Limbo Kimbo

It’s not normal how shallow I can be.
Having said that, it’s confusing how oblivious others can be.
Let’s call this guy Erik.
Erik was someone I met in early 2017.  After having ended another short term relationship with a guy much older than me (some guy in law school who was also bar-tending full time – I felt he was too immature and not man enough), I went on a dating app and matched with Erik.  I agreed to meet him at Edison.  I guess at some point I googled him.  I thought I was finally dealing with a mature guy.  I learned he was some upper management at an oil and gas company my friend was working at, let’s call my friend Brad.  I had actually been on one or two dates with Brad.  Brad was the first guy I had gone on dates with that was my age.  Clearly it didn’t work with Brad, I felt like I was in high school when I was with him.  I’ve always been attracted to older guys.  Not significantly older but old enough to acknowledge I was at a different stage in life – much different than other dumb broads my age were at and this always made relationships difficult. Difficult because older guys seeking younger broads are immature but also under the impression they can get away with more but not with me. I have always been older than my age in many ways. I didn’t have the patience and they didn’t respect my time.  Or vise versa.

Anyway, back to Erik.  I felt like I wasn’t on a date but at a job interview.  He was older looking in person but more handsome – that was distracting.  He was almost the epitome of what I was looking for physically.  Tall, dark full thick hair, can grow a good beard, good build/masculine, good voice, good hands, good face.  I could go on and on about the traits that ultimately don’t matter at all.  I recall feeling small.  As in… dimwitted, ill-mannered, and brash with nothing valuable to share.  I told myself “you got here, it doesn’t have to go anywhere, make the best of it, you’ll never see this guy again” so I decided to just let go and be myself.  I felt like he was out of my league.  He had done so much and seen so much, what could I say that would keep his interest?  Nothing.  I didn’t care, I just wanted to get this job interview over.  He walked me to my car, I put out my hand to give him a business handshake, and he pulled me in for a kiss.  Which was a shock because he seemed so disinterested anytime I talked.  Anyway, it’s not until recently I learned that’s just his regular face.  If you asked him about it, he would blame it on being INTJ I guess.  We continued to text and he had suggested some bar meet at some point.  I felt like a child talking to an adult.  If you can’t pick up the general theme of my posts, I have extremely low self worth.  I wanted him to like me so badly, I thought he was a gem, I had been dating loser after loser after potential serial killer after loser.  When it came time to the day he suggested to meet again… he had some excuse about not having a car or needing to pick up another car and something about his knee/leg injury.  It offended me so badly that he couldn’t tell me beforehand or even suggest another day to meet.  I gave him a sassy text and deleted the entire convo and his contact.  I felt like a zero.  I was so attracted to who I thought he was and to have him reject me filled me with rage and sadness for a couple months.  At that point in my life, I had quit my job that overworked me and didn’t value me.  I was too prideful when they asked me to come back for double the pay.  I didn’t want to work with the same board members that questioned my worth.  Double the pay just wasn’t enough.  I was rejected by a guy who I thought was kinda perfect, I was unemployed, I was living at home.  It felt like I took steps backwards and ended up where I was when I had just graduated college.

Fast forward to late 2018/early 2019, I had been breadcrumbing a Serbian guy for many, many months.  You can read about that in previous posts if I kept them up but I’ll include a summed up version.  Pretty rotten of me but he always had open arms when I needed affection.  Before Serby, I was in a serious relationship with a guy I cared a lot for but was unsure about committing to because we had such different backgrounds.  He was too Southeast?/Pearland/League City and I was too city girl/Southwest/Alief.  That relationship taught me so much about myself, others, and life.  I wasn’t ready to be in another serious thing.  Even if it was meaningless with Serb, I needed to feel adored.  Something that was strongly missing in the serious relationship. I believe Serby genuinely adored me.  I appreciated that but I still didn’t like him.  I wanted to really like him but the physical stuff just wasn’t there for me. We had a lot of the same interests but I wasn’t attracted enough to want to stick around. His accent, commentary during movies, and juuling was all too much for me.  I was dating other guys while still seeing the Serbian.  I wasn’t hiding it but I also wasn’t sharing it either.  Why would I? Too awkward when he treated me so nicely.  This sounds bad but I had dated a lot of guys and I don’t remember what or who made me feel worthless but I was in another small pit.  Work was good, I had changed up jobs and was working longer hours that kept me out of trouble.  However the hours I had to myself, I was drowning in silence and boredom.  I don’t have too many hobbies or friends that share my interests.  I’m too much like a guy sometimes and the guy friends I end up meeting only want to fuck me. The realization I was only getting older, finding myself more lonely, I knew the Serbian was there for me.  Who was I to judge his appearance when I am not all that striking to begin with?  He was actually handsome just not my type.  Height was a deal breaker though.  I was asking for too much when I should have been grateful someone liked me for who I was.  I didn’t have to filter anything about myself.  Long story short, that ended. Badly.  And very immaturely – for both people.  Technically three people.

