Depth of a Car Salesman

As far as I could remember, car salesmen have always had this negative stigma in society. Maybe I learned it from TV originally but I also remember being a kid and hearing grownups badmouth car salesmen. They can’t be trusted, they scam people, low-lives that couldn’t get a real job. Salespeople in general actually. I hope I don’t offend anyone with this post but I’ve probably offended many in my other posts. This is about a particular guy I’ve encountered a couple times.

I think I’ve matched with BJ a handful of times. Sometimes I would let it expire. Other times I continue the convo and just leave him hanging. Sometime in 2018, I apparently gave him my number and we texted for a bit and I left him on read. Anytime I allowed a conversation, he would open with “I just moved here”. It triggered me. It made me want to call him out for it but it seemed like such a childish thing to do. But also, wasn’t that childish of him? He’s been here for 5 years, I would hardly call that recent. He wouldn’t say where he was originally from. He’d mention work a lot and wasn’t great with conversations. Making it hard to connect. Making it less interesting for me to want to meet. Which is why I abandoned those previous attempts.

I decided to give him a real chance recently. After the drink meet with the lawyer, I felt like I needed practice talking again and knowing when to shut up. I was certain I wouldn’t like this car salesman and it sounds bad knowing I would use him as practice but I figured it knocks out a reoccurring match and gets me out there again. Why did I keep matching with him? He was handsome. Most of his pictures sucked and was a bit cringeworthy. Patrick Bateman-esque but not really. He suggested to meet and I told him day and time I was available. Let me tell ya about the meet… because what a meet.

I told him I was coming casual. Especially after meeting the lawyer, I was a bit overdressed. So I decided I would show up… relaxed. Ya know, adidas tracksuit. He said he would change. He did not. He arrived early and lived near the place he suggested. He had the time to change, but didn’t. He showed up in a suit. He looked much better than his photos. I was annoyed. There I was sitting looking all atheleisurely and he looking all professional. It was like a bad sex deal. I instantly didn’t know what to say. He was talking about something I can’t remember and when it came to my turn… I had nothing to say. I was so turned off by what he was saying. I felt so anxious to leave and it was just so early in the meet. I kept nodding and saying “I got nothing”. It was such a challenge for me to want to talk. I didn’t want to tell him anything about me. To kill time, I just kept asking more about him. He kept mentioning work. At some point I asked him if he was even happy because he kept complaining. He couldn’t really look at me after I asked. I felt like maybe I was too brash. He had just told me he was in Florida for 15 years doing this car sales gig and came to houston to continue, then I ask him if he’s even happy doing what he does. Maybe it wasn’t my place to ask that too soon. He answered but I don’t remember lol.

It got to the point where maybe he realized I was done. He would poke fun of me and I would poke fun of him. He mentioned he makes “a lot of money” and how he has to “block a lot of women”. I don’t think he went to college. He painted himself as super successful and planning to retire in 7 years. Had a side hustle with property management on Sundays, his days off. Seemed to resent his parents for moving too often during his childhood. Wasn’t long enough to make life long friendships or a place to call home. We ended up playing with each other’s hands after all the ball busting and he wanted my number. As if he didn’t have it already. Maybe he deleted me. We kissed, he messed up my hair, and we kissed again. It was awkward. I knew I didn’t like him but it felt good to have that type of male interaction again. it made me feel good about myself. Being me, I had to overthink things and while it was nice feeling flirty and feeling wanted I kept thinking “great, car guy is interested and I couldn’t get lawyer interested”.

We texted more often after first meet. In fact, he would text me every morning and pepper the same texts throughout the day. The way he would text was so immature. I failed to mention, this guy is 40. He would text like a 20-something college guy. Confusing “to” and “too” every time. I am so certain he doesn’t know the difference. He starts many statements with “and”. For example; “and good morning”. It began to annoy me. Everyday since the first meet, he would just complain about work. I get it, sales are bad during this time but I… don’t care? He’d work 10 hours days, 6 days a week. He would suggest to meet at odd times. It was never disrespectful because I was also understanding of his work schedule but it would be inconvenient for me. He began to grow upset. I was saying no to a second meet every time. 3 times to be exact.

I made an effort Friday night to actually meet. Let me tell you, that’s me putting in real effort. It rained all day. It was miserable weather. I had to rush home and get ready. I arrived to his place late and he wasn’t too upset but gave me a little bit of shit for it. Playful shit. We hang out and I was turned off by his shirt. It had a distinct mildew smell. I let it go but it was like another person in the room, that smell. I didn’t judge extra hard because I can imagine him throwing in a load in the washer and not remembering or not having the time to throw it in dryer in time. Even now, I keep thinking, why couldn’t he put on a different shirt? Surely he had another shirt. He had to have acknowledged that smell. We didn’t have any conversation that night. Just watching Netflix. It was terrible but do I look forward seeing him again? Not so much. While I was in his house, I observed everything and he had such a bland life. He would spend so much of his time at work, he barely had a life outside work. It was hard to figure out who I was hanging out with. He isn’t boyfriend material. He never asked me anything about myself. He wasn’t interested but he also wasn’t interesting.

I appreciated the kisses and fondling but I think it was confusing for me because I miss intimacy with someone. Not so much that I actually like or want him. We ended the night and he suggested I stay. I insisted on leaving. I’m still doing the no sex thing. I just can’t imagine, besides sex, how he would be useful to me or to any woman. He shows no emotion, passion, or interests. He has nothing to contribute. He is always focused on money and work. When does he get to enjoy life? I can’t and not willing to change up my schedule for him. It’s not worth it.

I want a good reason to feel bad for him, but if you met him, his personality makes it hard to even like him. He has a jerk quality. Part of me understands it was his childhood experiences that molded him this way. He was still holding onto that resentment – blaming his parents. Connection not strong enough for me to want to help or peel back those layers. I’m sure he has decent 20-something yr old prospects to recycle the “I make a lot of money” stuff on. We know it’s a front for something totally unremarkable underneath. I wish some men could just be genuine. Let some walls down and be more likable. Especially if they’re in the car dealership industry. You’re already starting off negative? Can’t you be a better person outside work?!

