the wedding (specifically, early that morning) I blocked him from my contacts and social media.  It was disrespectful to do what he did.

In the midst of the Jordan shit, I guess I had a drunk evening out with friends the night before my friend’s wedding and DMed Erik – who I noticed was following and watching my stories on Instagram for a while.  I didn’t care and didn’t have any intent to do anything… until I got desperate.  I discovered his account when I noticed his handle kept popping up anytime I looked at my viewers list. He didn’t have any actual pics of his face posted but I watched a video post and realized it was THE Erik that ghosted me during the big pit of my life in 2017.  I think I sent “sup” around 11pm and I got a response early next day.  We agreed to meet up after the wedding.  It was understood we only wanted one thing from each other.  Except it didn’t work out that night.  He passed out early and I didn’t leave the wedding until 1130pm.  I had already planned for a bunch with my friend Stephanie the next day and work after.  While at work, Erik wanted to spontaneously meet up and I agreed.  He booked a room at Hotel Granduca and it was great time.  It felt like two old friends that barely knew each other… catching up.  Except when I deleted his contact from my phone/life in 2017, that date and all those details about him went with it.  I couldn’t remember basic things about him.  Except one conversation when he told me he was out to meet up a friend for drinks and invited me but I declined.  He told me later that night his truck had gotten keyed or scratched.  He asked me if I did it and I laughed and said no.  He said it seemed like a crazy bitch thing to do, that’s why he asked me.  The whole thing was so new, I didn’t know how to react to that.  Naturally, if it were someone I knew for a while I would’ve taken it as a joke and banter back but after 2 weeks of chatting and calling me a crazy bitch seemed… strong.  I let it go at the time because I liked him.  Sitting up in the hotel bed with him, this is the only conversation I could think of.  He was rewinding John Wick 3 and trying to grasp the plot bc we kept missing it during the multiple rounds of sex and I was in my thoughts about what was going on.  I finally had sex with the guy I liked so much and it was great. But why?  I barely knew him.  And the only thing I had on him was when he indirectly called me a crazy bitch and not committing to that second date.  I asked him what type of movies he liked and he mentioned he liked rom-coms.  That surprised me bc that’s a genre of movies I dislike.  I remember looking at him when he said that and didn’t know if I could believe it – if he was even capable of being romantic.

I was in the middle of another pit in my life when Erik decided I was finally worth his time.  All my friends were either getting engaged, having weddings, or giving birth.  Reaching milestones and I was having kidney stones.  Just kidding, I just wanted to say that.  I was busy being self absorbed, finding excuses to ruin potentially good relationships bc I have trust issues, and not bettering myself in any way.  Erik had just moved back to Houston after having spent a year or so in Miami working some engineer position at a theme park.  I never wanted to ask too much about his life.  Didn’t want to seem nosy or wanted whatever we had to evolve to anything more than it was.  I wasn’t ready, I had my own issues, I didn’t feel like I deserved knowing.  He was giving me attention and the affection I wanted.  I just wished it was at a time in my life I felt better about myself.  I didn’t want to find myself bending over backwards for someone, changing who I am, to maintain a relationship that wasn’t honest.  So I continued to plan my life without him.  Meaning, if he wanted to see me, I wouldn’t be so available.  If he wanted to do something with me, I’m not available.  He even asked for work dates a couple times, which was so cute and totally doable, but I lied and said I couldn’t.  I wasn’t going to change up my schedule for him until I was more confident and he opened himself to me without me trying to dig.  He tried, I suppose.  He wanted to see me but I was busy.  I went to San Fran and he asked to meet with me and I declined even though it would’ve made me so happy.  Little break from my cousins and some exploring of a new city with a new guy.  But I was stern about not being available for guys just bc they’re handsome and I liked them.  He asked to pick me up from the airport, I declined.  He planned for something to do together once I came back and I dodged the idea.  It was up in the air and I kept it that way.  He even said he felt a certain way about me rejecting him.  I had to reassure him that I was still interested but just busy.  If you know me, I do a good job of googling a person.  A really good job.  I knew it was going to be his birthday around the same time I came back to Houston.  He was planning for something to do together.  I didn’t want to be involved.  I didn’t want the pressure – knowing it was his birthday and things were so new… liking him so much.  I didn’t feel like I was good enough.  I kept him hanging until the day we had tentatively agreed to meet up.  I purposely worked longer that Friday as an excuse to not meet up.  He was great about it considering he had something planned and it was his birthday but clearly unhappy and disappointed that I didn’t make an effort to see him.  He was texting differently.  I didn’t want to care, maybe I was still upset by the way he treated me the first time.  I made plans with friends that weekend and he spent his bday weekend alone at some hotel near/in Galveston.  I wanted to be with him badly but again, I did not like the pressure of knowing it was his bday and he wanted to spend it with me.

