Getting Tested

For STDs? I hope I don’t have to. Real Estate license? I’m putting that on back-burner. Consistently negative occurrences in my relationship that remind me that I could potentially end up like my mother or alone and that both routes are just positively depressing, abusive, and self-loathing? Bingo, bucko.

I hated taking exams in school. By college time, I seemed to struggle more because more pressure was applied each test I took. Thoughts like “if I don’t pass, I’ll end up taking this course again” or “I don’t remember what this class is even about” and my fav is when I just sit there frazzled, red, moist in the face, and trying not to cry. It seems like getting tested is what life is all about. Getting exams in school tested our knowledge of whatever unit or subject but in real life we’re constantly getting tested on our contentment; who we are/who we thought we were/who we ought to be, testing our tolerance for different emotions tied to certain events with very particular people. It’s exhausting. While the testing we do in institutions prepare us for the next level, I suppose it prepares us for the constant test-taking we do in our lives. Except I’ve never gotten comfortable with it so the lessons I’m learning in life right now aren’t enough to prepare me for these tests I deal with almost daily.

Level: Hard

Question: Do you trust someone you’re in a relationship with on social media?

Short-answer: No.

If not, why?: because social media is part of the problem. It allows people to cheat and give up on relationships easier than a time before social media. Hit “delete”, “block”, or just simply ghost on someone you’ve been seeing for months when you get turned off by the littlest thing because there’s always gonna be a next. It’s a perpetuated, gloried way of living and it’s socially acceptable. New follows lead to new temptations/troubles. It’s simply a gateway to be deviants and it’s an environment where it’s approved – backed by people with the same idea.

In my past relationships, I ended them knowing there would always be someone else. As if there was a line and I was letting it pile up or I had to filter them out. I did that because I didn’t want to settle, I looked for issues to date someone else, because there had to be a better version of the guy I was seeing in that moment. Social media gives us an idea of hope for a possibly better whatever we’re looking for. People don’t wanna work on the relationships they’re in now so when there’s a little pothole, they drive over it or don’t and they abandon vehicle before anything else happens. Their vehicle could’ve been a Mercedes G-wagon or a Ferrari Lafarrari but they had no idea what they were driving. Uhh was this a terrible analogy or what. My point is potentially good relationships end over the littlest things and social media is part of the problem. It tests us daily on how faithful one can be, how tempted we get, and how much will power we have. I’m a 90s baby. I’ve watched social media grow from a helpful marketing tool manifest into an unhealthy chamber for sloppy behavior and awful memes. (The memes used to be better).

Anyway, I won’t get specific but I’m not gonna let social media break my relationship apart… until it finally does, then I failed another test when I knew the answers but I don’t get that many chances to retake this exam considering my age. I guess the idea is how much do I want to put my life on social media. Oops. Too late for that. How much do I wanna be active in social media? Do I let SM define my relationship? Does removing myself from SM leave me in the dark and behind?

I can’t control what he does with his phone. I don’t wanna tell him what to do, I’m not the type. I’m finding it harder to trust him after tonight and as a result it questions the future I thought I had with him. Maybe I’m being dramatic but that’s how I feel right now. Next time I see him, I don’t know if I could be as affectionate. I know I care for him but I’m too upset to really see him at this point. He is sick with the flu, I was so sad for him, all I wanted to do was be near him to help and just hope he’d get better. Now I just hope he lives so I can make him feel what I feel. A lot of hurt and disrespect.

When am I gonna be tested and feel confident? I want something easy and something I know. Lemme eliminate the wrong answers and leave me with the one right answer. I don’t wanna guess. I wanna know the person I’m in a relationship with wants to be in a relationship too.

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