I’m Difficult

I find reasons why I wasn’t able to continue certain relationships with people. I always look for reasons. It’s rare I let a relationship go through an incident to push to towards ending. I look back and see a lot of the guys that “weren’t good enough for me” in serious relationships now, it sometimes upsets me. Not terribly – I’m not regretful or angry. I eventually feel happy for them. I don’t necessarily feel like I am missing out but I get upset at how it comes so easy for some people. The flaws I saw in someone, isn’t a flaw for that new person, or maybe it is and they made it work. I’m sorry, mushy hands aren’t a deal-breaker for you? Although I look for reasons to end the relationship I also rely on guys to make me feel good about myself.

I went on a drink meet a couple days ago. One I didn’t think I would ever agree to go on because it was the snapchat lawyer guy. It had been a while since I last interacted with him, so I basically forgot everything about him. I agreed because I needed a reason to go out again. Get my feet wet with meeting new people and I suppose learning how to communicate in a covid world. When I think back on it, it makes me sick how I yapped the entire night about myself. I didn’t ask him anything important or anything to make him feel like I was interested in him as a person. I had been on a few drink dates in the past where the guy would go on and on about himself and not even ask me ONE thing. I was that guy that night. It hurts me just thinking about it. Even when this snapchat lawyer started with telling me he was one of four siblings and the youngest – I fucken stole the convo and talked more about dumb shit. He had moments talking about movies and comedy so I think that helps. I can’t remember if he said anything else. Also, desperately trying to remember a movie he mentioned I would like and I’m racking my brain. Keywords: Netflix, world war II, JFK. It’s fucking killing me. I basically walked away not knowing a thing about him. I seriously feel sick about how I interacted with him that night. Like, wtf did I think I was doing?! Some interview for a low budget podcast?! What irritates me is looking back on drink meets from the past, I was loaded with top notch questions. Just gems, shit you don’t normally ask on a first meet but I asked it. I loved getting responses to crazy questions. I am so embarrassed about how much I talked about myself because I don’t particularly have anything in my life worth repeating. I am sure his life is far more interesting. He’s a lawyer, that itself is more interesting than any dumb shit I have going on.

Okay, I got that out my system. I don’t want to see certain things about people. I don’t want to look for reasons to end something. Is it too late for me to change? But, do we remember when I decided to be NOT difficult and tried to settle for the Serbian and that backfired on me? I needed this year to really reflect and although I didn’t want to meet anyone, somewhat glad I did, it was a good test and it helped me determine I’m still not ready to involve any type of guy in my life. I was so offended when he didn’t even suggest another meet. I didn’t necessarily feel sparks and I was a complete jerk… But how dare he not even try to ask for another meet? But see, why do I care so much? Why does it offend me if I’m not interested?! My point is, I don’t want to be difficult. Not. Ready. For. Guys.

God, but looking back on that drink meet… He was a champ. Listening to my garbage, he was so incredibly nice, very handsome, great hair, good opinions on comedy, movies, and people. Genuinely a nice guy – not the type of “nice guy” that has to state it in a profile or declare it in real life. Not sure why he’s still on the market. I think he’s gold. Hey, but maybe he’s difficult too.

Hindsight is “20/20”

What a shitty year. I personally don’t know anyone that got to really accomplish anything. Even friends or family celebrating marriage and births couldn’t do it the way they originally intended. All significant moments rushed and contact-conscious – making experiences less emotional and meaningful. All my interactions lately have been work related. My typical meetings still scheduled in-person but I can’t deliver my impressive handshake that makes men fall on their knees and beg for me to let go. I GET THINGS DONE is what I’m trying to say! Without my handshakes, I feel inadequate and awkward when a meeting ends. Besides that, 2020 has definitely been a year of reflection. I feel like I can say that for most people. Most people with a brain. Sorry stupid brainless/braindead space-wasters. That wasn’t really targeted for anyone so if you’re offended… well. MY POINT IS: I turned 30 this year. I have not tried to end my life – not even once! Life is just the same; melancholy is a shadow that follows me. Oh my god, ew. I’m kidding but just typing that as a joke feels gross. Like, go die already, Kimberly.

I haven’t met with anyone this year. Some friends, yes. No men/boyz. I can’t even see myself on a date anytime soon. The idea sounds miserable. Staring at a stranger’s face, pretending to find interest in their work, pretending I am interested in my own work, lying about how many guys I have to shoo away. Maybe that’s just me. Not really kidding. The less I’ve shown my face on social media, the less I receive date threats. Get it? Not death threats but date threats. I’m on one today, baby!! Jokes all day. I’ve gone so far with the idea of shooing away guys that I’ve blocked almost every guy I’ve interacted with on social media and even their phone numbers. Usually the guys I had negative experiences with and some I just want to pretend never existed. There is a weird pattern of exboyfriends or guys that I trashed, already married or in serious relationships, contacting me about wanting to see me again. Blocked.

I had 2 decent prospects that didn’t escalate to anything. One guy lives in Midland and the distance made me uninterested. His lifestyle intimidates me – I know I’m not his type. He should be repulsed by me, he doesn’t seem to be, which I can’t help but categorize as a flaw. He is interested in me – terrible. Why? He is so fit. His life revolves around fitness and healthy shit and me? Well my life revolves around food and unhealthy shit. He could be only interested in very short-term involvement but I’m not in the mood for that nonsense. It’s not worth it to me. I’m 30 now; I’m better than that. Until I’m 35 and definitely can’t have kids then I’m not better than that and I’m all about that. Lookit me, disinterested in a guy because he’s just too fucking healthy. The other guy, sporty – or used to be, seems normal except for the fact he refuses to elevate the form of communication to real text messaging. It’s straight up only Snapchat – which I have not been very active on. He’s 35, a lawyer/liar and on Snapchat and refuses to share contact info… So why waste my time meeting him? He has something to hide and I don’t care enough to find out. Other than that, he’s actually a pretty good candidate. I can’t bring myself to allow that type of behavior. Zero tolerance for that level of communication. What does that say about how he thinks of me? Boy, bye.

