Plan B…oy, am I fucked.

No one talks about it openly but I know many ppl that have had to use/buy plan b.  Most ppl don’t have any issues after they take it.  Lucky them!  The couple of times I’ve had to take it, most miserable experience ever.  I’m gonna be real and tell you I recently had to take it again. I’m highly disappointed in myself.  I’m 28, I never thought I would have to take it more than once in my life.  I’ve always been responsible but accidents happen.  I’m reaching my allotment for these accidents.

I met with an ex last Saturday to “catch up”.  I still don’t understand why he decided to reach out after 7 months.  I had so many questions I wanted to ask but I didn’t want to open something that was closing.  I suppose some things are just better not knowing.  To stay sane.  It had not dawned on me that it had already been 7 months.  He mentioned we were apart longer than we were together.  That shocked me because the time we were together felt like such a long time.  We did spend far too much time together.  After time has passed and keeping busy, looking back, I can see where I should’ve been more vocal and demand the time I needed for myself.  I suppose I liked him so much, I didn’t want to risk it by changing a routine.  That routine made us sick of each other.  I don’t know if things would’ve been any different in the end anyway.  When I had to take him home, the drive made me realize we live so far from each other and I did that drive every freaking Friday after work and Sunday evening or Monday morning.  Not saying he wasn’t worth it but I must have really wanted it to work.  I don’t drive that far for anyone lol.

Anyway, he looked good that night.  I couldn’t really tell if he was genuinely happy or just content.  He mentioned how we’re both generally negative which is true.  I am still that way but I know I make an effort to be positive.  I think about the worse scenarios to prepare myself and set low expectations.  Is that wrong?  With all the things that have happened to me recently; getting robbed at gunpoint, having to get a new car, changing jobs, GAINING WEIGHT, and other little things – I feel like I’ve been handling it all pretty well.  I can still laugh, I make the effort to go out, I try to date, I try to learn everyday.  At some point I realized I missed him a lot but I couldn’t decide if reconnecting with him would be bad for both of us.  I mostly miss communicating, just telling him what has been going on.  I feel like we would’ve been very decent friends if we knew how to not fuck each other bc that’s what ended up happening. It shocked me when he told me what he wanted to do with me sexually.  When we were together, I had to condition myself to be okay with the idea:  he just doesn’t like me enough to do certain things with me – and I was just going to be okay with it. I wish he had just done what he wanted when we were together.  It would’ve given me more confidence and assurance that he actually liked me.

We did what we wanted and I don’t regret it.  But he splooged in me and neither of us are ready to be parents.  As much as I want a baby, MORE than wanting a consistent boyf/husband, I didn’t want to have one that way.  It would’ve been selfish, complicated between me and the ex, and parenting styles would be very different.  I wasn’t gonna wait a month and assume I would be okay.  I also decided abortion is not an option for me.  It is for others, I feel like it should be enforced for some, lol but not me.  Plan b was the most reasonable option.  The most frustrating thing is… the symptoms I go through. Deeply emotional, abdominal pains, pelvic pains, my ribs ache, and the constant empty bloated-ness.  I probably cried like 3 times today at my desk at work.  Just letting a tear roll each time and sucking it back up and keeping busy.  The sharp pains every other hour was a nice reminder I had to deal with this alone/being quiet.  This is not something like when ppl have a common issue, for example, a tummy ache or headache and tell everyone around them.  “Oh man, I think what I had for lunch is giving me problems” or “drinking last night is giving be trouble this morning”.  Yeah? Well… “the plan b I had to take from unprotected sex I had Saturday really got me fucked up”.  Dealing with this alone is depressing.  I can’t reach out to the ex because I don’t want him to think I need him but I do.  Just as support.  Ya know, because he did this to me lol.  I never felt comfortable enough to confide in him about little things.  I know if I had an issue while we were together, he would’ve been there, but I would’ve felt like a burden.  A lot of my female friends bother their exes when they need help.  I can’t imagine doing that with this ex.  I think I know him well enough to assume he would rather not know.

I don’t know what that night really meant for either of us.  Maybe this is closure?  Maybe something we could do every 7 months lol?  I know I care a lot about him and I want him to be happy.  I would love to be friends but I don’t know if that’s realistic after what we’ve been through.  He asked if I ever fantasized about him and I wanted to lie but I told him the truth.  I didn’t tell him I thought about him often.  So many times I’ve seen a certain meme and I couldn’t show him.  I would think about him when I see something related to woodworking.  I think about him when I get whataburger and that weird request I made him do – record himself eating a whataburger when I was recovering from my tonsillectomy.

I don’t know.  To be so close to someone and pretend like you don’t know that person anymore is hard for me.  He’s seen me throw up, I’ve seen him throw up, but I can’t tell him the plan b pain I’ve been having??!  It definitely has altered the way I approach dating and guys that want a relationship.  Like the Serbian guy I’ve been dodging adores me, but I literally push him away.  I LITERALLY scootch at the very end of the bed when he wants to hold me.  I just don’t want his love lol.  But with the ex, I don’t mind it when he holds me in the middle of the night.  I actually kind of love it.  I guess that confuses me too.  Holding him and letting him hold me felt comfortable, good, and sweet.  But I don’t necessarily see myself going through that again.  MY POINT IS:  going through this plan b pain is hard.  It’s disappointing.  It’s embarrassing.  I have to explain myself tomorrow at the gyno and my doc will judge me with his eyes.  Uggghhhh.

I might agree to another drink-meet this Friday to distract myself.  That’s how I’ve been treating dates lately.  They’re a good distraction from the realization I am single, I’m 28, and all my friends are getting married.

Btw it’s weird; a lot of the Peter Pan Syndrone guys have been asking for dates and I’m not giving some pseudo lothario any chance of feeling good about himself when he’s not even that remarkable.  He can go fuck himself or the dumb zilch that thinks she’s a model and some apartment leasing mogul.  I can do another post about the odd dates I’ve had recently.

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