Wubba Lubba Dub Dub

Where to begin?

I’m writing this really late on March 15.

 

I never had serious trouble making the guys I dated take me somewhere I wanted but somehow my boyfriend doesn’t want to go anywhere with me unless it’s something he really wants to do.  The guys before him would spontaneously take me to new places and tried to make sure I had a great time.  I think my boyfriend sometimes tries but only to make sure I had a “good enough” time.  All I asked was to go to the museum with me.  He couldn’t even do that.  All I see are couples that do things together in public and it’s usually events the female wants to do and the male is just there. Even in the worst relationships I know of, the guy just does it. It’s been upsetting me for days; I even begged and he doesn’t seem to care.  I’m overwhelmed with the pace of our relationship, the situations that tests/tested our relationship, and how we communicate.

Timing is everything… but mine

I was so confident in our relationship 2-3 weeks ago.  It’s been officially 6 months of dating.  I don’t think he’s noticed.  I’ve been struggling with my personal time – present and future, and just not taking care of myself.  My free time revolves around him.  I drive to him.  I spend my weekends with him.  I talk to him after work and before bed.  We text throughout the whole day.  I appreciate all of that.  I adore it.  But in the midst of all that, I lost the time for myself.  Just time to improve who I am.  That’s not his fault, he’s better with his time than me.  I hope if he’s lost interest in me, he wouldn’t just waste my time.  I don’t know how he sees me.  Speaking of time, I’m very sad at the moment.  I don’t wanna sound dramatic, like this museum thing is the deal breaker but it just shows me how selfish he is.  I don’t know a time we did anything I wanted to do.  We’ve always done what he wanted to do.  I’m actually embarrassed to even mention to anyone my plans to the museum because people will assume he went with me and that’s not the case at all.  He’s supposed to be my boyfriend, he’s gonna let me go on my own?  At this point, I wouldn’t want him to go anyway.  It wouldn’t be genuine and he doesn’t even want to spend the time with me.  He’s perfectly fine with not seeing me this weekend and I feel offended.  I don’t feel like I have a boyfriend.  I learned the 6month mark is when the “honeymoon phase” diminishes and the couple should be left with true, no fluff, unapologetic realness of ones self.  And it’s accepted by other person.  And, if neither is saying “I love you” after 6months, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.  We hardly go anywhere.  Is he ashamed of me?  I’m gonna let some time pad the emotions I’m feeling right now so I’m not saying or doing hasty things.

If I work my way back to when things started to change, I could see where I messed up.  What I don’t appreciate is the tit-for-tat behavior, if that is the game he is playing.  I’m not ready to see his mom.  I’m not ready for him to see my mom.  Why do moms have to even be involved?!  Am I completely terrible for not wanting that??  He told me his father’s mother was sick and the family decided to go visit the grandma in Louisiana.  He went on to say how it would be nice to have me accompany him on his road trip to Louisiana and I could finally meet his mother.  I remember being flattered but also feeling it would be odd timing to introduce me when visiting a sick grandparent.  Plus he didn’t sound very serious on the idea.  When the time came for him to go, he told me his brother’s girlfriend was also going. I felt ill in that moment. I felt like he definitely doesn’t want me to meet his family and I was offended.  I didn’t think much of it bc I didn’t want to feel more offended. I remember rushing to leave and I tried not to hug him, I guess out of spite, but he opened his arms and waited for me to do the same. So I did.

After that, Friday was coming up and he suggested TopGolf. Something that’s been on our minds since we started talking. I had no problem with going because I genuinely wanted to go. Friday morning he told me he invited his brother and his gf. Any other time, I would’ve been okay with that, but it was the first time he ever suggested a real date situation and now it’s turned into a competitive double date situation. I only wanted to be with him and not invite other people. I felt like he didn’t want to be stuck alone with me. I felt like if I followed through with his plans for that evening, it would’ve been just a competitive match between him and his brother while I have awkward, forced conversations with his brothers gf. On top of that, I had a flood of intense emotions from pms but for whatever reason I kept thinking about not seeing him and the idea was intensely exciting.  The idea of just doing my own thing, not feeling like I was tied to him and I had to do everything he wanted to do.  Traffic was hectic because the rodeo and spring break. I wasn’t in the mood to be competitive and have politically correct conversations in case his bro’s gf was the type to be easily offended. As I mentioned earlier about not following through, I told him on my way there via text I wasn’t in the mood but would be down to go except I won’t be talking much. He called me upset and cancelled the plans. I actually cried 3 times while driving. *insert eyeroll emoji* Once I got there, it was the most uncomfortable atmosphere. He didn’t touch me or anything. Just cold and I felt abandoned while with him. I put my hand out multiple times and he didn’t. It was very hurtful. He took me to Galveston to eat and see his old residence then we met up with his work friends at a bar.  Once we started drinking, things felt semi-normal again.