My general mood lately is just “fine”. Zero drama in my life right now. I’m finding it hard to stay connected with friends simply because I’m not in the mood. I feel unconnected with them even if I tried my hardest to connect. I know a lot of them are lost like me. Even those with established careers and reaching milestones. Why do they do it? They ask themselves that too. I’m lost… but not lost enough to feel like I have to climb narrow, steep, cliffs. I have a number of friends doing this and they all seem to be the same type of person. Not only my personal friends, I understand it’s one of those things to do right now. It’s almost as if they put themselves at risk to feel something new and exciting. But mostly an excuse to post something – anything on social media for the likes. Likes on social media never made me feel particularly accomplished but I think some people need that very temporary acknowledgment even if it’s forgettable. For example, I asked a friend about a mutual friend of ours – why this person wasn’t asking his girlfriend of many years to marry him. Their response: Kim, you liked the engagement pic. There you have it. Liked but not remembered. Anyway, putting myself in dangerous situations… Not my idea of fun lol. To a certain extent. I can appreciate excitement but imagining putting myself in that position, actually climbing and finishing an infamous, deathly hike… would personally make me feel maybe more lost. Why would I be doing it? Because other people are doing it?? Oh my god, it’s almost like the saying “if Karen jumped off a bridge,…” It just seems like constant chase over cliffs, hills, and mountains looking for some sort of meaning – like a goddamn rainbow or a clear blue sky and life suddenly makes sense?? It’s a few degrees away from being one of those skyrise rooftop hanging freaks. Was that mean? What are they called… adrenaline chasing FREAKS. IDK. I suppose everyone has their way of thinking and method of coping with 2020. For me, it has always been writing and pointing out flaws in other people. Lol?

Although I am bored – I’m not bored or lost enough to want to hike and hang off a cliff looking down to a very possible demise. I think too much about the possible consequences like if I die from a hike… god, how embarrassing for my life and family. That’s exactly what I was thinking about when I was robbed at gunpoint a few years ago. While on the floor, head laying flat along the street, waiting to get shot in the back, the only thoughts running through my mind is “maybe holding my breath would make it hurt less” and “this is so embarrassing, my poor family”. I wonder if anyone understands that. I know the holding breath thing sounds weird c’mon. Seconds of silence that feels like eternity, waiting to get shot, you’re gonna think of semi-dumb stuff to help ease the idea of dying. I also thought about not wanting to suffer or survive from getting shot. I didn’t want to live a life restricted and I definitely didn’t want to bleed for 45min on the street, waiting for help, and dying on my way to the hospital. I wanted it to be quick and done. I don’t think I asked my friend what was running through her mind that night. She was pretty hysterical – in a reasonable way. I mean, she thought she was going to die that night. She loves life and has a lot to live for… so she cried. I’m surprised at how calm I was. Not like I was ready to die but if it was supposed to be my last moment in this world… I didn’t want to be crying. How embarrassing. Oh my god, I’m so immature. Can’t even finish a thought without making a joke. I remember thinking if I had regrets. Apparently not. Just kept thinking about my brothers having to identify my body and assuming I was involved in something retarded that got me to this point. My mom whaling like an animal because she is so very dramatic. Like, yeah… she’s crying because I’m dead but more about how tragic it is for her – that this death happened to her.

Other than writing nonsense, I feel like I’m not tapping into my creative side enough. I’m not producing material that reflects me. I have this weird bottled up energy and nowhere to put it. I can’t help but think about Matthew McConaughey. Good segway, I know. He wrote a book recently – a condensed compilation of his diaries from many decades throughout his life. He’s promoting his book hardcore – you can tell by the sudden amount of interviews he’s doing. It’s an awkward time so he’s doing it all from home. You can almost see what days he decided to do certain interviews by the clothes and the location. I’m not a creep at all. My point is… he seems tied to his computer lately looking for instant gratification from the release of his book. As someone who pretends to be a decent writer, I can’t imagine the energy it required from MM to get this product out there. To have people love it, hate, judge the work you cherish so much. Could I ever do something like that?

It’s already the end of the year. I got my eyebrows did, lips did, asshole bleached, totally hairless from the mustache down. JK about the asshole. I feel comfortable to list some of the things I plan on doing in the future/hopefully near future. Buccal fat removal. About to go as blonde as possible – to my liking. Not like trampy, sugar baby, blonde. A respectable blonde. Nose job – has to be done in LA I think. Ugh. BBL in Houston. I don’t think I want anything else done. I know everyone and their moms/transitioning dads have had their boobs done but it was never a real goal of mine. I like small boobs. Not that mine are all that small but I like natural boobs. I’m just against foreign objects implanted into the body. It is so silly to me. That’s my opinion, so don’t be offended. It’s one thing to enhance what you have with cosmetic surgery but when plastics are involved – there’s something silly about it. Like please look at the plastic protuberance I just installed in my body. I trailed off. The work I want done sounds drastic but these are items I crossed off and wrote back in my physical to-do list for many years. Insecurities about my nose since middle school, flat ass since end of high school and early college. I am not doing it for attention, I’m doing to rebuild the confidence I once had. I grew up being told I was the better looking sister (still am) but as I got older and grew less concerned with my appearance and wanting attention, it’s hard to bounce back to a decent looking state. To my standards – not for anyone else. Sometimes we need to readjust to get back to where we left off. Yes I’m still talking about my appearance. Do you think Kim Kardashian looks this good by NOT getting work done. Oh, there’s tweaks, baby! Tiny tweaks needed to look and feel good again. That’s all. In a world were people want to stand out and feel different yet end up all doing the same things – I can say I don’t do that. I am one of the few that don’t have a tattoo, no belly or genital piercing, no boob job. The blonde thing is because I’ve kept my hair virgin for many, many years and wanted to try it out once. Then dying brown for that great ashy brown color that is so hard to achieve with naturally black hair. Finally, at some point, lasik. The fear of doing lasik and this post being called “Hindsight is 20/20” and going blind is like the cherry on top.

