Hurts To Walk

Is that too much info?  Lol

So I met a guy last Friday night.  I was not looking my best but I decided to go through with the drink-meet because I’m notorious for canceling then never following-up with next meet.  I’ve canceled so much on one of the prospects that he’s stopped trying, which I don’t feel too bad about.  We met once and he asked me out about 2-3 other times for 2nd drink-meet/date but it was mostly bad timing each time he suggested a date/time.  It’s actually a relief.  One other prospect I actually thought was more than decent decided to fall off the grid.  I find that odd after the 5-6hrs we spent together on the first meet.  I recall trying to end it early 2 times but he was the one dragging it out, texted me next day, then nothing for weeks.  Eyeroll emoji.  The guy from Friday night was very nice, handsome, and likable.  Will I see him again?  Who knows.  I want to say the ball is in his court.  Btw, I’ve been really wanting to go to a sportsball game!  Even baseball!!  I just wanna go for some odd reason.

I think he understood he was a rebound but I wouldn’t mind seeing him again.  He mentioned something about rules and feelings but I didn’t understand and didn’t feel like asking him to explain or repeat.  Lol.  I’m just keeping it simple.  I’m not looking for anything serious – I don’t think he cares as long as I don’t catch feelings.  I think that was what he was trying to say in an uber nice way.  I’m not too worried about catching feelings; I don’t know how I am so confident about saying that.  I am attracted to him but I guess I’m not getting certain vibes from him so my brain isn’t letting me feel extra shit.  I needed that night with someone else to boost my self esteem.

I was struggling with a huge pimple on my nose, which was contributing to my low self-worth.  I didn’t treat it immediately because I thought I was going to cancel on Friday Guy.  I decided to commit to the meet sometime midday and try not to let the pimple consume my head.  It fucking made me feel gross all night.  Whenever the guy was talking, I kept thinking “he’s looking at my pimple, he’s talking to my pimple, he’s judging me and my pimple.  He probably thinks I have a terrible diet, I don’t take care of myself/skin, he is grossed out by me”.  I’ve never been a huge acne person.  What I mean is, I don’t have these pimple issues too often.  They’re far and few.  I don’t know how to properly deal!  I always end up attacking and relentless picking.

I definitely had some walls up that night.  He was a good time.  I appreciate him treating me the way he did.  I hope I didn’t seem rude the way I left.  I got dressed fast, didn’t even pee, I didn’t want to be that bitch that loitered around too long.  I have nothing negative to say.  Except!  Lol.  I’m in pain.  I only had a salad for lunch and didn’t eat dinner Friday.  I didn’t want to look bloated in the face.  Knowing I didn’t have enough to eat, I knew my drinking limit for the night.  I don’t remember too much but I remember I was embarrassed about my legs fucking trembling!!  Never in my life, during uhh… that, have my legs trembled.  He didn’t seem bothered and it eventually stopped.  It was as if my lower half was going through a seizure.  I’m letting my body recover.

I still miss relationship-y things like hugging, cuddling, and hand holding.  That’s too much to ask for with someone new and when it’s clearly not serious.  I don’t think it would escalate things but whatever.  I’m starting to understand that weird cuddling service but not really because ew.  I’m hoping the pilates classes I signed up for recently will help me feel less lonely, improve my self esteem, enforce a routine, just overall make me feel some sort of positive feelz.

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