EDIT:  I started this post but didn’t finish on Thursday, March 15 – picked up Sunday, March 18.

Except I wasn’t happy.  I think I let all the issues I had with him pile up to the point where I couldn’t stand being around him.  I had no idea how he felt about me or about the relationship but I knew that Friday morning he was excited about TopGolf, so I felt guilty the entire night.  Thinking back, that car ride to Galveston was killing me.  I wanted to be with him but I also didn’t.  All the smoking, the junk food, we never went anywhere, we could never really fully enjoy the time in bed because he would just fucking pass out.  I was enabling his bad habits but I was scared to tell him.  I can’t help but think if I had just been more vocal about how I felt and proactive in helping him then we wouldn’t have broken up this Saturday morning.

This past Friday night, I had dinner with Ammar to celebrate his birthday because I couldn’t make it to the main event Saturday morning.  Ammar planned on go-karts and I thought what a perfect time to invite my boyf with me because he had just mentioned it the past weekend.  I asked and he didn’t want to go so I changed up my plans for him.  This was my attempt to save something I felt was slipping.  My original plan for Friday night, my boyf would meet me at North Italia (as he said he would Wednesday night on the phone), I would have a room at Hotel Zaza for us, it was near the museum and that way the next day we wouldn’t have to travel far at all to MFAH.  The hotel thing was a chance for us to not have other distractions, to really connect, and to see if I could pinpoint the solution for us.  I was planning this at work on Thursday and walked away to do actual work.  When I came back to my desk, I felt overwhelmingly desperate because I wanted so badly for this idea to work – to prove our relationship could surpass this weird knot I had been feeling for weeks.  Much like the bump on the road before turning into his house.  That lousy bump I had to strategically avoid while turning always resonated to me in a weird way.  Like it was a reminder there was an issue I was avoiding.  I told him we should just see each other the next weekend and he could have time for himself.  I think I wanted him to be upset but knowing him I think he wanted some time too.  I decided to let the museum thing go but when I was peeing (where I do the best thinking) I thought about the other times I went to the museum with guys that barely knew me and I thought about other couples at the museum.  A friend of his, lets call him Tick, went with his psycho gf, lets call her Nobody, to the exhibit with the stupid light installations hanging from the ceiling.  It hit me, in these shitty relationships, the guys were still willing to go with girlfriends they barely liked or respected.  I was also factoring in my friend’s and their pseudo love relationships.  All the guys just fucking went.  How much does my own boyfriend not like/respect me?  It became the theme of the night.  I didn’t even want to talk to him on the phone that Thursday night and he didn’t seem to notice I was in a mood or he just didn’t care at all.  I went to sleep crying because I think I knew this was over and I was jealous of the obviously wrong/bad relationships still going strong.  I was very distant Friday and he still wasn’t saying things I wanted him to say.  The entire day, I kept thinking how did our relationship go so bad and is there a way to salvage it?  Time came to eat and drink with Ammar.  He was going on about school and work but in my dumb head I was getting tipsy and thinking about ways my boyf could surprise me.  I thought:  Okay, he can’t hate me, I’m not sure if he’s lost interest in me, maybe he will surprise me by being at the museum – he’ll look for me and I’ll see him at the corner of my eye, we embrace and things go right again.  I didn’t want to keep thinking that because I knew he didn’t have a romantic bone in his body and I knew he would never really go out of his way for me.

I decided to text him how I felt after 2 drinks in me.  He didn’t respond the rest of the night.  I got home at 11pm, I think, and I sat in my car thinking about how I wanted out.  I wrote out a text about ending it and how I’d pick up my little things I left at his place.  I sent the text to Evan first, in case I was being dramatic.  While I was waiting for Evan to review and make a decision, I made a list of things I wanted to do that he never committed to and I felt so upset like my ideas were trash.  Then I would think about all the times he mentioned how we should do this – do that and he didn’t commit to that either.  I reflected on the things we did when we were together and it was things he wanted to do.  As much as I respected his woodworking, I didn’t feel useful I don’t think I needed to be there every weekend.  He didn’t really include me or teach me.  I was just there to observe and I would’ve loved that time for myself.  I recall a time I wanted a weekend to myself and he immediately tried to guilt trip me as if I didn’t wanna spend time with him.  I felt obligated every week to see him and to spend the entire weekend with him.  So when he finally texted back early Saturday morning (I don’t know what time, my phone died so when I charged it – the texts were already there), he mentioned something along the lines of feeling drained or suffocated by the amount of time we spent together and that he didn’t see us as long term.  I felt relief.  I immediately texted back I’d pick up my things and we’d be done.  I didn’t feel anger or hurt.  I was confused because I was sacrificing my free time for him because he made me feel like I had to but this text… he made it seem like I was the one loitering and wouldn’t leave.  I agree about the part where he mentioned me not having my own space made it hard for him or whatever.  I would’ve looked for a place if it really bothered him.  I was saving a retarded amount of money for a Gucci or Chanel bag, and I was buying unnecessary things like the Chanel shoes, the Gucci shoes, Fendi Bag and other shit.  He could’ve told me to use it towards rent.  It would’ve been months and months of rent money.  I could afford and manage my own place.  He never made it seem like it was an issue.  He’d bring up meeting my mom a few times that made me uncomfortable because I’m scared of that interaction.  If he thought I was mean, my mother was much worse.  My mom is 70! – very traditional/old-school Viet, was a teenager during the war, expected certain things from a male, and very superficial.  I did not want my mother making my boyf feel like he wasn’t good enough or judge him in any other way.