Going back to the whole “…not doing it for anyone else – only me”, and growing up regarded as the better looking sister. I think that was probably the foundation of my fixation on appearance. As the youngest and gosh darn cutest sibling, any time I met new people at school (including teachers) and parents’ friends – they all had to mention how cute I was. How I would grow up really pretty. That did not work out lol. I’m not a monster – I guess I’m average and maybe that’s my fault. I’ve been ignoring how much my appearance bothers me but why does it bother me? Am I not living up to my own standards or the standards that manifested within me rooting from opinions of other people. I recall the moment my parent’s friend commented on how the mole under my eye is my only flaw. The one mole on my face was a distraction and “bad luck”. My mom made calls and got my middle school ass in a sketchy spa to get it removed. It worked – only 90%. The bitch botched me and left me with about 5-10% of mole left on my face. I eventually got the rest removed but it left me a little botched still. Maybe I am not doing it for myself – perhaps I feel like I have to prove something. Either way, working with what I have hasn’t gotten me very far. I used to think “I will get all this work done and what happens when I am not as cute as I had hoped? Where does that put me on the scale? What is life if I don’t have the looks because I’m sure as hell not smart”. I still think this. At this point in my life, if I don’t do these things, these things WILL be my only regret in life. Not “wish I hiked that XYZ” or “missed out on swimming with sharks” but I think the tweaks are more than necessary if it means I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I know I don’t particularly like what I see when I look in the mirror. Maybe I can love the tweaked me and someone will love tweaked me enough to bankroll me. I need to feel good about myself again. Until these tweaks don’t work anymore… Then I’ll get some tattoos and a boob job and post pics with showing nips on purpose but acting like it was a mistake.

Country BUMPkin

I took great offense when Erik didn’t try to salvage whatever we had. I couldn’t figure out why I liked him so much at the time and I was honest when I told him whatever we had wasn’t fun anymore and I wanted to quit. In hindsight, I really wanted him to try harder to keep me so I could turn him down again. I’m a child. I don’t know why I do this. I’m terrible. I’m probably repeating a lot of what I mentioned 2 posts ago (which is in draft mode, I hate the way I worded some things) but I’ve still been feeling bad about what happened. Not so much guilt for what I did, (okay there’s a lot of guilt) but also more of a worthless feeling about myself. I may have resolved it!

If he was actually what he presented himself to be; someone refined, worldly, educated, and financially comfortable – his decision to settle for a country broad with 2 kids from a previous marriage to a ginger hick would make any reasonable person (aka me) feel inadequate. I think that is a fair reaction! Wouldn’t a sensible person settle for a young broad, with low self worth, that has room to be… impressionable, and mold-able be more appealing? Or whats more appealing: staying single, dating around, being a lothario. Am I so physically unattractive that I pushed a guy so far away he rather take on a country yellow bleach blonde lump and 2 burdens plus a hick ex-husband?!

So, yesterday I had a small procedure that has tied me to my bed for the next 2-3 days. Bored out of my mind, I decided to look at Erik’s Facebook. I look at his feature photo of him and her plus her kids. The photo was something you’d find as a meme for Florida, Nascar, Ultraconservatism, racism, and what happens when you don’t wear a condom. The lump was carrying a bump!

This is actually good news for me. Here’s why. I feel like Erik had to commit to something he wasn’t totally prepared for but this was one of his goals in life. To be a dad – so he’s pursuing that. I recall a conversation we had about children. I made the statement that I couldn’t focus at work because my boss brought in her kids and their cousins. 6-8 kids ages 3-10 were running around and screaming at the top of their lungs and I couldn’t even think. His response made me seem cold – as if I don’t like or want kids. He expressed he wanted many. Not only did this disgust me, it bothered me because it is so irresponsible to want “many kids” and not feel like you’re compromising the quality of parenting with each kid. Does that make sense? Especially without the financial backing to provide the best life. He mentioned his dad worked a lot, he traveled and didn’t spend enough time at home, and his mom basically sacrificed her life to be a stay-at-home mother. Why is that a life a reasonable thinking person wants to recreate? I find it so selfish! Yes, in an ideal world, I would have at least 2 kids, no trust issues with the father of those kids, and I wouldn’t being writing this dumbass post for this lousy attempt for a blog or whatever. That’s not how life works. While being a parent/mother is fulfilling, I can’t help but think about the missed opportunities these moms missed out on.

The point is: I feel some relief. Finally. Some justification for the actions that transpired during and after the ending of this nonsense I created. But I feel like dating is so scary. You really don’t know who the other person is no matter how much time you spend with that person – it could be a facade. Erik presented himself as someone who had his shit together. I think I wanted to like him so much because he physically looked the part for me, he wasn’t a dunce, seemed lost even at his age – I wanted to help him with that, and I really enjoyed his sense of humor. His humor showcased his outlook on life, his experiences, and his knowledge. He had some shortcomings but was a champ about it and he knew how to adjust accordingly! Erik lacked honesty, self awareness, and had an uncalibrated moral compass. I don’t usually feel this way often… Encountering someone with the right tools to succeed and do better, not use those tools to create something great but instead lead and recreate a life that only perpetuates the idea that the man can work and travel and the woman stays home to raise his kids and have food ready when he comes home. If or when he comes home.

No offense to anyone that has this lifestyle. I’m not actually super progressive but I believe in giving the woman a choice and chance to live her life too. Sometimes that means having children later in life… or not at all and adopting. Also, I could never raise a child in the world we live in now. I could not relive the struggle of being one of many kids – the lack of attention, food, and basic care. It’s not how I personally want to raise my kids. It may not seem like I want kids but I’ve conditioned myself to not expect… expecting. I refuse to want kids and reach a point in my life where it would be impossible or selfishly pressured to have kids.

