Lately I’ve been very distant with my friends. I was distant before my relationship, definitely during my relationship, and afterward. I love my friends because when I do allow myself to reconnect with them, it’s comfortable and genuine. I should probably stay connected with them.
I’m surprised by how many of my friends were upset by my break up. It was honestly a relief to me but I suppose I’m ashamed and I’m sometimes overwhelmed they might feel disappointment. When they express they thought the last boyfriend was “the one” it confuses me but mostly offends me. The same way it offended me when the ex said we were too much alike. The truth is, I changed who I was to settle for someone who… just wasn’t someone I think I deserved. I deserved more. I know that sounds rude but it’s hard to explain without mentioning every bit of it. Deserving more sounds entitled. I shouldn’t have changed so much of who I am… is what I’m trying to say. I do this thing where I pretend to be dumb or uninformed because I don’t like being right. I’m not confident enough to prove someone wrong and make someone else feel inadequate. I am constantly trying to please that other person and boost their confidence. I never put myself first.
ANYWAY, my friends. That’s the subject. I love that they care for me and my happiness. I’m not too close to my family and that’s hard as an Asian person because Asians are typically very family oriented. My friends have anyways been family to me so disappointing them makes me want to hide. I used to make the dumbest videos on social media. I kind of gotten back into that, not really entertaining, but I contribute SOMETHING. They are so supportive and I am happy to entertain. I suppose that is the best thing I can do for them while I put myself back together from changing who I was. I think if I take a panoramic view of what I’ve been doing, it’s very clear why I isolate myself. I think while I was trying to change who I was, I went too far, and I knew if I let friends witness this they’d be like WTF. I knew my actions were wrong but without anyone telling me no I was able to do it anyway. I don’t know if that makes sense.
Other news; I met someone a little over 2 weeks ago and I messed up. I was not happy for whatever reason that weekend so when we met at a coffee shop my energy was alarmingly low. I tried my hardest to stay engaged but I think it worked for 20m, the last +40m I was pretty drained. I just couldn’t focus. I feel bad that I was basically catatonic for most of the meet. I also noticed how badly I wanted to drink. It kind of scared me because my father is an alcoholic… he literally wakes up and drinks. Without at least one beer in him, he can’t think or function. He doesn’t get wasted daytime, he’s more of a responsible/reasonable drunk until evening time THEN that’s irrational “I have no kids” drunk. I’m usually kind of very likable first meets so I was sad that one went bad. Looking back at the past first meets, I usually had at least 2 old fashions in me sooo… I’m not my father’s daughter *emoji cry face*. I hate the idea I need alcohol in me to think. I asked the guy to hang out twice and he doesn’t seem interested. That’s also confusing lol. I just figure, even if he doesn’t like me, we have a lot of the same interests and he’s new in Houston. I wouldn’t mind hanging out and being friends. That’s the last thing a guy wants, I think. But, I have nothing but guy friends. Hm. I told my friend Evan about this and he was like “to be fair, didn’t you do this to me?”. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I basically did do that to Evan but thankfully our conversations evolved to a friendship and neither of us are even slightly attracted to each other. He really is my soul sister and I’m extremely grateful to have him in my life. I don’t have many gal pals in my life. I’m not a girly girl. Whenever I’ve tried to make new gal pals, they all end up being sheep-ish. That sounds catty lol. I respect other females that can think for themselves and we can bounce ideas off each other. Bitches that can be inspired not blatantly copy. I need a gay guy friend in my life because they understand and appreciate fashion. I love fashion. I need to rekindle that. I’m all over the place with this post. Thanks for reading if you got this far!