I met a guy named Jordan who seemed promising.  He was closer to my age.  He was very cute in a Ryan Philippe kind of way.  Not usually my type but I wasn’t in the position to be picky.  He was very superficial and I liked it.  Was in grad school, business program at Rice.  I felt like I met my match in some ways yet at the same time, I wasn’t interested in a relationship in general.  I felt like he was a good replacement for the Serbian.  Jordan asked me out a few times and I cared more about work than seeing him.  I was staying out of trouble but also didn’t care for his method of asking me out.  It was almost always last minute, like the day of.  It came off desperate and as if I was his last resort so I couldn’t allow myself to let him get away with that.  He might argue he is more spontaneous and doesn’t like to plan things.  Which is fair but I need a heads up.  Like 2-3 days lol.  I kept it cordial but made it clear I’m not that down for whatever whenever type of bitch. One of my close friends was getting married end of July and she asked me if I was bringing a date.  Specifically, she laughed and asked me who the next hottie I was gonna bring around.  To be honest, it made me feel like a sleaze, but I was also stupidly flattered.  I asked Jordan to be my plus one and he accepted.  He asked me all the right questions.  He made me feel good and confident.  He texted me late one night to come over and I got offended.  I thought I made it clear I wasn’t that type.  How could he get me so wrong?  I declined nicely and figured he wasn’t the petty type.  After all, he’s supposed to be a man right?  Do men act petty?  Apparently some do!  The time came for my friend’s wedding and I decided to remind him a few days before.  He asked me the time and then nothing.  I didn’t bother following up with other details.  I knew what was going on.  I gave him the chance to communicate until the day of the wedding (specifically, early that morning) I blocked him from my contacts and social media.  It was disrespectful to do what he did.

In the midst of the Jordan shit, I guess I had a drunk evening out with friends the night before my friend’s wedding and DMed Erik – who I noticed was following and watching my stories on Instagram for a while.  I didn’t care and didn’t have any intent to do anything… until I got desperate.  I discovered his account when I noticed his handle kept popping up anytime I looked at my viewers list. He didn’t have any actual pics of his face posted but I watched a video post and realized it was THE Erik that ghosted me during the big pit of my life in 2017.  I think I sent “sup” around 11pm and I got a response early next day.  We agreed to meet up after the wedding.  It was understood we only wanted one thing from each other.  Except it didn’t work out that night.  He passed out early and I didn’t leave the wedding until 1130pm.  I had already planned for a bunch with my friend Stephanie the next day and work after.  While at work, Erik wanted to spontaneously meet up and I agreed.  He booked a room at Hotel Granduca and it was great time.  It felt like two old friends that barely knew each other… catching up.  Except when I deleted his contact from my phone/life in 2017, that date and all those details about him went with it.  I couldn’t remember basic things about him.  Except one conversation when he told me he was out to meet up a friend for drinks and invited me but I declined.  He told me later that night his truck had gotten keyed or scratched.  He asked me if I did it and I laughed and said no.  He said it seemed like a crazy bitch thing to do, that’s why he asked me.  The whole thing was so new, I didn’t know how to react to that.  Naturally, if it were someone I knew for a while I would’ve taken it as a joke and banter back but after 2 weeks of chatting and calling me a crazy bitch seemed… strong.  I let it go at the time because I liked him.  Sitting up in the hotel bed with him, this is the only conversation I could think of.  He was rewinding John Wick 3 and trying to grasp the plot bc we kept missing it during the multiple rounds of sex and I was in my thoughts about what was going on.  I finally had sex with the guy I liked so much and it was great. But why?  I barely knew him.  And the only thing I had on him was when he indirectly called me a crazy bitch and not committing to that second date.  I asked him what type of movies he liked and he mentioned he liked rom-coms.  That surprised me bc that’s a genre of movies I dislike.  I remember looking at him when he said that and didn’t know if I could believe it – if he was even capable of being romantic.

