Wubba Lubba Dub Dub

Where to begin?

I’m writing this really late on March 15.

 

I never had serious trouble making the guys I dated take me somewhere I wanted but somehow my boyfriend doesn’t want to go anywhere with me unless it’s something he really wants to do.  The guys before him would spontaneously take me to new places and tried to make sure I had a great time.  I think my boyfriend sometimes tries but only to make sure I had a “good enough” time.  All I asked was to go to the museum with me.  He couldn’t even do that.  All I see are couples that do things together in public and it’s usually events the female wants to do and the male is just there. Even in the worst relationships I know of, the guy just does it. It’s been upsetting me for days; I even begged and he doesn’t seem to care.  I’m overwhelmed with the pace of our relationship, the situations that tests/tested our relationship, and how we communicate.

Timing is everything… but mine

I was so confident in our relationship 2-3 weeks ago.  It’s been officially 6 months of dating.  I don’t think he’s noticed.  I’ve been struggling with my personal time – present and future, and just not taking care of myself.  My free time revolves around him.  I drive to him.  I spend my weekends with him.  I talk to him after work and before bed.  We text throughout the whole day.  I appreciate all of that.  I adore it.  But in the midst of all that, I lost the time for myself.  Just time to improve who I am.  That’s not his fault, he’s better with his time than me.  I hope if he’s lost interest in me, he wouldn’t just waste my time.  I don’t know how he sees me.  Speaking of time, I’m very sad at the moment.  I don’t wanna sound dramatic, like this museum thing is the deal breaker but it just shows me how selfish he is.  I don’t know a time we did anything I wanted to do.  We’ve always done what he wanted to do.  I’m actually embarrassed to even mention to anyone my plans to the museum because people will assume he went with me and that’s not the case at all.  He’s supposed to be my boyfriend, he’s gonna let me go on my own?  At this point, I wouldn’t want him to go anyway.  It wouldn’t be genuine and he doesn’t even want to spend the time with me.  He’s perfectly fine with not seeing me this weekend and I feel offended.  I don’t feel like I have a boyfriend.  I learned the 6month mark is when the “honeymoon phase” diminishes and the couple should be left with true, no fluff, unapologetic realness of ones self.  And it’s accepted by other person.  And, if neither is saying “I love you” after 6months, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.  We hardly go anywhere.  Is he ashamed of me?  I’m gonna let some time pad the emotions I’m feeling right now so I’m not saying or doing hasty things.

If I work my way back to when things started to change, I could see where I messed up.  What I don’t appreciate is the tit-for-tat behavior, if that is the game he is playing.  I’m not ready to see his mom.  I’m not ready for him to see my mom.  Why do moms have to even be involved?!  Am I completely terrible for not wanting that??  He told me his father’s mother was sick and the family decided to go visit the grandma in Louisiana.  He went on to say how it would be nice to have me accompany him on his road trip to Louisiana and I could finally meet his mother.  I remember being flattered but also feeling it would be odd timing to introduce me when visiting a sick grandparent.  Plus he didn’t sound very serious on the idea.  When the time came for him to go, he told me his brother’s girlfriend was also going. I felt ill in that moment. I felt like he definitely doesn’t want me to meet his family and I was offended.  I didn’t think much of it bc I didn’t want to feel more offended. I remember rushing to leave and I tried not to hug him, I guess out of spite, but he opened his arms and waited for me to do the same. So I did.