At work, this guy I was in a meeting with asked me a lot of personal questions. I usually don’t mind because he was one of those types that didn’t grow up in a very diverse area. So any chance he has with a minority, it’s his time to ask questions. He asked a lot of the typical White guy questions but then the conversation trailed into family, kids, blending cultures and religion. Heavy stuff for a meeting about grease/protein removal at a commercial property. I mentioned I didn’t want kids. Mind you, this was days before my little procedure that wouldn’t necessarily determine but directly affect whether I could carry a child or not. That last sentence was stupid. But it would be my second cut. Meaning… I was mentally preparing myself for the worst so I was saying and thinking things that would make me less crazy for potentially bad news after my results. Jesus Christ, kimberly get to the point. This guy mentioned I should want kids and I should want many. I had been looking across a man who I thought was reasonable. Now he was saying things like “you should want many kids. I’m serious…”. I joked and said “oh, I get it. To cancel out all the dumdum people having kids” and he said “well, that too”. It was an interesting meeting. It was more like an interview, which I didn’t mind. I find that happens a lot when I am in meetings with just myself representing the company. Topic trails off into my personal life and people find me interesting for some reason. Asian spectacle?

Anyway, life goes on. It’s weird how a couple months pass and swift decision making changes the direction of our lives almost completely. For some, like me, not so much. To know what I know, I don’t know how Erik can manage what is going on and what is yet to come. Maybe my childish mind can’t wrap my head around the idea because I’m still in a selfish phase and I rather live for myself right now. I want to close the subject about Erik with the guilt I have. Guilt that has been building up for some months. For a while I knew he had been struggling financially but it wasn’t until after I ended things is when I was sure if it. I had my suspicions during our time together but he seemed so confident about it all. I’m feeling some sort of sadness that’s hard to sum up in one word. He put up a front to keep me around. Whether his intent to keep me long term or short, it doesn’t matter. I never want a guy to pretend to be someone he isn’t to be involved with me. He had been looking at apartments and settled for one that was a new development but not necessarily upscale. It didn’t bother me but I acknowledged that because it was an indicator of how much he could/was willing to spend on living. Look, I would’ve continued seeing him if he decided on living somewhere like… energy corridor, ok? Damnit, even if he settled on Spring. As long as the chemistry and sex was still strong. I’ve done a lot of dating in my life. Not to brag. It’s sad really lol. But with my experience, I typically know what I’m working with. Most of them cheap with food but splurging on their living and travel situation hard. Why not? 30-something, single, smart, financially comfortable, handsome types that also pay attention to designer/trendy must-haves. So when Erik decided on this particular place, I suppose that was one sign. One of a few that I ignored for the sake of not trying to pry or look for reasons to kibosh. Neither here nor there, that doesn’t mean the place was cheap, either. Erik was behind on property taxes every year. I felt partially responsible this year. Had he not felt pressured to rent a place because of me (he had been booking hotels for us and this was getting expensive) maybe he would have 15-18k set aside for his new country bumpkin baby on the way and pay those property taxes on time. Sending a gift is weird and creepy but I feel like I owe him. The guilt I have for all his efforts in the beginning of our… entanglement (that’s cool to say right now, right?) which seemed genuine. Me avoiding spending time with him on his birthday because I didn’t want whatever we had going on to mean more than what it was at the time. He spent that time alone at a resort hotel. I’m a jerk in many ways but he wasn’t honest anyway.

There is a memory that comes up often when I do think about my time with Erik. He made me watch “Dont F*ck With Cats” on Netflix KNOWING IT WOULD MAKE ME CRY. He asked me something along the lines of ever googling someone or wondering if I/myself would be so google-able? God, does that make sense? I went to Alief, forgive me. I wanted to tell him I googled him before and I tell him what I knew about him but instead I told him I wouldn’t be so track-able online because I’m not a total dolt. At the point, I knew a lot. I can’t tell if I would’ve treated him differently knowing what I knew about him. If I had not known it was his birthday when he invited me to go somewhere with him… I may have agreed to see him. Knowing it was his birthday weighed heavy on me because I didn’t want to ruin his future birthdays… knowing I would disappoint him at some point anyway. I’m rambling at this point.

In the financial position I’m in, I’m grateful I can spoil myself and 2 cats. I’m almost 30. That may sound old, they may sound young. I can continue to be selfish, that isn’t wrong. I will fix my face. I will fix my body. 2021, new me – physically lol. I’ll do what makes me happy. If I can find someone that can appreciate that, that would be nice. Meanwhile, I’m sure as hell not settling. I will not be tied down and live a life that is apparently miserable for at least one person in the relationship. That seems to be the trend with all relationships lately. Maybe this will be the reason why I end up alone but if I drink enough I’ll never be alone in my head. Dave Attell, anyone?

Limbo Kimbo

It’s not normal how shallow I can be.
Having said that, it’s confusing how oblivious others can be.
Let’s call this guy Erik.
Erik was someone I met in early 2017.  After having ended another short term relationship with a guy much older than me (some guy in law school who was also bar-tending full time – I felt he was too immature and not man enough), I went on a dating app and matched with Erik.  I agreed to meet him at Edison.  I guess at some point I googled him.  I thought I was finally dealing with a mature guy.  I learned he was some upper management at an oil and gas company my friend was working at, let’s call my friend Brad.  I had actually been on one or two dates with Brad.  Brad was the first guy I had gone on dates with that was my age.  Clearly it didn’t work with Brad, I felt like I was in high school when I was with him.  I’ve always been attracted to older guys.  Not significantly older but old enough to acknowledge I was at a different stage in life – much different than other dumb broads my age were at and this always made relationships difficult. Difficult because older guys seeking younger broads are immature but also under the impression they can get away with more but not with me. I have always been older than my age in many ways. I didn’t have the patience and they didn’t respect my time.  Or vise versa.

