Peter Pan Syndrome

I always thought I would get married and have kids by a certain age.  I am realizing, considering the pace I’m going and the way my generation is behaving, I most likely won’t have any of that.  As depressing as that may sound, I know it can’t be that bad to be single for the rest of my life.  I still have lots of growing up to do, understanding people (myself included), exploring life outside Houston/Texas, AND there’s always good friends, hobbies, and cats!  It seems to me women are easier and men are more inconsistent than ever.  How do I condition myself to want something different?

Peter Pan syndrome is real.  I’m tired of being disappointed by men; Should I say boys?  Of course not all men.  The last guy I decided to stop seeing was and has been very good towards me.  I just wasn’t super attracted to him and I didn’t want to learn to like/love someone.  I guess I could name a handful of very decent guys, which still gives me some hope.  The ones I always seem to be attracted to are the most inconsistent males ever and their actions make me think or feel like a zilch.

Someone who started following me years ago on Instagram did nothing to make me want to follow him back.  I think it was one mega slow, boring day at work sometime in 2016 when I noticed he liked one of my pics.  I actually acknowledged his likes before but didn’t care enough to check out his account until that particular day.  He was surprisingly attractive in a Tom Cruise mixed with Patrick Bateman/American Psycho kind of way.  I decided to follow back.  Neither of us did shit except like each other’s posts until he decided to take a serious interest in me in March of this year.  Hah, it was actually 1 week or so after my breakup with the ex.  I thought this was a sign.  That’s the asian/Buddhist in me – tryna find a (mis)fortune, karma, or symbolic reason for everything.  He asked me out and I agreed to meet him for drinks.  I honestly put zero effort in appearance because… 1 – I assumed he was going to be 5’10; 2 – I assumed he was probably better looking in pictures than in real life; 3 – I wasn’t looking for anything but time to get away from work and home so I wasn’t consumed of negative thoughts about my breakup.  I’m actually not sure if I ever wrote about this guy before.  Anyway, I was wrong about my assumptions and we spent a significant amount of time together.  We met at 7pm on a Monday night; Mostly talking, drinking, and making out at multiple places around downtown until 2:30am.  I remember thinking “I like this guy too much and I don’t feel bad about it”.  He was talking at me and all I could think about was how much I was ready to settle for something I wasn’t even happy in just 1-2 weeks ago when someone who I had better conversations and more things in common with had been following me for years.  I also remember thinking “he’s awfully open and talking a lot about personal stuff, he can’t be looking for something casual, he’s not a fuckboy”.  Well boy was I wrong.

He kept suggesting we go to his place since it was getting late (should that have been a sign?) and I said I couldn’t do that so soon considering I had just gotten out of a relationship and it was our first meet.  He was respectful and we just continued to make out but I guess I brought up the idea of seeing him again.  I mean, I thought that wasn’t too far-fetched from reality.  The amount of making out and talking we did would make even the random hobo who asked us for change assume there’d be a second meet.  He said something along the lines of “we should do a proper date; dinner, drinks, and something” and I agreed.  The amount of making out was kind of ridiculous.  We agreed to see each other in a week because he was going to San Diego or whatever.  He texts me next day in the morning, I try my best to text back (I wasn’t too speedy with my responses because I was working) and then he is dead by 2pm.  I really wouldn’t put money on my slow responses being the reason he decided to give up on texting.  I assumed he was consumed by is travel plans and I didn’t try to reach out again.  He decided to do the same.  Until a month later he decides to comment on my IG stories.  I never responded.  He commented as if he didn’t owe me any explanation on zero communication for a month.  I understand he doesn’t really owe me anything but he can’t expect me to not be offended by what he did then just be so willingly to communicate again.

Some Peter Pan signs that I should’ve regarded:  35 years old.  I asked him when his last serious relationship was and he said 4 years ago.  Meaning, the last 4 years he’s just been dicking around.  He had just bought a condo; 1 bedroom.  That’s pretty clear he likes his single life and not looking to share space with someone else.  He had a dog for a long time but ended up having his mother take care of it.  That kind of screams “I suddenly don’t have time or energy for this dog I’ve had for many years and I’m giving up”.  Doesn’t that say a lot about how he would be in a long term relationship?  Lol am I being too asian?  He expressed his goals were to find someone to marry and have kids but his actions, not the ones involving me (or lack of actions), seemed to point opposite direction.  Judging from his social life, how he lives minus the social life, and the people he considers as friends, he is certainly Peter Pan-ing.