I was in the middle of another pit in my life when Erik decided I was finally worth his time.  All my friends were either getting engaged, having weddings, or giving birth.  Reaching milestones and I was having kidney stones.  Just kidding, I just wanted to say that.  I was busy being self absorbed, finding excuses to ruin potentially good relationships bc I have trust issues, and not bettering myself in any way.  Erik had just moved back to Houston after having spent a year or so in Miami working some engineer position at a theme park.  I never wanted to ask too much about his life.  Didn’t want to seem nosy or wanted whatever we had to evolve to anything more than it was.  I wasn’t ready, I had my own issues, I didn’t feel like I deserved knowing.  He was giving me attention and the affection I wanted.  I just wished it was at a time in my life I felt better about myself.  I didn’t want to find myself bending over backwards for someone, changing who I am, to maintain a relationship that wasn’t honest.  So I continued to plan my life without him.  Meaning, if he wanted to see me, I wouldn’t be so available.  If he wanted to do something with me, I’m not available.  He even asked for work dates a couple times, which was so cute and totally doable, but I lied and said I couldn’t.  I wasn’t going to change up my schedule for him until I was more confident and he opened himself to me without me trying to dig.  He tried, I suppose.  He wanted to see me but I was busy.  I went to San Fran and he asked to meet with me and I declined even though it would’ve made me so happy.  Little break from my cousins and some exploring of a new city with a new guy.  But I was stern about not being available for guys just bc they’re handsome and I liked them.  He asked to pick me up from the airport, I declined.  He planned for something to do together once I came back and I dodged the idea.  It was up in the air and I kept it that way.  He even said he felt a certain way about me rejecting him.  I had to reassure him that I was still interested but just busy.  If you know me, I do a good job of googling a person.  A really good job.  I knew it was going to be his birthday around the same time I came back to Houston.  He was planning for something to do together.  I didn’t want to be involved.  I didn’t want the pressure – knowing it was his birthday and things were so new… liking him so much.  I didn’t feel like I was good enough.  I kept him hanging until the day we had tentatively agreed to meet up.  I purposely worked longer that Friday as an excuse to not meet up.  He was great about it considering he had something planned and it was his birthday but clearly unhappy and disappointed that I didn’t make an effort to see him.  He was texting differently.  I didn’t want to care, maybe I was still upset by the way he treated me the first time.  I made plans with friends that weekend and he spent his bday weekend alone at some hotel near/in Galveston.  I wanted to be with him badly but again, I did not like the pressure of knowing it was his bday and he wanted to spend it with me.

He came back to Houston and made passive aggressive conversation to make me feel guilty I guess.  He never told me it was his bday so I really did feel guilty anyway but when he finally told me I had to pretend like I didn’t know.  I felt like a fraud.  I can’t remember what sparked the light argument we had but he said something along the lines of “it shouldn’t have mattered, if you wanted to see me you would’ve. You didn’t want to”.  He doesn’t understand how complicated I am.  I wanted to be with him but it was too serious for me.  Even if he somehow loved me, he still wouldn’t understand me and how I process things.  He’s not the type to understand.  I’m too deep in my feelings and he doesn’t even acknowledge his own.  This was what we did for months until end of January.  He had to deal with my inconsistencies and I was still trying to figure out why I liked him so much.  There were times we’d hang out and I’d come back home either feeling certain it was over or I felt like I was in limbo.  I didn’t dislike him but I didn’t find myself giddy to be with him.  Yet I couldn’t let go of the idea of him not being mine.  I was possessive over a guy I wasn’t even obsessed with.

I thought I could keep him interested as long as I wanted.  I thought I had a good sense of his taste and preferences in women.  I didn’t think he had any prospects or at least good prospects that would threaten my thing with him.  I thought I had time and he could wait for me when I was ready.  I shouldn’t have assumed that and I can’t expect people to wait for me.  Especially when there’s a 9-yr age gap.  I had some idea of what he liked, according to his IG following list.  The common thing were these young girls desperate for attn / IG model types but unremarkable in real life.  Then a different following for raunchy, ass n tits in the air types that clearly had inconsistent father figures in their lives.  Ugh, don’t we all?  This didn’t bother me. He didn’t seem to follow any Asians which made me feel weird.  I guess it’s better than him having an asian fetish and following a shitton of asian girls. That would turn me off 100000%. Anyway, the types he seemed to like were blonde and trashy.  I figured it was a common thing most men like.