Anyway, back to Erik.  I felt like I wasn’t on a date but at a job interview.  He was older looking in person but more handsome – that was distracting.  He was almost the epitome of what I was looking for physically.  Tall, dark full thick hair, can grow a good beard, good build/masculine, good voice, good hands, good face.  I could go on and on about the traits that ultimately don’t matter at all.  I recall feeling small.  As in… dimwitted, ill-mannered, and brash with nothing valuable to share.  I told myself “you got here, it doesn’t have to go anywhere, make the best of it, you’ll never see this guy again” so I decided to just let go and be myself.  I felt like he was out of my league.  He had done so much and seen so much, what could I say that would keep his interest?  Nothing.  I didn’t care, I just wanted to get this job interview over.  He walked me to my car, I put out my hand to give him a business handshake, and he pulled me in for a kiss.  Which was a shock because he seemed so disinterested anytime I talked.  Anyway, it’s not until recently I learned that’s just his regular face.  If you asked him about it, he would blame it on being INTJ I guess.  We continued to text and he had suggested some bar meet at some point.  I felt like a child talking to an adult.  If you can’t pick up the general theme of my posts, I have extremely low self worth.  I wanted him to like me so badly, I thought he was a gem, I had been dating loser after loser after potential serial killer after loser.  When it came time to the day he suggested to meet again… he had some excuse about not having a car or needing to pick up another car and something about his knee/leg injury.  It offended me so badly that he couldn’t tell me beforehand or even suggest another day to meet.  I gave him a sassy text and deleted the entire convo and his contact.  I felt like a zero.  I was so attracted to who I thought he was and to have him reject me filled me with rage and sadness for a couple months.  At that point in my life, I had quit my job that overworked me and didn’t value me.  I was too prideful when they asked me to come back for double the pay.  I didn’t want to work with the same board members that questioned my worth.  Double the pay just wasn’t enough.  I was rejected by a guy who I thought was kinda perfect, I was unemployed, I was living at home.  It felt like I took steps backwards and ended up where I was when I had just graduated college.

Fast forward to late 2018/early 2019, I had been breadcrumbing a Serbian guy for many, many months.  You can read about that in previous posts if I kept them up but I’ll include a summed up version.  Pretty rotten of me but he always had open arms when I needed affection.  Before Serby, I was in a serious relationship with a guy I cared a lot for but was unsure about committing to because we had such different backgrounds.  He was too Southeast?/Pearland/League City and I was too city girl/Southwest/Alief.  That relationship taught me so much about myself, others, and life.  I wasn’t ready to be in another serious thing.  Even if it was meaningless with Serb, I needed to feel adored.  Something that was strongly missing in the serious relationship. I believe Serby genuinely adored me.  I appreciated that but I still didn’t like him.  I wanted to really like him but the physical stuff just wasn’t there for me. We had a lot of the same interests but I wasn’t attracted enough to want to stick around. His accent, commentary during movies, and juuling was all too much for me.  I was dating other guys while still seeing the Serbian.  I wasn’t hiding it but I also wasn’t sharing it either.  Why would I? Too awkward when he treated me so nicely.  This sounds bad but I had dated a lot of guys and I don’t remember what or who made me feel worthless but I was in another small pit.  Work was good, I had changed up jobs and was working longer hours that kept me out of trouble.  However the hours I had to myself, I was drowning in silence and boredom.  I don’t have too many hobbies or friends that share my interests.  I’m too much like a guy sometimes and the guy friends I end up meeting only want to fuck me. The realization I was only getting older, finding myself more lonely, I knew the Serbian was there for me.  Who was I to judge his appearance when I am not all that striking to begin with?  He was actually handsome just not my type.  Height was a deal breaker though.  I was asking for too much when I should have been grateful someone liked me for who I was.  I didn’t have to filter anything about myself.  Long story short, that ended. Badly.  And very immaturely – for both people.  Technically three people.

I met a guy named Jordan who seemed promising.  He was closer to my age.  He was very cute in a Ryan Philippe kind of way.  Not usually my type but I wasn’t in the position to be picky.  He was very superficial and I liked it.  Was in grad school, business program at Rice.  I felt like I met my match in some ways yet at the same time, I wasn’t interested in a relationship in general.  I felt like he was a good replacement for the Serbian.  Jordan asked me out a few times and I cared more about work than seeing him.  I was staying out of trouble but also didn’t care for his method of asking me out.  It was almost always last minute, like the day of.  It came off desperate and as if I was his last resort so I couldn’t allow myself to let him get away with that.  He might argue he is more spontaneous and doesn’t like to plan things.  Which is fair but I need a heads up.  Like 2-3 days lol.  I kept it cordial but made it clear I’m not that down for whatever whenever type of bitch. One of my close friends was getting married end of July and she asked me if I was bringing a date.  Specifically, she laughed and asked me who the next hottie I was gonna bring around.  To be honest, it made me feel like a sleaze, but I was also stupidly flattered.  I asked Jordan to be my plus one and he accepted.  He asked me all the right questions.  He made me feel good and confident.  He texted me late one night to come over and I got offended.  I thought I made it clear I wasn’t that type.  How could he get me so wrong?  I declined nicely and figured he wasn’t the petty type.  After all, he’s supposed to be a man right?  Do men act petty?  Apparently some do!  The time came for my friend’s wedding and I decided to remind him a few days before.  He asked me the time and then nothing.  I didn’t bother following up with other details.  I knew what was going on.  I gave him the chance to communicate until the day of the wedding (specifically, early that morning) I blocked him from my contacts and social media.  It was disrespectful to do what he did.