I read a lot about relationships and how people in my age range give up easily over the littlest things.  Our generation refuses to commit, even if they’ve been together for years, some couples can’t even talk about their future.  I thought about my future a lot in this last relationship.  I never did that before but I don’t know how realistic I was being.  Considering the person I am, how I put other people before me, and how badly I wanted to change to be the best version of me, I would’ve stayed in this relationship if he wanted to and I was unhappy.  That’s what I learned about myself.  Evan told me to not send that break-up text even though I wanted to late Friday night.  Evan was surprised my boyf basically broke up with me.  I mean, telling me he didn’t see us being long-term is like a euphemism for “bitch, this is done”.  I wasn’t really trying to figure out what we could do to fix it.  I could look for a place right now, I could be more honest and open with him, we could plan our schedules properly so neither of us would feel like time was being wasted.  But he also had, what I would categorize as addiction/attachment to smoking which made me so incredibly unhappy and a shitty girlfriend.  As an outsider, he definitely had an issue and he had been smoking for 10 years at that point.  The smoking after work, before bed, and throughout the day on weekends disappointed me.  I feel guilty for not telling him how concerned I was for him.  Work people had to know, even if he wasn’t smoking before work, he smoked with people from work and that gets spread around.  I don’t know if it interfered with a promotion he felt like he deserved but was given to someone else at his level.  His room would smell like it, his clothes sometimes, his car.  How could people at work not know?  But I knew and it changed the way I felt about him and our future.  He quit for two weeks, without me even suggesting it – I was so proud because I wanted him to quit for himself, and he went back to smoking because of stress.  I’m pretty sure it was the stress from not smoking that he just needed to learn to avoid.  So, do I think we could’ve lasted longer if he weren’t so dependent on smoking?  Yes.  I definitely would’ve been more talkative and let some walls down.  I hated repeated myself and thinking “whats the point in this? He’s not going to remember this moment.  He’s physically here but not mentally.  If I put all my eggs in this basket, I’m going to end up feeling disappointed or getting hurt.”

Anyway, my mom witnessed me crying and having absolutely nothing to eat in 2 days.  I seriously haven’t chewed a thing in 2 days!  I tried to stay hydrated at least, so I don’t die.  Break-up diets, man.  They work.  I am finally unbloated and my belly is flat!  *hands praising or whatever emoji*  My mom felt bad for both people; me and him.  Which made me see her in a different light but today she kept saying he was a waste of time which made me more emotional.  I liked him a lot and I really wanted it to work.  It was 6months, half a year… but no, not a total waste of time.  I learned a few things about woodworking, I learned I can’t keep putting other people before myself because no one is looking after me.  I wanted to start my real estate courses for my license since the beginning of the year but when was I supposed to study?  He was taking up my weekends and he wasn’t suggesting we see each other every other weekend.  I didn’t want to offend him again by asking.  I learned I would’ve settled for something that wasn’t making me happy, I learned I was scared to voice my opinion, I learned this loneliness since the break-up has been fucking nauseating.  I felt free and happy Saturday morning then by night time it was just painful.  I liked missing someone, I liked caring for someone, I liked doing things for someone.  Which is a huge change from the person I was before.  Someone who would just use guys and trash after 2weeks/2months.  This guy taught me I could possibly love someone if I put down my walls and really fight for it.  Not sure if this was worth fighting for since he was smiling when I picked up my things lol.  Today I realized work from now on is going to seem a lot longer and I have this creepy boss that always makes me feel uncomfortable.  When I was in a relationship, for some reason, I felt safe and like I had a layer of protection.  Now I just feel unprotected and like a target.  I’m trying to remember the time before 6months ago, but I was unemployed lol so yeah.  I’ll just learn to deal with it.

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