After that, Friday was coming up and he suggested TopGolf. Something that’s been on our minds since we started talking. I had no problem with going because I genuinely wanted to go. Friday morning he told me he invited his brother and his gf. Any other time, I would’ve been okay with that, but it was the first time he ever suggested a real date situation and now it’s turned into a competitive double date situation. I only wanted to be with him and not invite other people. I felt like he didn’t want to be stuck alone with me. I felt like if I followed through with his plans for that evening, it would’ve been just a competitive match between him and his brother while I have awkward, forced conversations with his brothers gf. On top of that, I had a flood of intense emotions from pms but for whatever reason I kept thinking about not seeing him and the idea was intensely exciting.  The idea of just doing my own thing, not feeling like I was tied to him and I had to do everything he wanted to do.  Traffic was hectic because the rodeo and spring break. I wasn’t in the mood to be competitive and have politically correct conversations in case his bro’s gf was the type to be easily offended. As I mentioned earlier about not following through, I told him on my way there via text I wasn’t in the mood but would be down to go except I won’t be talking much. He called me upset and cancelled the plans. I actually cried 3 times while driving. *insert eyeroll emoji* Once I got there, it was the most uncomfortable atmosphere. He didn’t touch me or anything. Just cold and I felt abandoned while with him. I put my hand out multiple times and he didn’t. It was very hurtful. He took me to Galveston to eat and see his old residence then we met up with his work friends at a bar.  Once we started drinking, things felt semi-normal again.

EDIT:  I started this post but didn’t finish on Thursday, March 15 – picked up Sunday, March 18.

Except I wasn’t happy.  I think I let all the issues I had with him pile up to the point where I couldn’t stand being around him.  I had no idea how he felt about me or about the relationship but I knew that Friday morning he was excited about TopGolf, so I felt guilty the entire night.  Thinking back, that car ride to Galveston was killing me.  I wanted to be with him but I also didn’t.  All the smoking, the junk food, we never went anywhere, we could never really fully enjoy the time in bed because he would just fucking pass out.  I was enabling his bad habits but I was scared to tell him.  I can’t help but think if I had just been more vocal about how I felt and proactive in helping him then we wouldn’t have broken up this Saturday morning.

This past Friday night, I had dinner with Ammar to celebrate his birthday because I couldn’t make it to the main event Saturday morning.  Ammar planned on go-karts and I thought what a perfect time to invite my boyf with me because he had just mentioned it the past weekend.  I asked and he didn’t want to go so I changed up my plans for him.  This was my attempt to save something I felt was slipping.  My original plan for Friday night, my boyf would meet me at North Italia (as he said he would Wednesday night on the phone), I would have a room at Hotel Zaza for us, it was near the museum and that way the next day we wouldn’t have to travel far at all to MFAH.  The hotel thing was a chance for us to not have other distractions, to really connect, and to see if I could pinpoint the solution for us.  I was planning this at work on Thursday and walked away to do actual work.  When I came back to my desk, I felt overwhelmingly desperate because I wanted so badly for this idea to work – to prove our relationship could surpass this weird knot I had been feeling for weeks.  Much like the bump on the road before turning into his house.  That lousy bump I had to strategically avoid while turning always resonated to me in a weird way.  Like it was a reminder there was an issue I was avoiding.  I told him we should just see each other the next weekend and he could have time for himself.  I think I wanted him to be upset but knowing him I think he wanted some time too.  I decided to let the museum thing go but when I was peeing (where I do the best thinking) I thought about the other times I went to the museum with guys that barely knew me and I thought about other couples at the museum.  A friend of his, lets call him Tick, went with his psycho gf, lets call her Nobody, to the exhibit with the stupid light installations hanging from the ceiling.  It hit me, in these shitty relationships, the guys were still willing to go with girlfriends they barely liked or respected.  I was also factoring in my friend’s and their pseudo love relationships.  All the guys just fucking went.  How much does my own boyfriend not like/respect me?  It became the theme of the night.  I didn’t even want to talk to him on the phone that Thursday night and he didn’t seem to notice I was in a mood or he just didn’t care at all.  I went to sleep crying because I think I knew this was over and I was jealous of the obviously wrong/bad relationships still going strong.  I was very distant Friday and he still wasn’t saying things I wanted him to say.  The entire day, I kept thinking how did our relationship go so bad and is there a way to salvage it?  Time came to eat and drink with Ammar.  He was going on about school and work but in my dumb head I was getting tipsy and thinking about ways my boyf could surprise me.  I thought:  Okay, he can’t hate me, I’m not sure if he’s lost interest in me, maybe he will surprise me by being at the museum – he’ll look for me and I’ll see him at the corner of my eye, we embrace and things go right again.  I didn’t want to keep thinking that because I knew he didn’t have a romantic bone in his body and I knew he would never really go out of his way for me.