In the midst of the Jordan shit, I guess I had a drunk evening out with friends the night before my friend’s wedding and DMed Erik – who I noticed was following and watching my stories on Instagram for a while.  I didn’t care and didn’t have any intent to do anything… until I got desperate.  I discovered his account when I noticed his handle kept popping up anytime I looked at my viewers list. He didn’t have any actual pics of his face posted but I watched a video post and realized it was THE Erik that ghosted me during the big pit of my life in 2017.  I think I sent “sup” around 11pm and I got a response early next day.  We agreed to meet up after the wedding.  It was understood we only wanted one thing from each other.  Except it didn’t work out that night.  He passed out early and I didn’t leave the wedding until 1130pm.  I had already planned for a bunch with my friend Stephanie the next day and work after.  While at work, Erik wanted to spontaneously meet up and I agreed.  He booked a room at Hotel Granduca and it was great time.  It felt like two old friends that barely knew each other… catching up.  Except when I deleted his contact from my phone/life in 2017, that date and all those details about him went with it.  I couldn’t remember basic things about him.  Except one conversation when he told me he was out to meet up a friend for drinks and invited me but I declined.  He told me later that night his truck had gotten keyed or scratched.  He asked me if I did it and I laughed and said no.  He said it seemed like a crazy bitch thing to do, that’s why he asked me.  The whole thing was so new, I didn’t know how to react to that.  Naturally, if it were someone I knew for a while I would’ve taken it as a joke and banter back but after 2 weeks of chatting and calling me a crazy bitch seemed… strong.  I let it go at the time because I liked him.  Sitting up in the hotel bed with him, this is the only conversation I could think of.  He was rewinding John Wick 3 and trying to grasp the plot bc we kept missing it during the multiple rounds of sex and I was in my thoughts about what was going on.  I finally had sex with the guy I liked so much and it was great. But why?  I barely knew him.  And the only thing I had on him was when he indirectly called me a crazy bitch and not committing to that second date.  I asked him what type of movies he liked and he mentioned he liked rom-coms.  That surprised me bc that’s a genre of movies I dislike.  I remember looking at him when he said that and didn’t know if I could believe it – if he was even capable of being romantic.

I was in the middle of another pit in my life when Erik decided I was finally worth his time.  All my friends were either getting engaged, having weddings, or giving birth.  Reaching milestones and I was having kidney stones.  Just kidding, I just wanted to say that.  I was busy being self absorbed, finding excuses to ruin potentially good relationships bc I have trust issues, and not bettering myself in any way.  Erik had just moved back to Houston after having spent a year or so in Miami working some engineer position at a theme park.  I never wanted to ask too much about his life.  Didn’t want to seem nosy or wanted whatever we had to evolve to anything more than it was.  I wasn’t ready, I had my own issues, I didn’t feel like I deserved knowing.  He was giving me attention and the affection I wanted.  I just wished it was at a time in my life I felt better about myself.  I didn’t want to find myself bending over backwards for someone, changing who I am, to maintain a relationship that wasn’t honest.  So I continued to plan my life without him.  Meaning, if he wanted to see me, I wouldn’t be so available.  If he wanted to do something with me, I’m not available.  He even asked for work dates a couple times, which was so cute and totally doable, but I lied and said I couldn’t.  I wasn’t going to change up my schedule for him until I was more confident and he opened himself to me without me trying to dig.  He tried, I suppose.  He wanted to see me but I was busy.  I went to San Fran and he asked to meet with me and I declined even though it would’ve made me so happy.  Little break from my cousins and some exploring of a new city with a new guy.  But I was stern about not being available for guys just bc they’re handsome and I liked them.  He asked to pick me up from the airport, I declined.  He planned for something to do together once I came back and I dodged the idea.  It was up in the air and I kept it that way.  He even said he felt a certain way about me rejecting him.  I had to reassure him that I was still interested but just busy.  If you know me, I do a good job of googling a person.  A really good job.  I knew it was going to be his birthday around the same time I came back to Houston.  He was planning for something to do together.  I didn’t want to be involved.  I didn’t want the pressure – knowing it was his birthday and things were so new… liking him so much.  I didn’t feel like I was good enough.  I kept him hanging until the day we had tentatively agreed to meet up.  I purposely worked longer that Friday as an excuse to not meet up.  He was great about it considering he had something planned and it was his birthday but clearly unhappy and disappointed that I didn’t make an effort to see him.  He was texting differently.  I didn’t want to care, maybe I was still upset by the way he treated me the first time.  I made plans with friends that weekend and he spent his bday weekend alone at some hotel near/in Galveston.  I wanted to be with him badly but again, I did not like the pressure of knowing it was his bday and he wanted to spend it with me.

He came back to Houston and made passive aggressive conversation to make me feel guilty I guess.  He never told me it was his bday so I really did feel guilty anyway but when he finally told me I had to pretend like I didn’t know.  I felt like a fraud.  I can’t remember what sparked the light argument we had but he said something along the lines of “it shouldn’t have mattered, if you wanted to see me you would’ve. You didn’t want to”.  He doesn’t understand how complicated I am.  I wanted to be with him but it was too serious for me.  Even if he somehow loved me, he still wouldn’t understand me and how I process things.  He’s not the type to understand.  I’m too deep in my feelings and he doesn’t even acknowledge his own.  This was what we did for months until end of January.  He had to deal with my inconsistencies and I was still trying to figure out why I liked him so much.  There were times we’d hang out and I’d come back home either feeling certain it was over or I felt like I was in limbo.  I didn’t dislike him but I didn’t find myself giddy to be with him.  Yet I couldn’t let go of the idea of him not being mine.  I was possessive over a guy I wasn’t even obsessed with.

I thought I could keep him interested as long as I wanted.  I thought I had a good sense of his taste and preferences in women.  I didn’t think he had any prospects or at least good prospects that would threaten my thing with him.  I thought I had time and he could wait for me when I was ready.  I shouldn’t have assumed that and I can’t expect people to wait for me.  Especially when there’s a 9-yr age gap.  I had some idea of what he liked, according to his IG following list.  The common thing were these young girls desperate for attn / IG model types but unremarkable in real life.  Then a different following for raunchy, ass n tits in the air types that clearly had inconsistent father figures in their lives.  Ugh, don’t we all?  This didn’t bother me. He didn’t seem to follow any Asians which made me feel weird.  I guess it’s better than him having an asian fetish and following a shitton of asian girls. That would turn me off 100000%. Anyway, the types he seemed to like were blonde and trashy.  I figured it was a common thing most men like.