He came back to Houston and made passive aggressive conversation to make me feel guilty I guess.  He never told me it was his bday so I really did feel guilty anyway but when he finally told me I had to pretend like I didn’t know.  I felt like a fraud.  I can’t remember what sparked the light argument we had but he said something along the lines of “it shouldn’t have mattered, if you wanted to see me you would’ve. You didn’t want to”.  He doesn’t understand how complicated I am.  I wanted to be with him but it was too serious for me.  Even if he somehow loved me, he still wouldn’t understand me and how I process things.  He’s not the type to understand.  I’m too deep in my feelings and he doesn’t even acknowledge his own.  This was what we did for months until end of January.  He had to deal with my inconsistencies and I was still trying to figure out why I liked him so much.  There were times we’d hang out and I’d come back home either feeling certain it was over or I felt like I was in limbo.  I didn’t dislike him but I didn’t find myself giddy to be with him.  Yet I couldn’t let go of the idea of him not being mine.  I was possessive over a guy I wasn’t even obsessed with.

I thought I could keep him interested as long as I wanted.  I thought I had a good sense of his taste and preferences in women.  I didn’t think he had any prospects or at least good prospects that would threaten my thing with him.  I thought I had time and he could wait for me when I was ready.  I shouldn’t have assumed that and I can’t expect people to wait for me.  Especially when there’s a 9-yr age gap.  I had some idea of what he liked, according to his IG following list.  The common thing were these young girls desperate for attn / IG model types but unremarkable in real life.  Then a different following for raunchy, ass n tits in the air types that clearly had inconsistent father figures in their lives.  Ugh, don’t we all?  This didn’t bother me. He didn’t seem to follow any Asians which made me feel weird.  I guess it’s better than him having an asian fetish and following a shitton of asian girls. That would turn me off 100000%. Anyway, the types he seemed to like were blonde and trashy.  I figured it was a common thing most men like.