I decided to text him how I felt after 2 drinks in me.  He didn’t respond the rest of the night.  I got home at 11pm, I think, and I sat in my car thinking about how I wanted out.  I wrote out a text about ending it and how I’d pick up my little things I left at his place.  I sent the text to Evan first, in case I was being dramatic.  While I was waiting for Evan to review and make a decision, I made a list of things I wanted to do that he never committed to and I felt so upset like my ideas were trash.  Then I would think about all the times he mentioned how we should do this/do that and he didn’t commit to that either.  I reflected on the things we did when we were together and it was things he wanted to do.  As much as I respected his woodworking, I didn’t feel useful I don’t think I needed to be there every weekend.  He didn’t really include me or teach me.  I was just there to observe and I would’ve loved that time for myself.  I recall a time I wanted a weekend to myself and he immediately tried to guilt trip me as if I didn’t wanna spend time with him.  I felt obligated every week to see him and to spend the entire weekend with him.  So when he finally texted back early Saturday morning (I don’t know what time, my phone died so when I charged it – the texts were already there), he mentioned something along the lines of feeling drained or suffocated by the amount of time we spent together and that he didn’t see us as long term.  I felt relief.  I immediately texted back I’d pick up my things and we’d be done.  I didn’t feel anger or hurt.  I was confused because I was sacrificing my free time for him because he made me feel like I had to but this text… he made it seem like I was the one loitering and wouldn’t leave.  I agree about the part where he mentioned me not having my own space made it hard for him or whatever.  I would’ve looked for a place if it really bothered him.  I was saving a retarded amount of money for a Gucci or Chanel bag, and I was buying unnecessary things like the Chanel shoes, the Gucci shoes, Fendi Bag and other shit.  He could’ve told me to use it towards rent.  I could afford and manage my own place.  He never made it seem like it was an issue.  He’d bring up meeting my mom a few times that made me uncomfortable because I’m scared of that interaction.  If he thought I was mean, my mother was much worse.  My mom is 70! – very traditional/old-school Viet, was a teenager during the war, expected certain things from a male, and very superficial.  I did not want my mother making my boyf feel like he wasn’t good enough or judge him in any other way.

I read a lot about relationships and how people in my age range give up easily over the littlest things.  Our generation refuses to commit, even if they’ve been together for years, some couples can’t even talk about their future.  I thought about my future a lot in this last relationship.  I never did that before but I don’t know how realistic I was being.  Considering the person I am, how I put other people before me, and how badly I wanted to change to be the best version of me, I would’ve stayed in this relationship if he wanted to and I was unhappy.  That’s what I learned about myself.  Evan was too late when he told me to not send that break-up text that Friday night.  Evan was surprised my boyf basically broke up with me.  I mean, telling me he didn’t see us being long-term is like a euphemism for “bitch, this is done”.  I wasn’t really trying to figure out what we could do to fix it.  I could look for a place right now, I could be more honest and open with him, we could plan our schedules properly so neither of us would feel like time was being wasted.  But he also had, what I would categorize as addiction/attachment to smoking which made me so incredibly unhappy and a shitty girlfriend.  As an outsider, he definitely had an issue and he had been smoking for 10 years at that point.  The smoking after work, before bed, and throughout the day on weekends disappointed me.  I feel guilty for not telling him how concerned I was for him.  Work people had to know, even if he wasn’t smoking before work, he smoked with people from work and that gets spread around.  I don’t know if it interfered with a promotion he felt like he deserved but was given to someone else at his level.  His room would smell like it, his clothes sometimes, his car.  How could people at work not know?  But I knew and it changed the way I felt about him and our future.  He quit for two weeks, without me even suggesting it – I was so proud because I wanted him to quit for himself, and he went back to smoking because of stress.  I’m pretty sure it was the stress from not smoking that he just needed to learn to avoid.  So, do I think we could’ve lasted longer if he weren’t so dependent on smoking?  Yes.  I definitely would’ve been more talkative and let some walls down.  I hated repeated myself and thinking “whats the point in this? He’s not going to remember this moment.  He’s physically here but not mentally.  If I put all my energy in this, I’m going to end up feeling disappointed or getting hurt.”