Which brings me to the point, he’s officially in a relationship.  Just two months after we stopped talking.  Doesn’t make sense.  It means he was already talking to her when he was tangled in my bullshit I weaved.  I don’t want to hate that lady.  I say lady bc she’s older than me.  She has two kids, recently divorced but could still be legally married, not even cute.  Which is so confusing.  That’s mean of me but it seriously offends me, makes me question my looks, makes me question what he found attractive in me, makes me wanna puke.  But it’s also a relief.  If she was actually really attractive, smarter, and more successful than me, I would be miserable.  That’s something guys wouldn’t understand but females get this.  Considering her background and his background, they would make a better couple.  I was somewhat happy for him and even for her.  I know how tough it is for females in general, especially her age AND she has kids.  It surprises me Erik would be interested in that.  It seems like a big load to suddenly take on.  I couldn’t help but look into her fb and noticed she’s related to Erik’s cousin’s wife or something.  That’s cute I suppose.  She had tons of albums that showcased different stages of her life.  If she was a bright person, she would hide or delete some of those moments.  She still had pictures of her first engagement (low class type of guy), second engagement/marriage she had kids with (who is a ginger country bumpkin), and then now Erik?  Does he realize this makes him look bad??  It seemed all too… Hillbilly-esque.  I can’t help but look at her family and see extended cast of Roseanne.  THIS is what bothers me.  Erik didn’t want to try anymore with me. Which is fair, I didn’t make it easy for him or make him feel valuable.  I didn’t respect his time or his efforts, especially in the beginning.  But to be involved with a mom that comes off unrefined, unaware, and generally underdressed for all occasions screams low self worth.  Erik had signs of it that I didn’t want to acknowledge because I didn’t want to feel like I was involved with an older version of the Peter Pan Symptom types I was so used to dating.  I’ll never do that again. I’ll never deny the signs just to avoid the truth for the sake of pretending like everything is great.  Erik was cynical, relentlessly sarcastic, and had a defeated energy you could feel an arms length away.  I always wanted him to feel comfortable enough to confide in me without me trying to pry it out.  There were clearly things in his life he carried on his back that weighed him down.  There was something he wasn’t saying but who was I to expect him to confide in me, to try and figure it out or help him, when I was rejecting all his efforts.  I wanted to connect with him so badly but maybe I should’ve been the first one to open up.  He doesn’t even know 1/10 of who I am.  He may think I’m some entitled, superficial, uninformed, pseudo-smart millennial.  I’m all that and much more!!  I hate that he’ll never know and I wasted all that time being unclear about my feelings for him. I mean, I still don’t understand my feelings for him. I don’t necessarily see myself with him for many years but I thought we’d share quality time in different ways. Does that make sense?

I am frustrated he doesn’t know me.  I am offended he doesn’t know his own worth and settling for someone who would TOTALLY cheat on him with a dark dude and monster dong.  She seriously seems like that type that would have a side thing with a co-worker.  She also seems like a vet at buttstuff.  Judging from past convos, I’m sure they’re deviants in the sex realm and this is probably what their relationship is based on.  I’m not sensing very cerebral, meaningful, cultural, or erudite convos with this broad.  I’m not trying to be mean but considering her photos and her poor taste in men, she seems like that mom that also wants to drink with her daughters and flirt with their male friends. 

I’m disappointed he doesn’t see that working a little harder on himself could open doors to a better way of living and better class of women.  I mean, that excludes me but I would like to see him with someone better than me.  It would hurt me, the realization that I was passed for someone better but at least she would be better looking, highly educated, good family background, etc.  Seeing a guy with so much potential settle for someone who has no potential feels like a loss in many ways.

He always seemed a bit self conscious about his age.  Not sure if our age difference made him feel that way.  I always tried to make him feel like age didn’t matter.  But in some cases, how could it not matter?  9 years is a lot.  That’s how long my father was in prison/concentration camp when the war ended.  That’s a whole decade gone.  Erik once mentioned he had no faith in humanity, I wanted him to be more optimistic about ppl and life and be less cynical.  I wanted the opportunity to challenge him to be a better version of himself.  I sensed a highly intelligent but defeated (for whatever reason) person under his beard.  I felt like he was hiding behind that beard of his.  Hiding from adulthood and I suppose hiding a double chin.  I was happy he had hobbies in his life to keep his mind occupied.  I am so unimpressed with the person he decided was good enough to make the relationship official with on fb.  Maybe I think too highly of him? Maybe I’m totally wrong about his potential?  Perhaps this is who he is and I should accept this as the truth?  The fact that I’m offended, am I trying to justify the feelings I had for him by painting him as someone better on paper but not in real life because I’m embarrassed by his recent choices?  Am I too serious and particular about who should be classified as a significant other? 

I thought a gf/bf was support but also a reflection of what you value in others and what they can teach you.  I just sensed he is a bit lost in life. Like most of us.  I know I care too much about how others think of me but this means I have standards and I know how to be embarrassed.  I know he had insecurities and being close to 40 probably made him stressed in unnecessary ways.  I hope this lady challenges and motivates him in a good way.  I can’t help but feel he is settling for someone simple to live an easier, less complicated/competitive life, that doesn’t require him to work any harder than he does now.  I don’t wanna be all asian but it makes me think about the stresses of being a parent.  At least, being an asian parent.  Having certain expectations for your kids, knowing their potential, and letting them dissolve that potential has to hurt to witness.  I think too much.  All he needed was the energy to force him in situations to do better, thrive in those challenging environments, and BE better.  He had this general mood as if “this is my life, I’m done”.  I guess he lived up his 20s traveling, worked hard in his 30s, and he wants to plateau in his 40s.  I could be totally wrong and he’s not who I think he should be.  He could be already living as the person he’s supposed to be, genuinely happy, and I’m fucking dramatic as shit.  But sober.