Feeling better but angry

It’s wrong because it’s so soon but I’m meeting with someone Monday night at Reserve 101 for drinks.  When I dated the ex, I abandoned my friendships, I stopped doing things for me.  We didn’t go out so when this new guy asked me what I like to do for fun, I almost said watching woodworking videos lol.  🙄

I felt like a trapped bird for a while and I’m anxious about going out.  Like looking good and going out.  I’m not interested in dating but I miss being out in the city.  I think the stage I’m at, since I was able to write out what happened and how I feel in the last post, I’m beyond the sadness but now resenting K for saying he felt worn out.  I was fucking worn out!!!  I fucking would’ve loved less time together to actually miss him.  At least he got shit done with me loitering near him.  I hate myself for letting him make me feel like he needed to see me every chance then say I was around too much.  If I recall, the Friday we were supposed to go to topgolf, he wanted me to come sooner rather than later and made me feel like I always arrived to his place too late. As if I would take my time getting to his place every time. Like I couldn’t have an hr after work for myself. Plus it would take 40m to get to him on a Friday after 5pm.  That particular night it took longer.

Before that, the last weekend we spent together, he had the nerve to say my contribution was very low.  Okay.  I’m not that hands-on with the actual project, but it’s not like he was trying to teach me.  What the fuck did he want from me?!  Woodworking wasn’t MY hobby.  I tried to be as useful as possible when I was there.  I cleaned his tub, which was very difficult.  I cleaned and organized the spare bedroom.  I got him a shoe rack and planned on replacing his hangers and have his clothes organized a certain way.  I folded his laundry if it was on his bed.  I even swept the garage anytime there was cutting action to reduce the sweeping he’d have to do at the end of the project.  I did that for him but I did it so I felt like I had some purpose being there.  So him minimizing my contribution felt like a slap in the face and I just remember feeling like a zilch.

I think I deserve a guy that would appreciate what I can offer instead of point out the things I didn’t or couldn’t do.  He thanked me anytime I did do something for him but I don’t know too many bitches that would’ve done what I did.  He kinda made it seem like that shit was worthless.  Smh, white privilege type of shit lol.  Nah, IDK.  He constantly tested my competence which was nice.  Good to feel like your partner makes you feel stupid.  Asking me if I had to take special testing at a kid.  I don’t wanna stay angry so I’m writing this out.  If I’m still angry at him, that means I still haven’t addressed all the problems I had.  I don’t wanna hate him.  I think his intentions were good but it’s odd to me how I had to really complain about the museum for him to say he wanted to end it.  Like wtf.  If I didn’t drunk text him, was he just gonna fucking drag this relationship out for a few more weeks?!  Months?! When was he actually gonna tell me?? 🙄🙄🙄   I guess I took a while to tell him how I felt but I was still sorting out my feelings.  It honestly felt like he couldn’t deal with my nagging about the museum so he decided to kibosh.

He mentioned our relationship was stagnant and I felt like clapping after reading that.  Yes, so stagnant.  I was talking to his friend Chris about my work and how I felt stagnant but in my head I was acknowledging how my relationship was also at a standstill. So reading that made me feel less guilty.  He went on to say we were too much alike and we didn’t have enough traits to complement each other or bring out the best in us or something.  I don’t remember.  I’ll admit I enabled him and I think part of him wanted me to tell him to quit smoking.  Not sure.  I just knew early on, I liked him so much.  I thought there was gonna be a future.  I even asked him to cut back on soda, as one baby step.  I just wanted him to be healthy and feel better.  But he couldn’t even cut that habit.  He was only 31 but he would exude this 35-37 essence about himself.  It worried me because uhh I’m 27, please have some energy ok.  It had to be the smoking that made him lazy, eat obsessively, and just passing out shortly after.  I have these photos to prove a point (but now it’s just creepy lol) of him being passed out while I was wide awake. 😒😔 I would lay there feeling lonely.  I so badly wanted us to sit through a whole movie and then talk about it afterwards.  Or just nice pillow talk.  Is that stupid?  I did that with the short term dudes I’d end up trashing.  Why couldn’t I do that with him?  Him passing out early forced me to sleep early.  Which I have a hard time doing when I’m at home – I think too much. It’s 330am rn 🙄 I’m done.

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