Anyway, my mom witnessed me crying and having absolutely nothing to eat in 2 days.  I seriously haven’t chewed a thing in 2 days!  I tried to stay hydrated at least, so I don’t die.  Break-up diets, man.  They work.  I am finally unbloated and my belly is flat!  *hands praising or whatever emoji*  My mom felt bad for both people; me and him.  Which made me see her in a different light but today she kept saying he was a waste of time which made me more emotional.  I liked him a lot and I really wanted it to work.  It was 6months, half a year… but no, not a total waste of time.  I learned a few things about woodworking, I learned I can’t keep putting other people before myself because no one is looking after me.  I wanted to start my real estate courses for my license since the beginning of the year but when was I supposed to study?  He was taking up my weekends and he wasn’t suggesting we see each other every other weekend.  I didn’t want to offend him again by asking.  I learned I would’ve settled for something that wasn’t making me happy, I learned I was scared to voice my opinion, I learned this loneliness since the break-up has been fucking nauseating.  I felt free and happy Saturday morning then by night time it was just painful.  I liked missing someone, I liked caring for someone, I liked doing things for someone.  Which is a huge change from the person I was before.  Someone who would just use guys and trash after 2weeks/2months.  This guy taught me I could possibly love someone if I put down my walls and really fight for it.  Not sure if this was worth fighting for since he was smiling when I picked up my things lol.  Today I realized work from now on is going to seem a lot longer and I have this creepy boss that always makes me feel uncomfortable.  When I was in a relationship, for some reason, I felt safe and like I had a layer of protection.  Now I just feel unprotected and like a target.  I’m trying to remember the time before 6months ago, but I was unemployed lol so yeah.  I’ll just learn to deal with it.

Getting Tested

For STDs? I hope I don’t have to. Real Estate license? I’m putting that on back-burner. Consistently negative occurrences in my relationship that remind me that I could potentially end up like my mother or alone and that both routes are just positively depressing, abusive, and self-loathing? Bingo, bucko.

I hated taking exams in school. By college time, I seemed to struggle more because more pressure was applied each test I took. Thoughts like “if I don’t pass, I’ll end up taking this course again” or “I don’t remember what this class is even about” and my fav is when I just sit there frazzled, red, moist in the face, and trying not to cry. It seems like getting tested is what life is all about. Getting exams in school tested our knowledge of whatever unit or subject but in real life we’re constantly getting tested on our contentment; who we are/who we thought we were/who we ought to be, testing our tolerance for different emotions tied to certain events with very particular people. It’s exhausting. While the testing we do in institutions prepare us for the next level, I suppose it prepares us for the constant test-taking we do in our lives. Except I’ve never gotten comfortable with it so the lessons I’m learning in life right now aren’t enough to prepare me for these tests I deal with almost daily.

Level: Hard

Question: Do you trust someone you’re in a relationship with on social media?

Short-answer: No.

If not, why?: because social media is part of the problem. It allows people to cheat and give up on relationships easier than a time before social media. Hit “delete”, “block”, or just simply ghost on someone you’ve been seeing for months when you get turned off by the littlest thing because there’s always gonna be a next. It’s a perpetuated, gloried way of living and it’s socially acceptable. New follows lead to new temptations/troubles. It’s simply a gateway to be deviants and it’s an environment where it’s approved – backed by people with the same idea.