Another guy I decided to meet about a month ago from a dating app was someone I had actually matched with before.  When I was still in college!  It was during finals, my last semester.  He obviously did not remember which is fine because I didn’t want to explain my past.  I was surprised to see this guy because I remember thinking he was too handsome to be single but he must be an elite lothario, lol.  That’s how I even remember the guy.  So we meet and we did stuff.  I think it was clear there was no sparks.  Next day, after I left his place I realized I never thanked him for the drinks and I could’ve just not cared and gone silent but I hated the idea of someone thinking I was ungrateful, ill-mannered, and so entitled or something.  I thanked him via text and mentioned how someone noticed my pink Chanel boots.  I was genuinely really happy about that bc that was a tough elevator ride.  I looked like upper middle class whore but that elevator lady was so incredibly kind for making me feel less ashamed.  Oh, back to the point.  He said something like I’m welcome to more awkward walks of shame – or something!  It wasn’t something offensive, I mean it could’ve been to most ppl lol but I wasn’t bothered.  Even that, as casual as we both set the tone of our connection, he never suggested another time to see me.  Which fucken confuses me because I thought we had decent conversations and I was a decent broad.  I was fully engaged and kept the subjects flowing without getting too deep – no matter how bothered I was by my pimple and how I had very low energy.  I was keeping it real, not fronting but also nothing too obnoxious.  I even drove in my mothers old ass Lexus because my dumbass keeps locking my steering wheel somehow.  Btw, I learned how to unlock it quickly… kind of.

He made zero effort after that night and gave me zero signs of interest.  I was impatient and other prospects were forming a line so I decided he wasn’t going to do anything else with me.  That’s when I met the Serbian I recently had to stop seeing.  Last weekend, I post some dumb video on my IG story and he finally decides to show some interest.  I could’ve been offended but I wasn’t.  We agreed to meet before his trip to Turkey and he cancels on me the day of our meet.  Clearly I didn’t want anything but to hook up and kind of make up for how uncomfortable I was during… stuff but apparently he just didn’t care enough to even do that with me.  Why even agree to see me if he knew he didn’t want to?!  Why even reach out to me?!!  I remember asking him his goal in relationships when we first met – which is maybe odd to ask.  He responded, not verbatim “someone who I can have fun with…” then my mind just decided to forget everything else he said lol.  I don’t know what that really means.  I feel like he’s inconsistent, flaky, and keeps things ambiguous because maybe he’s talking to multiple broads.

I honestly didn’t think too much about it until yesterday… when I realized the only guys I’ve been talking to lately have been 35-36.  I’m 27, that’s almost a decade difference in age, why would these older guys be interested in me and how young are they willing to date?  What does that say about them and what they’re looking for?  Do men ever get to a point and think “meeting someone substantial would be nice bc dying alone sucks” or do they mentally prepare and look forward to that?  Men don’t seem to work that hard on getting what they want from a girl because we make it so easy for them.  So they don’t have to commit to anything.  I feel like a complete dunce at the end of the night or next day considering some of my actions lately.  Why don’t I know when to properly end the night after 1-2 hours?  What respect do I have for myself letting it drag on for 5-6hours or the entire night until next day? Why do I set myself up, set high expectations for people, and allow myself to get disappointed?  I know some female friends that go through the same inconsistencies and/or more complicated situations with guys.

I can’t remember a guy basically turning me down.  This is twice now and it’s really upsetting/disappointing.  It’s really got me feeling like a zilch and I know I shouldn’t take it so personally if I’m so firm on the idea of every single man out there having Peter Pan Syndrome.  I can’t be the only one experiencing this.  I’m so down and out about myself I almost considered reaching out to the crazy exbf who probably would’ve beat me and/or eventually killed me lol.  But that’s how much he liked me!  Passion, that’s my point.  And he was consistent!  Joking.

This post is so sloppy, sorry.

I will admit, I do miss the texts and calls from the last relationship.  I don’t necessarily miss the relationship – just the idea of someone concerned or wanting to talk and being available.  During my cardio session today, I thought about how some females could rely on their exes if they ever needed help.  I don’t even think I could consider asking the last exbf.  I don’t know if he really cared for me the way I cared about him.  Even though I wasn’t happy or seriously liked him, I genuinely enjoyed taking care of someone.  I miss that as an option.  Ppl tell me I’m young and there’s time but I’m being realistic about my future and the likelihood of me actually getting what I want.  Meeting someone that you could spend the rest of your life with and raising kids together is probably some of the best things to experience but it doesn’t happen to everyone.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s