Which brings me to the point, he’s officially in a relationship.  Just two months after we stopped talking.  Doesn’t make sense.  It means he was already talking to her when he was tangled in my bullshit I weaved.  I don’t want to hate that lady.  I say lady bc she’s older than me.  She has two kids, recently divorced but could still be legally married, not even cute.  Which is so confusing.  That’s mean of me but it seriously offends me, makes me question my looks, makes me question what he found attractive in me, makes me wanna puke.  But it’s also a relief.  If she was actually really attractive, smarter, and more successful than me, I would be miserable.  That’s something guys wouldn’t understand but females get this.  Considering her background and his background, they would make a better couple.  I was somewhat happy for him and even for her.  I know how tough it is for females in general, especially her age AND she has kids.  It surprises me Erik would be interested in that.  It seems like a big load to suddenly take on.  I couldn’t help but look into her fb and noticed she’s related to Erik’s cousin’s wife or something.  That’s cute I suppose.  She had tons of albums that showcased different stages of her life.  If she was a bright person, she would hide or delete some of those moments.  She still had pictures of her first engagement (low class type of guy), second engagement/marriage she had kids with (who is a ginger country bumpkin), and then now Erik?  Does he realize this makes him look bad??  It seemed all too… Hillbilly-esque.  I can’t help but look at her family and see extended cast of Roseanne.  THIS is what bothers me.  Erik didn’t want to try anymore with me. Which is fair, I didn’t make it easy for him or make him feel valuable.  I didn’t respect his time or his efforts, especially in the beginning.  But to be involved with a mom that comes off unrefined, unaware, and generally underdressed for all occasions screams low self worth.  Erik had signs of it that I didn’t want to acknowledge because I didn’t want to feel like I was involved with an older version of the Peter Pan Symptom types I was so used to dating.  I’ll never do that again. I’ll never deny the signs just to avoid the truth for the sake of pretending like everything is great.  Erik was cynical, relentlessly sarcastic, and had a defeated energy you could feel an arms length away.  I always wanted him to feel comfortable enough to confide in me without me trying to pry it out.  There were clearly things in his life he carried on his back that weighed him down.  There was something he wasn’t saying but who was I to expect him to confide in me, to try and figure it out or help him, when I was rejecting all his efforts.  I wanted to connect with him so badly but maybe I should’ve been the first one to open up.  He doesn’t even know 1/10 of who I am.  He may think I’m some entitled, superficial, uninformed, pseudo-smart millennial.  I’m all that and much more!!  I hate that he’ll never know and I wasted all that time being unclear about my feelings for him. I mean, I still don’t understand my feelings for him. I don’t necessarily see myself with him for many years but I thought we’d share quality time in different ways. Does that make sense?

I am frustrated he doesn’t know me.  I am offended he doesn’t know his own worth and settling for someone who would TOTALLY cheat on him with a dark dude and monster dong.  She seriously seems like that type that would have a side thing with a co-worker.  She also seems like a vet at buttstuff.  Judging from past convos, I’m sure they’re deviants in the sex realm and this is probably what their relationship is based on.  I’m not sensing very cerebral, meaningful, cultural, or erudite convos with this broad.  I’m not trying to be mean but considering her photos and her poor taste in men, she seems like that mom that also wants to drink with her daughters and flirt with their male friends. 

I’m disappointed he doesn’t see that working a little harder on himself could open doors to a better way of living and better class of women.  I mean, that excludes me but I would like to see him with someone better than me.  It would hurt me, the realization that I was passed for someone better but at least she would be better looking, highly educated, good family background, etc.  Seeing a guy with so much potential settle for someone who has no potential feels like a loss in many ways.

He always seemed a bit self conscious about his age.  Not sure if our age difference made him feel that way.  I always tried to make him feel like age didn’t matter.  But in some cases, how could it not matter?  9 years is a lot.  That’s how long my father was in prison/concentration camp when the war ended.  That’s a whole decade gone.  Erik once mentioned he had no faith in humanity, I wanted him to be more optimistic about ppl and life and be less cynical.  I wanted the opportunity to challenge him to be a better version of himself.  I sensed a highly intelligent but defeated (for whatever reason) person under his beard.  I felt like he was hiding behind that beard of his.  Hiding from adulthood and I suppose hiding a double chin.  I was happy he had hobbies in his life to keep his mind occupied.  I am so unimpressed with the person he decided was good enough to make the relationship official with on fb.  Maybe I think too highly of him? Maybe I’m totally wrong about his potential?  Perhaps this is who he is and I should accept this as the truth?  The fact that I’m offended, am I trying to justify the feelings I had for him by painting him as someone better on paper but not in real life because I’m embarrassed by his recent choices?  Am I too serious and particular about who should be classified as a significant other? 