In my past relationships, I ended them knowing there would always be someone else. As if there was a line and I was letting it pile up or I had to filter them out. I did that because I didn’t want to settle, I looked for issues to date someone else, because there had to be a better version of the guy I was seeing in that moment. Social media gives us an idea of hope for a possibly better whatever we’re looking for. People don’t wanna work on the relationships they’re in now so when there’s a little pothole, they drive over it or don’t and they abandon vehicle before anything else happens. Their vehicle could’ve been a Mercedes G-wagon or a Ferrari Lafarrari but they had no idea what they were driving. Uhh was this a terrible analogy or what. My point is potentially good relationships end over the littlest things and social media is part of the problem. It tests us daily on how faithful one can be, how tempted we get, and how much will power we have. I’m a 90s baby. I’ve watched social media grow from a helpful marketing tool manifest into an unhealthy chamber for sloppy behavior and awful memes. (The memes used to be better).

Anyway, I won’t get specific but I’m not gonna let social media break my relationship apart… until it finally does, then I failed another test when I knew the answers but I don’t get that many chances to retake this exam considering my age. I guess the idea is how much do I want to put my life on social media. Oops. Too late for that. How much do I wanna be active in social media? Do I let SM define my relationship? Does removing myself from SM leave me in the dark and behind?

I can’t control what he does with his phone. I don’t wanna tell him what to do, I’m not the type. I’m finding it harder to trust him after tonight and as a result it questions the future I thought I had with him. Maybe I’m being dramatic but that’s how I feel right now. Next time I see him, I don’t know if I could be as affectionate. I know I care for him but I’m too upset to really see him at this point. He is sick with the flu, I was so sad for him, all I wanted to do was be near him to help and just hope he’d get better. Now I just hope he lives so I can make him feel what I feel. A lot of hurt and disrespect.

When am I gonna be tested and feel confident? I want something easy and something I know. Lemme eliminate the wrong answers and leave me with the one right answer. I don’t wanna guess. I wanna know the person I’m in a relationship with wants to be in a relationship too.

Feeling Randy

EDIT:  I am leaving a lot of moments out.  Too personal to share for now but he was not a cold person.  He was affectionate, honest, generally positive, and incredibly likable.

I’ve been meaning to get back into my writing.  Not because I think I’m a good writer but it is a good outlet for me to be me.  I can’t always confide in friends because I can be repetitive and they have their own issues too.  If I unload on them that means I have to let them unload on me and that’s just not fair because my issues are real.  (lol) 

This summer I met a boy named… Let’s call him Randy.  Randy was the epitome of what I was looking for in regards to… looks.  He stood at 6’4″, dark and wavy hair, bearded, good nose, good body – played lots of sports, just perfection.  Almost.  Our first meet was meh, forgettable.  I remember thinking at the end of it, “I’ll never see him again”.  I don’t remember if I thought that because I knew I wouldn’t reach out to him or that he wouldn’t reach out to me.  But he seemed very interested in me.  He did ask for 3 hugs by the end of that meet and then later that night he facetimed with me for 2 hours.  He played his guitar and sang for me.  Which was cute at the time but at this point it doesn’t mean much anymore lol.  We started seeing each other often then I noticed the more I learned about him, or tried to, he would stop me and tell me “you ask too many questions” or “this is too heavy, we can talk about this later”.  Which sounds like, to any reasonable person, he just wasn’t that into me.  Not enough to really let me in, at least.  I acknowledged that early on and accepted that because I also knew he wasn’t meant for me.  There were times I was totally comfortable with the idea of something casual because I couldn’t handle anything serious either.  I didn’t have my shit together.  I still don’t.

