It’s been rough pretending nothing is going on with me while at work. My boss is being classic dunce and thank goodness Evan is being more than a decent friend the last few days. I appreciate him being more available via text even though he has a crazy work life. Instead of unloading all this extra shit I feel, I’m putting it down here. The loneliness is still nauseating. So I’m gonna go out and try to feel something else besides that and condition myself to enjoy my free time again.
I can’t help but think of the times my exbf was “on one” and would talk to his brother. It was so uncomfortable for me, I kept thinking his brother might address the issue in front of me, and it would escalate to a fight because it was so obvious. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I enabled and abandoned someone with a serious problem.
Before we broke up, I watched Clueless for the 3-millionth time. There was this scene where Cher talks to Tai…
Cher Horowitz: Tai, how old are you?
Tai Fraiser: I’ll be sixteen in May.
Cher Horowitz: My birthday is in April and, as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at a party, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
Dionne Davenport: Do you see the distinction?
Tai Fraiser: (clearly confused) Yeah.
Maybe I was the reason he lit up so much. I’ll never really know. I have to meet this new guy tonight and pretend I’m 100% lol. I have to not mention my last relationship or be very brief, I have to pretend he didn’t mean anything to me, I’m not gonna let someone who didn’t really like or care about me impact a potentially decent thing and make me bitter about men/future relationships. I’m going to be 28 in August, a good portion of me thought I would celebrate it with the ex but I’ll most likely be single/dating and I just hope the closer I am to 30 – it doesn’t kill my motivation to find a substantial relationship. Ugh, I fucking think too much.