I thought a gf/bf was support but also a reflection of what you value in others and what they can teach you.  I just sensed he is a bit lost in life. Like most of us.  I know I care too much about how others think of me but this means I have standards and I know how to be embarrassed.  I know he had insecurities and being close to 40 probably made him stressed in unnecessary ways.  I hope this lady challenges and motivates him in a good way.  I can’t help but feel he is settling for someone simple to live an easier, less complicated/competitive life, that doesn’t require him to work any harder than he does now.  I don’t wanna be all asian but it makes me think about the stresses of being a parent.  At least, being an asian parent.  Having certain expectations for your kids, knowing their potential, and letting them dissolve that potential has to hurt to witness.  I think too much.  All he needed was the energy to force him in situations to do better, thrive in those challenging environments, and BE better.  He had this general mood as if “this is my life, I’m done”.  I guess he lived up his 20s traveling, worked hard in his 30s, and he wants to plateau in his 40s.  I could be totally wrong and he’s not who I think he should be.  He could be already living as the person he’s supposed to be, genuinely happy, and I’m fucking dramatic as shit.  But sober.

Plan B…oy, am I fucked.

No one talks about it openly but I know many ppl that have had to use/buy plan b.  Most ppl don’t have any issues after they take it.  Lucky them!  The couple of times I’ve had to take it, most miserable experience ever.  I’m gonna be real and tell you I recently had to take it again. I’m highly disappointed in myself.  I’m 28, I never thought I would have to take it more than once in my life.  I’ve always been responsible but accidents happen.  I’m reaching my allotment for these accidents.

I met with an ex last Saturday to “catch up”.  I still don’t understand why he decided to reach out after 7 months.  I had so many questions I wanted to ask but I didn’t want to open something that was closing.  I suppose some things are just better not knowing.  To stay sane.  It had not dawned on me that it had already been 7 months.  He mentioned we were apart longer than we were together.  That shocked me because the time we were together felt like such a long time.  We did spend far too much time together.  After time has passed and keeping busy, looking back, I can see where I should’ve been more vocal and demand the time I needed for myself.  I suppose I liked him so much, I didn’t want to risk it by changing a routine.  That routine made us sick of each other.  I don’t know if things would’ve been any different in the end anyway.  When I had to take him home, the drive made me realize we live so far from each other and I did that drive every freaking Friday after work and Sunday evening or Monday morning.  Not saying he wasn’t worth it but I must have really wanted it to work.  I don’t drive that far for anyone lol.

Anyway, he looked good that night.  I couldn’t really tell if he was genuinely happy or just content.  He mentioned how we’re both generally negative which is true.  I am still that way but I know I make an effort to be positive.  I think about the worse scenarios to prepare myself and set low expectations.  Is that wrong?  With all the things that have happened to me recently; getting robbed at gunpoint, having to get a new car, changing jobs, GAINING WEIGHT, and other little things – I feel like I’ve been handling it all pretty well.  I can still laugh, I make the effort to go out, I try to date, I try to learn everyday.  At some point I realized I missed him a lot but I couldn’t decide if reconnecting with him would be bad for both of us.  I mostly miss communicating, just telling him what has been going on.  I feel like we would’ve been very decent friends if we knew how to not fuck each other bc that’s what ended up happening. It shocked me when he told me what he wanted to do with me sexually.  When we were together, I had to condition myself to be okay with the idea:  he just doesn’t like me enough to do certain things with me – and I was just going to be okay with it. I wish he had just done what he wanted when we were together.  It would’ve given me more confidence and assurance that he actually liked me.