An area I knew that would’ve been a rough obstacle for us was religion.  He was raised Christian and still based a lot of his life on Christianity.  I was not raised to follow anything in particular and was allowed to believe my own honest beliefs – whatever the media tells me to… kidding.  That’s truly a tough one to compromise with if our relationship ever escalated to anything serious.  Another nugget was how generally uninformed he was on national news, world news, or any news really!  This bothers me because it tells me that he doesn’t read a lot.  I even asked him when he last read a book.  He said high school.  I get that, kind of.  Except he’s 30 and that kind of answer would’ve worked if he were 19.  However, a 19 yr old enrolled in college would’ve at least said “I opened a textbook for…” – which brings me to nugget 3.  He didn’t go to college.  I think he is the only person I’ve dated/mingled with that did not go.  I honestly didn’t care for this too much at the time because I know so many amazing, talented, intelligent people that do not have their college degree.  Time in college was either holding them back from some incredible opportunity or they just couldn’t learn/evolve in that way.  I would love to say that’s where Randy falls under but I would be lying.  As much as he was sweet, he was a dunce.  I hate myself for saying this.  I really do.  But I am writing this for a reason.  Which will take a lot of patience and reading because the point is at the very end.  He actually never brought up school.  I did enough cyber stalking to know his real situation and to not have to ask.  The other nuggets I don’t care to really drag on about is how his dad basically supports him and how he doesn’t intend on growing up anytime soon.  Maybe not as straight forward but let’s say Randy’s job is secure as long as Randy is alive and he isn’t even really investing his money properly – maybe.  Whatever.  I recall many moments of desperately wanting to have a solid conversation about something that mattered.  A lot of serious things came up and they were always brief conversations.  Sometimes he would just look expressionless at me while I talked.  Almost afraid to say something.  Which brings me to the one time I joked about myself – because that’s what I do, I make fun of myself!  He got offended by it.  Eyeroll.  Our humor was off, for sure.

Obviously, I could make a short book about how wrong he was for me.  Not reasons he is a bad person because he wasn’t a bad egg at all – just not suitable for me.  He has to be the sweetest boy I’ve been with.  That was basically all he was – a boy.  He was not ready to be a man.  I tried to end it 3 times but ya know… when a girl gets lonely… I’m only human, ok?!  (For the record, he asked for a second chance, other times we were just horny.)  He actually ended it completely and I wasn’t going to fight it.  He said he met someone else and things “skyrocketed” during their first meet.  I’m not going to pretend like that didn’t hurt me or offend me.  “Skyrocketed”?!  C’mon, how remarkable was this broad?  I really doubt if she was top-notch in every area that counts, that she would settle for Randy.  So I’m going to assume things skyrocketed because they were most likely very sexual their first interaction.  But after all the reasoning and acceptance of the situation, it still hurt.  I think my friend Jamie was right.  He said I was mostly feeling like trash because I was the one getting dumped.  A lot of you (all 3 of you) are reading this and you’re shocked that I do the dumping.  It’s true, I’ve always been quick to go to the next but this time I was trashed and dealing with it differently.  It’s not like I don’t have prospects after Randy but I’m not as resilient as I thought.  I started to think about Randy’s potential.  I knew he was a boy but I also felt like he would change, evolve, man-up to the right occasion or person.  I wanted to be that person that influenced him.  He was such a genuinely kind and likable person with amazing physical features – I didn’t want to let that go.  I’ll be damned if he changes for this unremarkable lump of a lady he’s with now.  Ugh, she probably supports Joel Osteen.  Anyway, if that were to come true, that he changed for this new female, it would be impossible but also he would eventually resent her for making him change.  If he improves his way of life, he’d have to be doing it for him.

I learned a few things about myself from this experience.  I’m very superficial; to the point of settling for someone that can’t be the type of partner I would need him to be.  A friend told me that I don’t know my worth.  Lol.  I don’t even know how to break that one down.  I explained this entire relationship to another friend and he said Randy seemed insecure/intimidated by me and that’s why he could never have lengthy conversations.  That honestly sounds true.  Randy loved music and he would always be surprised when I spat out a fact but he would quickly change the subject.  Lastly, I learned more about Sugarland than I wanted to know.  I could never live over there.

Rode…oh

I was coordinating a little event called Asian Night at the Rodeo during March in Houston.  It was very successful however these shoes in the featured photo weren’t the best choice to wear since I would be in them all day.  BUT!  I received many, many compliments so I think it was worth it.