I took great offense when Erik didn’t try to salvage whatever we had. I couldn’t figure out why I liked him so much at the time and I was honest when I told him whatever we had wasn’t fun anymore and I wanted to quit. In hindsight, I really wanted him to try harder to keep me so I could turn him down again. I’m a child. I don’t know why I do this. I’m terrible. I’m probably repeating a lot of what I mentioned 2 posts ago (which is in draft mode, I hate the way I worded some things) but I’ve still been feeling bad about what happened. Not so much guilt for what I did, (okay there’s a lot of guilt) but also more of a worthless feeling about myself. I may have resolved it!
If he was actually what he presented himself to be; someone refined, worldly, educated, and financially comfortable – his decision to settle for a country broad with 2 kids from a previous marriage to a ginger hick would make any reasonable person (aka me) feel inadequate. I think that is a fair reaction! Wouldn’t a sensible person settle for a young broad, with low self worth, that has room to be… impressionable, and mold-able be more appealing? Or whats more appealing: staying single, dating around, being a lothario. Am I so physically unattractive that I pushed a guy so far away he rather take on a country yellow bleach blonde lump and 2 burdens plus a hick ex-husband?!
So, yesterday I had a small procedure that has tied me to my bed for the next 2-3 days. Bored out of my mind, I decided to look at Erik’s Facebook. I look at his feature photo of him and her plus her kids. The photo was something you’d find as a meme for Florida, Nascar, Ultraconservatism, racism, and what happens when you don’t wear a condom. The lump was carrying a bump!
This is actually good news for me. Here’s why. I feel like Erik had to commit to something he wasn’t totally prepared for but this was one of his goals in life. To be a dad – so he’s pursuing that. I recall a conversation we had about children. I made the statement that I couldn’t focus at work because my boss brought in her kids and their cousins. 6-8 kids ages 3-10 were running around and screaming at the top of their lungs and I couldn’t even think. His response made me seem cold – as if I don’t like or want kids. He expressed he wanted many. Not only did this disgust me, it bothered me because it is so irresponsible to want “many kids” and not feel like you’re compromising the quality of parenting with each kid. Does that make sense? Especially without the financial backing to provide the best life. He mentioned his dad worked a lot, he traveled and didn’t spend enough time at home, and his mom basically sacrificed her life to be a stay-at-home mother. Why is that a life a reasonable thinking person wants to recreate? I find it so selfish! Yes, in an ideal world, I would have at least 2 kids, no trust issues with the father of those kids, and I wouldn’t being writing this dumbass post for this lousy attempt for a blog or whatever. That’s not how life works. While being a parent/mother is fulfilling, I can’t help but think about the missed opportunities these moms missed out on.
The point is: I feel some relief. Finally. Some justification for the actions that transpired during and after the ending of this nonsense I created. But I feel like dating is so scary. You really don’t know who the other person is no matter how much time you spend with that person – it could be a facade. Erik presented himself as someone who had his shit together. I think I wanted to like him so much because he physically looked the part for me, he wasn’t a dunce, seemed lost even at his age – I wanted to help him with that, and I really enjoyed his sense of humor. His humor showcased his outlook on life, his experiences, and his knowledge. He had some shortcomings but was a champ about it and he knew how to adjust accordingly! Erik lacked honesty, self awareness, and had an uncalibrated moral compass. I don’t usually feel this way often… Encountering someone with the right tools to succeed and do better, not use those tools to create something great but instead lead and recreate a life that only perpetuates the idea that the man can work and travel and the woman stays home to raise his kids and have food ready when he comes home. If or when he comes home.
No offense to anyone that has this lifestyle. I’m not actually super progressive but I believe in giving the woman a choice and chance to live her life too. Sometimes that means having children later in life… or not at all and adopting. Also, I could never raise a child in the world we live in now. I could not relive the struggle of being one of many kids – the lack of attention, food, and basic care. It’s not how I personally want to raise my kids. It may not seem like I want kids but I’ve conditioned myself to not expect… expecting. I refuse to want kids and reach a point in my life where it would be impossible or selfishly pressured to have kids.