We did what we wanted and I don’t regret it.  But he splooged in me and neither of us are ready to be parents.  As much as I want a baby, MORE than wanting a consistent boyf/husband, I didn’t want to have one that way.  It would’ve been selfish, complicated between me and the ex, and parenting styles would be very different.  I wasn’t gonna wait a month and assume I would be okay.  I also decided abortion is not an option for me.  It is for others, I feel like it should be enforced for some, lol but not me.  Plan b was the most reasonable option.  The most frustrating thing is… the symptoms I go through. Deeply emotional, abdominal pains, pelvic pains, my ribs ache, and the constant empty bloated-ness.  I probably cried like 3 times today at my desk at work.  Just letting a tear roll each time and sucking it back up and keeping busy.  The sharp pains every other hour was a nice reminder I had to deal with this alone/being quiet.  This is not something like when ppl have a common issue, for example, a tummy ache or headache and tell everyone around them.  “Oh man, I think what I had for lunch is giving me problems” or “drinking last night is giving be trouble this morning”.  Yeah? Well… “the plan b I had to take from unprotected sex I had Saturday really got me fucked up”.  Dealing with this alone is depressing.  I can’t reach out to the ex because I don’t want him to think I need him but I do.  Just as support.  Ya know, because he did this to me lol.  I never felt comfortable enough to confide in him about little things.  I know if I had an issue while we were together, he would’ve been there, but I would’ve felt like a burden.  A lot of my female friends bother their exes when they need help.  I can’t imagine doing that with this ex.  I think I know him well enough to assume he would rather not know.

I don’t know what that night really meant for either of us.  Maybe this is closure?  Maybe something we could do every 7 months lol?  I know I care a lot about him and I want him to be happy.  I would love to be friends but I don’t know if that’s realistic after what we’ve been through.  He asked if I ever fantasized about him and I wanted to lie but I told him the truth.  I didn’t tell him I thought about him often.  So many times I’ve seen a certain meme and I couldn’t show him.  I would think about him when I see something related to woodworking.  I think about him when I get whataburger and that weird request I made him do – record himself eating a whataburger when I was recovering from my tonsillectomy.

I don’t know.  To be so close to someone and pretend like you don’t know that person anymore is hard for me.  He’s seen me throw up, I’ve seen him throw up, but I can’t tell him the plan b pain I’ve been having??!  It definitely has altered the way I approach dating and guys that want a relationship.  Like the Serbian guy I’ve been dodging adores me, but I literally push him away.  I LITERALLY scootch at the very end of the bed when he wants to hold me.  I just don’t want his love lol.  But with the ex, I don’t mind it when he holds me in the middle of the night.  I actually kind of love it.  I guess that confuses me too.  Holding him and letting him hold me felt comfortable, good, and sweet.  But I don’t necessarily see myself going through that again.  MY POINT IS:  going through this plan b pain is hard.  It’s disappointing.  It’s embarrassing.  I have to explain myself tomorrow at the gyno and my doc will judge me with his eyes.  Uggghhhh.

I might agree to another drink-meet this Friday to distract myself.  That’s how I’ve been treating dates lately.  They’re a good distraction from the realization I am single, I’m 28, and all my friends are getting married.

Btw it’s weird; a lot of the Peter Pan Syndrone guys have been asking for dates and I’m not giving some pseudo lothario any chance of feeling good about himself when he’s not even that remarkable.  He can go fuck himself or the dumb zilch that thinks she’s a model and some apartment leasing mogul.  I can do another post about the odd dates I’ve had recently.

Peter Pan Syndrome

I always thought I would get married and have kids by a certain age.  I am realizing, considering the pace I’m going and the way my generation is behaving, I most likely won’t have any of that.  As depressing as that may sound, I know it can’t be that bad to be single for the rest of my life.  I still have lots of growing up to do, understanding people (myself included), exploring life outside Houston/Texas, AND there’s always good friends, hobbies, and cats!  It seems to me women are easier and men are more inconsistent than ever.  How do I condition myself to want something different?

Peter Pan syndrome is real.  I’m tired of being disappointed by men; Should I say boys?  Of course not all men.  The last guy I decided to stop seeing was and has been very good towards me.  I just wasn’t super attracted to him and I didn’t want to learn to like/love someone.  I guess I could name a handful of very decent guys, which still gives me some hope.  The ones I always seem to be attracted to are the most inconsistent males ever and their actions make me think or feel like a zilch.

