It started off cold today but warmed up by midday. I got a text from Evan about the weather change for tomorrow “lol its supposed to snow…”. So now I’m sitting here writing this because I feel like I have the time – everything is closed tomorrow anyway. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to Evan. He’s been busy working hard on being financially secure – enough to spoil his lothario side, I think. I was struggling to keep my eyes open at work today. I took 2 weeks off to recover from a tonsillectomy and haven’t fully adjusted to the regular work day schedule. MLK day was slow for me so I stared at my computer and took my time completing my work. Honestly, I was extra tired and sleepy because I slept late. I had troubling sleeping because of what happened Sunday while cleaning my boyfriend’s spare bedroom.
It had been a goal of his to clean that room; a room full of his past he didn’t feel like sorting out. I don’t think he was avoiding anything in that room because as we worked together on sorting some things out, he was eager to show and explain just about everything. I tried to be respectful and not look through his things, I only wanted to organize and make more space for him. He gave me permission to open things and ask him questions. I still didn’t want him to feel like I was invading in his personal life/past. For some things, I just asked him to go through it so I didn’t have to see something I wasn’t ready to see. Generally, it was fun to see him excited about the things he didn’t know he had. I was happy to witness his genuine joy. It definitely felt like a step up in our relationship.
I didn’t think much of his box full of wires, cords, and misc electronics. He pulled out a very familiar device – the Sony PSP. I used to steal my brother’s PSP and play his games for a while. In some way, I felt connected to my boyfriend in a gamey-nerd way. He asked me if I wanted it and without too much thought I said no and explained my personal story. He noticed he had a memory card in it and stuck it back in the PSP to look at the used storage. I don’t think he remembered any contents on that memory card. He kept it charging in the wall and we continued to clean, organize, and even took a shot of Fireball. We finally cleaned the room! It took maybe 2 hours and I believe I did 75% of the work. I wish I took before and after pictures. It was a proud moment for me. Sidenote: I did it because I like to clean and organize and throw shit out. Why can’t I do the same when it comes to my car? Ugh.
We eventually moved into the garage were I would just observe him work on his woodworking projects and sort of help him. Much like Al of Tool Time on Home Improvement except Al did all the work while Tim fucked shit up, I probably don’t make it easier for my boyfriend by being useless lol. I mean, I don’t fuck shit up but I do feel like I’m prolonging his projects by being there. He encourages me to be out there with him and until I really fuck something up then I’ll avoid the garage time. The sweetest thing he does is include me on finished projects like the cabinet. That was all him, I handed him tools and held pieces of wood but he’ll say “our cabinet” or “the cabinet we built”. We decided to work on a cutting board that will eventually be mine. Again, he does all the major work – I just can’t wait to bring it home and call it mine. I got hungry and tired of watching him so I told him I’d be inside to eat a bit of ice cream. Ugh, how fat and lazy do I sound.
I took another proud glance at the spare bedroom I helped clean and organize while holding my plate of ice cream. I couldn’t reach the bowls in the cabinet. I sat down at his piano keyboard and while it wasn’t on, I thought it was safe to play some measures of some songs I could remember in that moment. I soon realized I missed playing and that I really forgot a lot about the piano. It has been about 15 years since I’ve seriously played anyway. On my way out I noticed the PSP on the floor. I thought what a good time to see what Keagan played and if he had any music stored on his device. Powered it on and was instantly surprised to find nudes of his ex under the photos icon. Just a shitton of it. I cyberstaked his life a while back, before we even could meet for a date, just to make sure he looked like his photos and if he was real. Stalked well enough to know what his long-time ex looked like. I sat there with a mix of emotions. Mostly curious of how many but I didn’t scroll all the way down because it got too uncomfortable for me. Fearful, thinking he would come in from the garage looking for me. Upset, she wasn’t an ugly broad but boyish – like a waify runway model without the remarkable facial features but a filler model… Just someone almost dangerously skinny to fill the collection. Was that harsh? lol. It’s funny because she looks so much like Evan. Evan is all dude, nothing feminine about him but his anorexic-ness. Evan agrees they look alike. Anyway…
In that moment, I knew that Sunday was still young – maybe 1:30pm. I still needed to come back into the garage, we still needed to eat, and apparently there was some major sportsball game everyone in America was going to watch later in the day. I turned off the PSP and thought about the fresh situation: He was with her for 7 years, during a time of a lot of growing up. High school to mid-20s. I told myself I had to be calm, be reasonable, and be mature. We all have had relationships, we all keep certain things from those relationships. He obviously forgot about those pics, otherwise I don’t think he would’ve offered the PSP to me at all lol. I knew I had to push my feelings down. In a Bill Burr way. Push all that shit down and save it for a time to release alone. I was so eager to go home. I was exhausted from the early morning clean up, woodwork watching, trying to look normal while all the different emotions I was concealing from my happy-looking boyfriend kept creeping up on me. I did a pretty good job acting normal and made it out by 6:20pm.
On my drive home, I kept thinking: He’s supposed to clean out that memory card and give the PSP to his nephew. He is off tomorrow and he’s going to see those photos. He’s gonna remember when that happened, he’s gonna remember the good and fun parts of that relationship, he’s gonna miss something he once had. I didn’t cry, I wasn’t in the mood for it but I thought about ending the relationship because I didn’t want to feel like someone he’s with that’s “good for now” so why don’t I just end it to avoid all the shitty feelings. I told him I got home, as he requested, and we texted for a little bit. I showered thinking I could wash away the negativity growing in my head. Didn’t help. I decided to do a wild session of youtube videos to distract myself. Didn’t help either but I eventually did fall asleep. For the record, I believe I have the right to feel this way. Insecure, unhappy, and uncomfortable. If we had both decided to see the contents in the PSP the moment we first discovered it, we both would’ve seen the photos, and he would’ve apologized and most likely asked if I felt awkward. Instead, I discovered it on my own so am I wrong?
We had a very normal text convo all day until 6pm today. Something I’ll continue in the next post since I’ve rambled too much in this one and I’m beat. But I’ll end it saying this… I’ve ended many relationships before because I didn’t want to get too deep and hurt by the guy. Especially for a guy that didn’t know my worth. I don’t even know my own worth. I did the hurting early on and I was cold about it because I didn’t want to seem weak. Weird pride thing. I didn’t want to hurt my boyfriend. This is the first time in a long time a relationship has made me feel like there’s a reason to be excited for the weekend. My self-worth is pitiful because now I’m thinking he wouldn’t even be hurt if I ended it. It’s been 4 months, this relationship. Any normal person should be hurt by a breakup yet part of me is thinking “he’ll be angry for 6hrs and hop back on Bumble”. I had to change a lot about myself before and during this relationship. Not for him but for me. I needed to be less judge-mental, reasonable, and less superficial. I know I have a lot of loose ends that causes me to question my worth. Story of my fucking life. I can’t wait for the day to feel free from the burden of being my worst enemy.
Rotten Sony PSP. The object that initially made feel closer to my boyfriend is the same object testing the strength of this relationship.