At work, this guy I was in a meeting with asked me a lot of personal questions. I usually don’t mind because he was one of those types that didn’t grow up in a very diverse area. So any chance he has with a minority, it’s his time to ask questions. He asked a lot of the typical White guy questions but then the conversation trailed into family, kids, blending cultures and religion. Heavy stuff for a meeting about grease/protein removal at a commercial property. I mentioned I didn’t want kids. Mind you, this was days before my little procedure that wouldn’t necessarily determine but directly affect whether I could carry a child or not. That last sentence was stupid. But it would be my second cut. Meaning… I was mentally preparing myself for the worst so I was saying and thinking things that would make me less crazy for potentially bad news after my results. Jesus Christ, kimberly get to the point. This guy mentioned I should want kids and I should want many. I had been looking across a man who I thought was reasonable. Now he was saying things like “you should want many kids. I’m serious…”. I joked and said “oh, I get it. To cancel out all the dumdum people having kids” and he said “well, that too”. It was an interesting meeting. It was more like an interview, which I didn’t mind. I find that happens a lot when I am in meetings with just myself representing the company. Topic trails off into my personal life and people find me interesting for some reason. Asian spectacle?
Anyway, life goes on. It’s weird how a couple months pass and swift decision making changes the direction of our lives almost completely. For some, like me, not so much. To know what I know, I don’t know how Erik can manage what is going on and what is yet to come. Maybe my childish mind can’t wrap my head around the idea because I’m still in a selfish phase and I rather live for myself right now. I want to close the subject about Erik with the guilt I have. Guilt that has been building up for some months. For a while I knew he had been struggling financially but it wasn’t until after I ended things is when I was sure if it. I had my suspicions during our time together but he seemed so confident about it all. I’m feeling some sort of sadness that’s hard to sum up in one word. He put up a front to keep me around. Whether his intent to keep me long term or short, it doesn’t matter. I never want a guy to pretend to be someone he isn’t to be involved with me. He had been looking at apartments and settled for one that was a new development but not necessarily upscale. It didn’t bother me but I acknowledged that because it was an indicator of how much he could/was willing to spend on living. Look, I would’ve continued seeing him if he decided on living somewhere like… energy corridor, ok? Damnit, even if he settled on Spring. As long as the chemistry and sex was still strong. I’ve done a lot of dating in my life. Not to brag. It’s sad really lol. But with my experience, I typically know what I’m working with. Most of them cheap with food but splurging on their living and travel situation hard. Why not? 30-something, single, smart, financially comfortable, handsome types that also pay attention to designer/trendy must-haves. So when Erik decided on this particular place, I suppose that was one sign. One of a few that I ignored for the sake of not trying to pry or look for reasons to kibosh. Neither here nor there, that doesn’t mean the place was cheap, either. Erik was behind on property taxes every year. I felt partially responsible this year. Had he not felt pressured to rent a place because of me (he had been booking hotels for us and this was getting expensive) maybe he would have 15-18k set aside for his new country bumpkin baby on the way and pay those property taxes on time. Sending a gift is weird and creepy but I feel like I owe him. The guilt I have for all his efforts in the beginning of our… entanglement (that’s cool to say right now, right?) which seemed genuine. Me avoiding spending time with him on his birthday because I didn’t want whatever we had going on to mean more than what it was at the time. He spent that time alone at a resort hotel. I’m a jerk in many ways but he wasn’t honest anyway.
There is a memory that comes up often when I do think about my time with Erik. He made me watch “Dont F*ck With Cats” on Netflix KNOWING IT WOULD MAKE ME CRY. He asked me something along the lines of ever googling someone or wondering if I/myself would be so google-able? God, does that make sense? I went to Alief, forgive me. I wanted to tell him I googled him before and I tell him what I knew about him but instead I told him I wouldn’t be so track-able online because I’m not a total dolt. At the point, I knew a lot. I can’t tell if I would’ve treated him differently knowing what I knew about him. If I had not known it was his birthday when he invited me to go somewhere with him… I may have agreed to see him. Knowing it was his birthday weighed heavy on me because I didn’t want to ruin his future birthdays… knowing I would disappoint him at some point anyway. I’m rambling at this point.
In the financial position I’m in, I’m grateful I can spoil myself and 2 cats. I’m almost 30. That may sound old, they may sound young. I can continue to be selfish, that isn’t wrong. I will fix my face. I will fix my body. 2021, new me – physically lol. I’ll do what makes me happy. If I can find someone that can appreciate that, that would be nice. Meanwhile, I’m sure as hell not settling. I will not be tied down and live a life that is apparently miserable for at least one person in the relationship. That seems to be the trend with all relationships lately. Maybe this will be the reason why I end up alone but if I drink enough I’ll never be alone in my head. Dave Attell, anyone?