Someone who started following me years ago on Instagram did nothing to make me want to follow him back.  I think it was one mega slow, boring day at work sometime in 2016 when I noticed he liked one of my pics.  I actually acknowledged his likes before but didn’t care enough to check out his account until that particular day.  He was surprisingly attractive in a Tom Cruise mixed with Patrick Bateman/American Psycho kind of way.  I decided to follow back.  Neither of us did shit except like each other’s posts until he decided to take a serious interest in me in March of this year.  Hah, it was actually 1 week or so after my breakup with the ex.  I thought this was a sign.  That’s the asian/Buddhist in me – tryna find a (mis)fortune, karma, or symbolic reason for everything.  He asked me out and I agreed to meet him for drinks.  I honestly put zero effort in appearance because… 1 – I assumed he was going to be 5’10; 2 – I assumed he was probably better looking in pictures than in real life; 3 – I wasn’t looking for anything but time to get away from work and home so I wasn’t consumed of negative thoughts about my breakup.  Anyway, I was wrong about my assumptions and we spent a significant amount of time together.  We met at 7pm on a Monday night; Mostly talking, drinking, and making out at multiple places around downtown until 2:30am.  I remember thinking “I like this guy too much and I don’t feel bad about it”.  He was talking at me and all I could think about was how much I was ready to settle for something I wasn’t even happy in just 1-2 weeks ago when someone who I had better conversations and more things in common with had been following me for years.  I also remember thinking “he’s awfully open and talking a lot about personal stuff, he can’t be looking for something casual, he’s not a fuckboy”.  Well boy was I wrong.

He kept suggesting we go to his place since it was getting late (should that have been a sign?) and I said I couldn’t do that so soon considering I had just gotten out of a relationship and it was our first meet.  He was respectful and we just continued to make out but I guess I brought up the idea of seeing him again.  I mean, I thought that wasn’t too far-fetched from reality.  The amount of making out and talking we did would make even the random hobo who asked us for change assume there’d be a second meet.  He said something along the lines of “we should do a proper date; dinner, drinks, and something” and I agreed.  The amount of making out was kind of ridiculous.  We agreed to see each other in a week because he was going to San Diego or whatever.  He texts me next day in the morning, I try my best to text back (I wasn’t too speedy with my responses because I was working) and then he was dead by 2pm.  I assumed he was consumed by is travel plans and work so I didn’t try to reach out again.  He decided to do the same.  Until a month later he decides to comment on my IG stories.  I never responded.  He commented as if he didn’t owe me any explanation on zero communication for a month.  I understand he doesn’t really owe me anything but he can’t expect me to not be offended by what he did then just be so willingly to communicate again.

Some Peter Pan signs that I should’ve regarded:  35 years old.  I asked him when his last serious relationship was and he said 4 years ago.  Meaning, the last 4 years he’s just been dicking around.  He had just bought a condo; 1 bedroom.  That’s pretty clear he likes his single life and not looking to share space with someone else.  He had a dog for a long time but ended up having his mother take care of it.  That kind of screams “I suddenly don’t have time or energy for this dog I’ve had for many years and I’m giving up”.  Doesn’t that say a lot about how he would be in a long term relationship?  Lol am I being too asian?  He expressed his goals were to find someone to marry and have kids but his actions, not the ones involving me (or lack of actions), seemed to point opposite direction.  Judging from his social life, how he lives minus the social life, and the people he considers as friends, he is certainly Peter Pan-ing.