Which brings me to the point, he’s officially in a relationship.  Just two months after we stopped talking.  Doesn’t make sense.  It means he was already talking to her when he was tangled in my bullshit I weaved.  I don’t want to hate that lady.  I say lady bc she’s older than me.  She has two kids, recently divorced but could still be legally married, not even cute.  Which is so confusing.  That’s mean of me but it seriously offends me, makes me question my looks, makes me question what he found attractive in me, makes me wanna puke.  But it’s also a relief.  If she was actually really attractive, smarter, and more successful than me, I would be miserable.  That’s something guys wouldn’t understand but females get this.  Considering her background and his background, they would make a better couple.  I was somewhat happy for him and even for her.  I know how tough it is for females in general, especially her age AND she has kids.  It surprises me Erik would be interested in that.  It seems like a big load to suddenly take on.  I couldn’t help but look into her fb and noticed she’s related to Erik’s cousin’s wife or something.  That’s cute I suppose.  She had tons of albums that showcased different stages of her life.  If she was a bright person, she would hide or delete some of those moments.  She still had pictures of her first engagement (low class type of guy), second engagement/marriage she had kids with (who is a ginger country bumpkin), and then now Erik?  Does he realize this makes him look bad??  It seemed all too… Hillbilly-esque.  I can’t help but look at her family and see extended cast of Roseanne.  THIS is what bothers me.  Erik didn’t want to try anymore with me. Which is fair, I didn’t make it easy for him or make him feel valuable.  I didn’t respect his time or his efforts, especially in the beginning.  But to be involved with a mom that comes off unrefined, unaware, and generally underdressed for all occasions screams low self worth.  Erik had signs of it that I didn’t want to acknowledge because I didn’t want to feel like I was involved with an older version of the Peter Pan Symptom types I was so used to dating.  I’ll never do that again. I’ll never deny the signs just to avoid the truth for the sake of pretending like everything is great.  Erik was cynical, relentlessly sarcastic, and had a defeated energy you could feel an arms length away.  I always wanted him to feel comfortable enough to confide in me without me trying to pry it out.  There were clearly things in his life he carried on his back that weighed him down.  There was something he wasn’t saying but who was I to expect him to confide in me, to try and figure it out or help him, when I was rejecting all his efforts.  I wanted to connect with him so badly but maybe I should’ve been the first one to open up.  He doesn’t even know 1/10 of who I am.  He may think I’m some entitled, superficial, uninformed, pseudo-smart millennial.  I’m all that and much more!!  I hate that he’ll never know and I wasted all that time being unclear about my feelings for him. I mean, I still don’t understand my feelings for him. I don’t necessarily see myself with him for many years but I thought we’d share quality time in different ways. Does that make sense?

I am frustrated he doesn’t know me.  I am offended he doesn’t know his own worth and settling for someone who would TOTALLY cheat on him with a dark dude and monster dong.  She seriously seems like that type that would have a side thing with a co-worker.  She also seems like a vet at buttstuff.  Judging from past convos, I’m sure they’re deviants in the sex realm and this is probably what their relationship is based on.  I’m not sensing very cerebral, meaningful, cultural, or erudite convos with this broad.  I’m not trying to be mean but considering her photos and her poor taste in men, she seems like that mom that also wants to drink with her daughters and flirt with their male friends. 

I’m disappointed he doesn’t see that working a little harder on himself could open doors to a better way of living and better class of women.  I mean, that excludes me but I would like to see him with someone better than me.  It would hurt me, the realization that I was passed for someone better but at least she would be better looking, highly educated, good family background, etc.  Seeing a guy with so much potential settle for someone who has no potential feels like a loss in many ways.

He always seemed a bit self conscious about his age.  Not sure if our age difference made him feel that way.  I always tried to make him feel like age didn’t matter.  But in some cases, how could it not matter?  9 years is a lot.  That’s how long my father was in prison/concentration camp when the war ended.  That’s a whole decade gone.  Erik once mentioned he had no faith in humanity, I wanted him to be more optimistic about ppl and life and be less cynical.  I wanted the opportunity to challenge him to be a better version of himself.  I sensed a highly intelligent but defeated (for whatever reason) person under his beard.  I felt like he was hiding behind that beard of his.  Hiding from adulthood and I suppose hiding a double chin.  I was happy he had hobbies in his life to keep his mind occupied.  I am so unimpressed with the person he decided was good enough to make the relationship official with on fb.  Maybe I think too highly of him? Maybe I’m totally wrong about his potential?  Perhaps this is who he is and I should accept this as the truth?  The fact that I’m offended, am I trying to justify the feelings I had for him by painting him as someone better on paper but not in real life because I’m embarrassed by his recent choices?  Am I too serious and particular about who should be classified as a significant other? 

I thought a gf/bf was support but also a reflection of what you value in others and what they can teach you.  I just sensed he is a bit lost in life. Like most of us.  I know I care too much about how others think of me but this means I have standards and I know how to be embarrassed.  I know he had insecurities and being close to 40 probably made him stressed in unnecessary ways.  I hope this lady challenges and motivates him in a good way.  I can’t help but feel he is settling for someone simple to live an easier, less complicated/competitive life, that doesn’t require him to work any harder than he does now.  I don’t wanna be all asian but it makes me think about the stresses of being a parent.  At least, being an asian parent.  Having certain expectations for your kids, knowing their potential, and letting them dissolve that potential has to hurt to witness.  I think too much.  All he needed was the energy to force him in situations to do better, thrive in those challenging environments, and BE better.  He had this general mood as if “this is my life, I’m done”.  I guess he lived up his 20s traveling, worked hard in his 30s, and he wants to plateau in his 40s.  I could be totally wrong and he’s not who I think he should be.  He could be already living as the person he’s supposed to be, genuinely happy, and I’m fucking dramatic as shit.  But sober.

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