Another guy I decided to meet about a month ago from a dating app was someone I had actually matched with before.  When I was still in college!  It was during finals, my last semester.  He obviously did not remember which is fine because I didn’t want to explain my past.  I was surprised to see this guy because I remember thinking he was too handsome to be single but he must be an elite lothario, lol.  That’s how I even remember the guy.  So we met and we did stuff.  I think it was clear there was no sparks.  Next day, after I left his place I realized I never thanked him for the drinks and I could’ve just not cared and gone silent but I hated the idea of someone thinking I was ungrateful, ill-mannered, and so entitled or something.  I thanked him via text and mentioned how someone noticed my pink Chanel boots.  I was genuinely really happy about that bc that was a tough elevator ride.  I looked like upper middle class whore but that elevator lady was so incredibly kind for making me feel less ashamed.  Oh, back to the point.  He said something like I’m welcome to more awkward walks of shame – or something!  It wasn’t something offensive, I mean it could’ve been to most ppl lol but I wasn’t bothered.  Even that, as casual as we set the tone of our connection, he never suggested another time to see me.  Which fucken confuses me because I thought we had decent conversations and I was a decent broad.  I was fully engaged and kept the subjects flowing without getting too deep – no matter how bothered I was by my pimple and how I had very low energy.  I was keeping it real, not fronting but also nothing too obnoxious.  I even drove in my mothers old ass Lexus because my dumbass keeps locking my steering wheel somehow.  Btw, I learned how to unlock it quickly… kind of.

He made zero effort after that night and gave me zero signs of interest.  I was impatient and other prospects were forming a line so I decided he wasn’t going to do anything else with me.  Last weekend, I post some dumb video on my IG story and he finally decides to show some interest.  I could’ve been offended but I wasn’t.  We agreed to meet before his trip to Turkey and he cancels on me the day of our meet.  Clearly I didn’t want anything but to hook up and kind of make up for how uncomfortable I was during… stuff but apparently he just didn’t care enough to even do that with me.  Why even agree to see me if he knew he didn’t want to?!  Why even reach out to me?!!  I remember asking him his goal in relationships when we first met – which is maybe odd to ask.  He responded, not verbatim “someone who I can have fun with…” then my mind just decided to forget everything else he said lol.  I don’t know what that really means.  I feel like he’s inconsistent, flaky, and keeps things ambiguous because maybe he’s talking to multiple broads.

I honestly didn’t think too much about it until yesterday… when I realized the only guys I’ve been talking to lately have been 35-36.  I’m 27, that’s almost a decade difference in age, why would these older guys be interested in me and how young are they willing to date?  What does that say about them and what they’re looking for?  Do men ever get to a point and think “meeting someone with substance would be nice bc dying alone sucks” or do they mentally prepare and look forward to that?  Men don’t seem to work that hard on getting what they want from a girl because we make it so easy for them.  So they don’t have to commit to anything.  I feel like a complete dunce at the end of the night or next day considering some of my actions lately.  Why don’t I know when to properly end the night after 1-2 hours?  What respect do I have for myself letting it drag on for 5-6 hours or the entire night until next day?  Why do I set myself up, set high expectations for people, and allow myself to get disappointed?  I know some female friends that go through the same inconsistencies and/or more complicated situations with guys.  It’s not just me.

I can’t remember a guy basically turning me down.  This is twice now and it’s really upsetting/disappointing.  It’s really got me feeling like a zilch and I know I shouldn’t take it so personally if I’m so firm on the idea of every single man out there having Peter Pan Syndrome.  I can’t be the only one experiencing this.  I’m so down and out about myself I almost considered reaching out to the crazy exbf who probably would’ve beat me and/or eventually killed me lol.  But that’s how much he liked me!  Passion, that’s my point.  And he was consistent!  Joking.

This post is so sloppy, sorry.

I will admit, I do miss the texts and calls from the last relationship.  I don’t necessarily miss the relationship – just the idea of someone concerned or wanting to talk and being available.  During my cardio session today, I thought about how some females could rely on their exes if they ever needed help.  I don’t even think I could consider asking the last exbf.  I don’t know if he really cared for me the way I cared about him.  Even though I wasn’t happy or seriously liked him, I genuinely enjoyed taking care of someone.  I miss that as an option.  Ppl tell me I’m young and there’s time but I’m being realistic about my future and the likelihood of me actually getting what I want.  Meeting someone that you could spend the majority of your life with and raising kids together is probably some of the best things to experience but it doesn’t happen to everyone.